Phantasms
by Lykosdracos
Summary: Bella has found the key to unlocking Edward's mind. Edward, having left Forks, is torn between his promise to stay away and the desire he feels to return. Will Bella understand the gift she's been given and find a way to forgive? Lemon warning.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

**Bella's Point of View**

**Authors Note:**

I do not own the Twilight Series or any of the characters, sadly.

**Authors Note 2:**

I'm not sure where this story is going… I do know that there won't be any squicky topics: cutting, suicide, rape, to name a few. I hope, any of you who decide to read this story, that I don't disappoint- especially with the plethora of fantastic fanfiction stories out there based around these books.

Pain.

Deep, raw, gouging pain. Three months had passed since Edward—it's not as hard to think his name as it is when I try to speak it aloud- left. I have homework that needs to be finished, but I can't bring myself to try and tackle Calculus yet. It still hurts when I say, or think, about him, but I reached a turning point a few days ago. I guess Charlie, Dad, did too. He called Mom. I heard them whispering in the kitchen, the same as when I was a kid. Same feelings, different situation.

Mom would do her best to remain quiet, a futile effort, while Charlie would periodically thunk his beer-can down on the table when things reached a topic he wasn't comfortable with. The whole conversation, to sum up. I'd lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and feel the oppressive tension build until I managed to fall asleep to escape it.

The dread pooled in my stomach as I wrapped my arms around my torso and tried not to dig my nails too deeply into my skin. Footsteps on the stairs, two sets of them; taking a deep breath I waited for the storm to hit.

"Bella?" Renee's worried voice filtered through the door.

"Bella, your mother's here." His voice belonged to Chief Swan, it was serious and authoritative.

I rolled to my other side so my front wasn't facing the door. Perhaps they'd think I was asleep and I'd be granted peace and silence again.

My eyes darted around the room inadvertently and I caught my breath at the sharp twisting sensation the motion caused. How similar. I half-expected to see Edward's golden eyes shining out of the darkness. He'd called me a bad actress that night though this time my breath came in ragged gasps.

I heard the doorknob rattle and I forced my body to relax as I closed my eyes.

"How long has she been in there?"

"All the time, she never leaves the room unless she's in school or working."

"She didn't tell me that she'd gotten a job."

"I did."

Yup, Charlie was never one to mince words.

"Bella, we're coming in."

Now this was a new development. A quick knock, the rattling of the door as Charlie tested to be sure I hadn't locked him out, a muffled goodnight as he walked towards his room; that I had expected. They were coming in?

I glanced around and knew they wouldn't be pleased. Clothes were strewn around the room, CD's lay in a broken pile near the garbage can, notebooks and schoolbooks were scattered along the floor. Books surrounded my bed. I had tried reading as a diversion. The twelfth book joined his companions as I let it fall to the floor near however I'd been sitting. It was a far-cry from my room's normal organized state.

The door opened letting in light from the hall and I cringed away from it marginally. My eyes adjusted eventually and I tried not to look toward the window.

"Your mother's here to take you back to Florida."

"What?!"

All pretenses of sleep left as Renee looked despairingly around the room. I told you, messy.

"Does she have any clean clothes?"

"Err… yea. I think so, somewhere around here."

"You don't do laundry?"

I barely restrained a very unladylike snort. As though my mother knew how to work the fine mechanics of a washing machine. Domestic duties had fallen to me. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. Appliances fairly ran in terror whenever Renee came within a five foot radius.

"Catatonic, huh?" I could see Mom's finely sculpted eyebrow raise in Dad's direction.

"You weren't here these past few months."

"I'm here, you know," I couldn't keep the sting out of my voice and I fought a blush as both of them eagle-eye stared at me. Only parents could pull off disapproval and concern so well with one look.

"Not for long," Charlie replied running a hand across his neck. My breath lodged in my throat. Edward had ran his hand through his hair in certain situations. No one else had entered my room since he'd departed from Forks.

"I'm not going to Jacksonville."

"I don't think—"

"It would just be for awhile, Bella, honey. A change of scenery, a chance to start over… doesn't that sound good to you?"

"No. I don't want to start over."

"Sweetie, your grades are slipping. I've read the report your father sent from Dr. Gerandy. He agreed that a change of pace would be healthy for you. New people, warmth, lots of beaches and palm trees. You liked the heat in Arizona."

"I like it here," I insisted.

"I told you she'd be difficult."

"I'm not being difficult." Had I snarled? I giggled and saw my parent's calmly wary expressions morph into ones of horror. All I had to do was bare my teeth and fall into a crouch. I laughed harder worried I'd start to cry if I didn't get a handle on myself.

"That's it," Renee sighed standing straighter while squaring her shoulders. I remembered that technique from a stress workshop she'd dragged me to. "I'm giving you twenty minutes to pack the things you'd like to take with us. Your dad can call the school tomorrow to tell them you won't be returning."

"But—"

"No," she answered firmly. "Twenty minutes, Bella. I'll be waiting downstairs."

"This is bullshit!"

Charlie's eyes nearly bulged out of his head while Mom's eyebrows disappeared somewhere beneath her hair.

"I'm not going anywhere! I like it here! Dad and I have a good routine set! I have friends and school, final exams are coming up soon! I want to graduate here!"

"Bells," Charlie managed to choke out, "it's December. You haven't had any friends calling for you in over two months. You scream out because of nightmares. To be honest, it sends chills up my spine. It sounds like you're dying half the time. You'll be able to start again once the break is done with. You won't miss anything and you'll be able to catch up in your classes without a problem."

I hazily remembered a different time when I literally had been screaming because I'd been dying. Why hadn't Edward just let me turn then? Things would be so much easier now.

Strange how thinking his name didn't bring an onslaught of the familiar agony. I felt… alive. Powerful. Determined. Very, very pissed off. I didn't normally like anger, I flinched away from it while wracking my brain for a way to divert the negative energy. This time, however, I let the rage course through me, embracing the foreign emotion, and wondered if my eyes, too, had changed color.

Renee sighed again and grabbed something from the hallway. It was a suitcase. I felt my hands dig into the sheets as I clawed at them rather than myself.

"Get that out of here," I hissed.

"Bella, be reasonable," Renee snapped. "You're coming with me, end of story. You can come willingly, which we'd all prefer, or you can fight me the whole way. It doesn't matter which you choose. The end result will be the same."

I watched as she started picking my clothes up from the floor. Time seemed to slow down. The rational side of me just wanted to give in, to wipe the sad expressions from my parent's faces. I did like warmth and sunny beaches. Together. I wouldn't have to wear two jackets on a beach in Jacksonville. I probably wouldn't have any need for jackets at all.

The other side, the wrathful, angry side screamed predatorily as I continued to watch her rifle through my things.

"I can wash her clothes when we get home," she was saying to Charlie. "We'll need to rush if we're going to make the flight."

Then she touched The C.D. I saw her eyes narrow as she tried to read the small perfect hand-written letters. Shrugging, she chucked it into the suitcase with a few other blouses.

I snapped.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here, in Forks, with Dad and that's final! I'm not going to Florida where I'll spend half my time alone anyway. I don't want to meet new people or play catch-up in a new school. I don't want to wash Phil's uniforms and serve him meals or bring him sandwiches when you want to watch one of his damn games! I hate sports!"

Okay, so the last statement was a little ridiculous, but I ran with the surge of determination and bounded off the bed. I picked up the little suitcase and threw it into the hall with all of my strength. It rebounded off the wall and fell onto its side spilling all of my things across the floor.

"I'm fine! I didn't ask you to come here! I especially didn't ask you to come here and start talking about me as if I weren't in the damn room!"

"I over-looked the first time, but I won't tolerate this any longer. You watch your language when you're in my house."

I stared at Charlie in shock. "Who do you think I learned them from? You could make a sailor blush the way you curse with Billy! You tip-toe around me, judge every word that you speak as though I'll shatter if you talk to me for too long! Yeah! I'm a little edgy, ok? But did you have to call Mom? You want to ship me off that badly?"

"Bella, no--!"

"To use your words," Renee said dryly, "I am still here."

"Not for long." I looked to Charlie already feeling the exhaustion rolling in. It had been days since I'd exerted so much energy. "Dad, can I please stay? I'll do better in school, I'll call some of my friends. I… won't curse ever again with you present."

Charlie stood in silence, immune to my attempt at humor. I'd learned that the longer I let him commiserate the better chances I had at getting him to agree.

"I really don't think—" Renee was determined, too, to disregard my wishes in lieu of what was best for me. I prepared to continue the battle when Dad interrupted.

"You can stay if you really want to." Charlie stared at me as though trying to see my soul. Evidently, he found what he was looking for and shook his head affirmatively.

"Thank you, Dad." I smiled and saw him smile in return. A real smile not the forced ones that I could now remember him plastering on for my benefit. It made his eyes light up and some of the wrinkles on his forehead disappeared.

I impulsively gave him a hug and felt him hesitate before he patted my back gently.

A weight I hadn't known I was carrying seemed to lift. It had nothing to do with Edward, but part of me had always been waiting for him to bring up that night long ago. As I'd slammed the door behind me and put distance between my father and I, the hurt I'd caused him had seemed irreparable. Yet Charlie- Dad- had welcomed me back with short, to the point, sentences if not opened arms.

I'd worked hard from that point on to be the model daughter. I cooked food he seemed to like best, I sat with him while he watched various sporting events, I proudly displayed my good grades and stuck to every one of his rules, not that there were many. Lately, I realized, I'd been so busy trying to merely function that I hadn't thought about what my actions would look like from his point of view.

Just like Renee with the curt answers, not speaking through dinner, which was normal for us, but lately had been strained and tense. Barely remembering to say hello and goodbye as I left the house, no wonder he'd called for backup. All of that would change, I decided.

"Mom," I paused hearing the words I'd said. There was regret, I should have known not to be so callous. She always took things so hard, nothing was ever trivial or off-handed and I certainly hadn't meant them to be this time.

"Call me if you need anything." Holding out her arms, I returned her embrace and inhaled the familiar fragrance of her shampoo, the dry heat of Florida, and an aroma of flowers that never seemed to leave her skin. Perhaps that's what Edward had meant when he said I smelled floral.

Thinking his name, I felt the anger start to creep up again. I closed my eyes so Charlie and Renee wouldn't think I was breaking the tenuous peace we'd reached. Dad stepped out into the hallway to give us a few minutes alone.

"You can always change your mind, you know. It's never too late."

"I know, Mom. I don't think I'll be moving anytime soon."

"You made that abundantly clear," she still looked shocked by my uncharacteristic display of temper, but, as always, she took everything in stride.

"I didn't mean what I said…"

"I know, Bella. People say things they don't mean to say when they're fearful or upset."

I knew her well enough to know that she'd quoted that directly from some self-help book that she'd picked up during one of her stints.

"I don't want to interrupt, but the plane takes off in two hours."

Dad had set the suitcase, zipped and secure, to the side of my door. I knew he'd cleared the hallway probably blustering when it came to my… unmentionables. I'd never heard him say bra or underwear, he always referred to them the same way as though they were alien and untrustworthy. It made me smile again and I noticed the marked relief already in his posture.

"Right!" Renee was back to normal again, too. "You should really clean your room, Bella. I can't imagine you like living this way."

"I will, Mom."

"And e-mail me more often, I want to know about your life once in awhile."

"Okay," I replied ruefully knowing that was an understatement. "Things will be better from now on, I promise."

She waved at the doorway and Charlie closed the door behind them. I was again alone. I sighed in relief and turned the light on as they descended he staircase.

The spurt of energy I felt surprised me. I had wanted nothing more than to curl back up in the bed and sleep for the next month a few minutes ago. No, it was time for change.

I opened the suitcase and started sorting clothes into proper categories. Darks, jeans, unmentionables. I heard myself laugh and this time it felt natural. No tinge of hysteria or madness in the tone.

After starting a load of laundry I tackled the books and schoolwork. The books were put back in their proper places on the shelves and I stacked the assignments on my desk. I'd work on those tomorrow, there was plenty of time to finish the two papers, Calculus, and Biology work due Monday. One of the papers was late as it was, but another day wouldn't kill me.

My room looked almost normal again by the time I was finished. Charlie would be returning any moment after driving Renee to the airport. I left the door open, knowing he'd do his routine check, as I went to take a shower.

I turned my mind off, not to the state I was living with before, but enough to avoid the inevitable pain that would follow after this emotional roller-coaster. The hot water actually felt good, I washed my hair thoroughly and studied myself in the mirror. I'd lost weight; my skin was deathly pale, my lips especially. They were chapped and raw, I made a mental note to buy some good chapstick. I'd have to start eating more, my collar-bones looked grotesque sticking prominently out from my body.

"Good night, Dad," I said spotting him looking into my room. He turned almost guiltily; he was really good about not invading my privacy. A girl's room, too, was foreign territory for him.

"Night, Bells. Sleep well, okay?" There was still wariness in his eyes, but I could see hope mixed in, as well. It would take awhile before he finally stopped walking on eggshells around me, but I'd do my best to prove that I was on the road to recovery.

"I'll try." I left the door cracked because I knew it would help ease his mind. I wasn't hiding away anymore. I'd make pancakes for breakfast if there was any milk left and I'd stop at the Thriftway to stock up on desperately needed groceries.

I paused by the bed, I hadn't seen the book under the mattress. Picking it up, I felt brutal pain slice through me as I saw the title. It was a book of poetry. I nearly dropped it again when my fingers went numb.

I ran to the desk and placed the book alongside the scrapbook, notes, sketches, wilted flowers and brown jacket in the biggest, lowest drawer. I paused to breathe in his scent. He didn't know I'd stolen his jacket. Maybe he did, it didn't matter. It was there, I could wrap myself in it and be surrounded by the intoxicating, wonderful smell of Edward Cullen. I slammed the drawer shut before I gave into the false security.

One more night of hiding, maybe, just to purge all residual emotions. I closed the door before climbing under the covers. As I lay still I inhaled deeply and let the pain have its way.

Biting into the pillowcase I tried not to gasp loudly as the proverbial door swung wide open. I wrapped my arms around the pillow and hung on for dear life. God, it hurt so much. When would it stop? Why was it always so raw, tearing me apart, leaving me breathless and mangled? I wanted to be better, I didn't want to go back to the lifeless shell I'd been.

The memories weren't too far off, I always had a routine, this was no different. Edward's beautiful golden eyes; the way they'd darken with passion or anger, the intensity breathtaking and thrilling. The bronze-coppery brown of his hair, amazing with how methodical he was as a person, his hair had a mind of its own. I could see him sprawled out fluidly in the meadow. Skin nearly translucent, glimmering in the sunlight, his muscles lean and sinewy. The strength in his arms as he held me away, the way they contracted as he clenched his fists when he restrained himself from resorting to violence around me. The smooth expanse of his chest, cold and perfect as I lay in his embrace finding peace and security in the way he held me as I fell asleep.

His voice; melodic, difficult to hear sometimes because I focused so wholly on the cadence that I sometimes missed his words. The way he read me poetry, said my name as though it were religious. Ordinary phrases were magical, he could seduce, flatter, insult and rage with that incredible voice and the result was always the same. People fell over themselves to do his bidding, to hear him speak to them again, to gain his attention. I had been no different, the only difference being that he'd been mine.

Had been. Not anymore.

"_I'll always love you… in a way."_

"_I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not."_

"_You're not good for me, Bella."_

I realized that I'd been crying for awhile now. My pillow was wet with tears and my body held an exhaustion that was brought on by severe rejection, heart-break, and sobbing- great wracking hollow sounds that tore me apart inside and outside.

The anger rose again, I was beginning to recognize the signs. He'd asked me for a favor, after I'd humiliated myself in my pathetic attempt to get him to stay when he was so obviously done with the charade, and I'd agreed to it. No, I'd begged him to ask of me one final thing.

"_Anything." _I heard my tone and I cringed.

"_Don't do anything reckless or stupid."_

My teeth snapped together with an audible sound. Stupid, I wish he were here now. I'd show him stupid.

I laughed mirthlessly, what had he said? As if you could hurt me. As though you could out run me.

No, he'd done the running. I took a step forward and he took five steps back. Well, I didn't want to catch him, to trap him against his will. Not anymore.

His moods had been so unpredictable when I'd first met him. They had evened out over time and I thought that he had been happy. Apparently I'd been wrong. Very wrong.

I'd always been the door-mat. People made decisions and I went along with them blindly allowing them to take the lead, trusting them to steer me in the right direction.

To hell with that.

I caught my reflection on the bed-stand and I heard myself laugh. Goosebumps rose on my skin as the sound filtered back to me. Cold, inhuman.

My eyes were dark, my hair fell around me in waves as I glared at myself, skin pale against the darkness.

Like I said, a turning point was taking place. I didn't know how long I'd be able to maintain my new found independence, but, like the anger, I'd use it for as long as I could.

He wanted me to live? I'd damn well live with every fiber of my being. And when, if, he ever returned, I'd track him for a change and find the resolution I craved.

"Damn you, Edward Cullen," I spat. "Damn you for what you did to me."

I'd like to say that I hated him, but I couldn't. I wasn't that far gone, part of me wondered if there was anything he could to incur my hatred. Dislike, however, I could settle for disliking him.

**Authors Note 3:**

**A little lengthy, I admit. It didn't want to stop and to start a new chapter seemed pointless. Emotional purging was what Bella needed and, well, there was plenty of that. I hope you like it so far! It'll get better, not so wrathful maybe. At the very least it'll be more interesting. Comments, editing suggestions… I'm on the lookout for a beta-reader if you're so inclined… are always welcome. Thanks! On to Chapter 2.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Authors Note:

**I didn't create the Twilight series or any of its characters. I'm giving them free rein in a fanfictional sense only.**

**Edward's Point of View**

I really miss sleep. It's an escape that's denied me. Endless days in rapid succession, it was easier in the beginning. Three months have passed since I left Forks and Bella. The first month passed in a blur, literally. I ran as fast and hard as I could in order to put distance between me and that little town. Every step made it easier to breathe, not that I actually need oxygen in order to survive.

The rage was all-consuming, I hate to say that many animals perished because I let the monster take over. It was easier to function in the mindless thirst and boiling, seething anger.

When I stopped in Alaska I was surprised by how much time had passed. I tried staying, but, for one, I don't have Emmett's fondness for bear. The white ice and cold reminded me of who I had lost, and, consequently, why I had lost her.

If I'm honest with myself, I know that those words aren't true. I tossed everything away. I flung her aside in order to protect her from me and the world I live in. Carlisle tried to tell me that it's all relative, that we all inhabit the same world. I admire his view of things if I can't share the same sentiments. I know better.

I can't deny that I've had my share of human blood. Nothing compares. It's sweet and pure; everything that drives human beings can be tasted in their blood. Determination, fear, hate, loathing. Evil, in some cases, and I don't use that term lightly. I hunted the corrupt, the murderers of their own kind. The drug dealers, the abusers, those who had decided to take the gift of life. There's no excuse for my actions, I know that now, but at the time I considered myself a judge of sorts.

Strength, speed, mind-reading, immortality; why waste those gifts? Why not help to even the odds? Every life taken leaves its toll. I don't know how many lives I ended by trying to do the right thing. Carlisle told me that its something every one of our kind needs to figure out for themselves. He, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, even, believe in the sanctity of human life.

They're such innocent people. Alice, Esme and Jasper especially. Carlisle is goodness and light, he saves rather than takes. By taking the profession of Doctor, he shows our kind that not only does he abstain from drinking human blood, he surrounds himself with it and overcomes the temptation daily. I don't know if Carlisle downplays his immunity to it or if it really doesn't bother him anymore. I've seen inside his mind, when I worked with him at the hospital, and some were worse than others. His control never faltered, though, not once did I see his eyes darken or his hands shake over a patient.

Emmett, well, if he were alone, if something happened to us, I believe he would take the route I had chosen. There's a lot of strength in him and the challenge I see lighting his face as he takes down a grizzly could easily be transformed to the victory I felt as another hell-dweller was eradicated. Emmett's good, too, there's innocence in him despite his appearance and the tough façade he adapts. I'll never tell either Jasper or Emmett what I've been thinking, I shudder to think of the retaliation.

Rosalie, while I love her like a sister, has a streak of hot-headedness that could get her into trouble if she were to branch out on her own. She has a temper that few can rival. Not as young as Jasper, by any means, but I've never met anyone who could carry a grudge like Rosalie Hale. It's rooted in protection, of course, no one slights us without fearing her repercussion. I could easily picture her as an Amazon, bringing lowly men to their knees, or as a cage fighter gloating over the spilled blood of her opponent. She's a fighter to the core and has a soft spot for troubled women, if its not readily apparent at first.

Jasper, in one of his role-playing Fantasy phases, split us into groups. Alice, Carlisle and I on one side and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett on the other. Esme refused to be placed against someone, so she became the one who created scenarios for us to play. Alice argued for days over why she should be able to be the thief-mage. She liked the thought of fireballs and ice-trails while wearing skimpy leather outfits. I was the guardian type, protecting the group and fighting the others, while Carlisle was the healer, which fit perfectly. Jasper was the leader for the other team, sending them into battle and making important decisions for the benefit of the group. Rosalie was the paladin type, able to do damage with a focus in healing. Emmett was the warrior, and everyone could hear that they took role-playing into the bedroom.

On second thought, I'm glad I don't sleep. Hearing his battle-cry echoing in my nightmares… I'll pass, thank you very much.

I've forgotten myself again. Its so easy to do. Time means nothing to us, sunrise and sunset are the only markers in our days. Until Forks. I think I'm jumping ahead too quickly. Too many thoughts are transpiring, too fast for me, even, to keep up with.

The second month was more difficult. I tried living with the tribe in Alaska, but their presence annoyed me. I bothered them, I'm sure, as well. I missed green, the mist that would rise above the trees as dawn broke. The calm that settled over the town as twilight approached. A new beginning for everyone. Everywhere I looked there was more white, so bright it hurt my eyes. It was irritating, I longed for the dark cover of night in which to catch a few moment's peace while knowing sunrise would help alleviate my melancholy. I didn't stay for more than two weeks.

The third month was agonizing. I watched the sun make its way across the sky as I sat on mountaintops or caves. I lost myself to thought. I could swear I heard her a few times. I'd snap out of my reverie and inhale the air desperately searching for the signature scent of Bella Swan. Strawberries and flowers, shy, feminine, goodness and humor and sunshine in one small, lethal, package. She brought me to my knees.

I've never felt as free and light-hearted as when I was in her presence. I had to change my ways. I found humanity again and lived. I… dated. I met her parents, albeit under stressful situations, but the very human part of me wanted to attain their approval. I was jealous of the mortal boys vying for her attention, I was reduced to sneaking into her room at night in order to be with her. How very juvenile. I loved every moment.

Her first kiss, lying with her in the sun as she stared, fascinated, at the differences of our skin. Her passion tested, and sometimes pushed, my control beyond all reasonable bearing. The hum of electricity that radiated from her body, I'd never felt from anyone before human or immortal. Such fire, zest for life, I soaked it up and tried to give her the world in return. Wealth, which meant nothing to me, was a constant source of guilt for her. I contemplated showing her bank statements from just the past few years in order to ease her mind, but as I got to know her I knew that if she saw exactly how much I had stored away… she'd run in terror.

The fact that I had fangs, lusted for her blood and body, of course those things didn't concern her. A few million dollars, on the other hand, would send her screaming into the night.

"Edward?"

Again, her voice. She's not here, I've checked. It's not possible that she'd be able to follow me in this atmosphere, her lungs wouldn't be able to handle it.

Pain slices through me and I have no one but myself to blame. What was I thinking? Was it really better this way? If I do return to Forks and see that she's moved on, will I be able to control myself?

Yes. If she were truly happy. It's what I told her to do, isn't it? The look in her eyes as I pushed her away… it cleaved me in half. I truly felt like a monster.

_"You promised you would stay."_

Knives, cutting me open, flaying me alive, leaving me hollow and cold. Only the image of her lying in the hospital bed, impossibly pale, her leg in a cast prevented me from begging her forgiveness. James had gone after her because of me. Had I managed to control myself in the field, perhaps he wouldn't have started the chase. If I had let the others handle the situation without acting rashly, they wouldn't have let any harm come to her, she wouldn't have had to face the sadistic fiend alone.

Bella, being Bella, would find herself in similar situations were I to have stayed. It's part of her nature, to protect, and nothing matters more to her than the people she loves. Charlie and Renee wouldn't bring blood-sucking fiends to her door.

_"You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"_

And with those words I found the strength to end things. Her soul. I would not damn her for my selfishness. I had to look away, to wrap the icy indifference around me so she wouldn't read the hesitation in my eyes. If she saw, for even a second, the turmoil I was putting myself through- the pain it caused me to hurt her so deeply- she'd be able to change my mind.

In the end, I almost did. Her voice breaking, I could hear the tears and agony in her voice as she hoarsely said, 'wait.'

She reached for me and it took the last vestige of my willpower not to crush her against me. To kiss the tears from her eyes, to ravage her mouth and stake my claim. I pressed a kiss against her forehead though everything within me was screaming to possess her. To sheathe myself in her body and take her blood, to mark her throat, her thigh, her breast so that everyone would know that she was mine.

I could feel her heart pounding against me, feel her pulse pick up speed, and I knew I had to leave. I pushed myself away, gently, and ran like a coward. I had wanted to call Charlie to at least tell him the fabricated story Carlisle had concocted. I wanted to make sure she got safely back into the house, out of the woods, but if I went back… nothing would stop me from forcing her to the ground. Knowing she wouldn't object, I ran faster.

What kind of pathetic monstrous thing was I? I broke her heart, caused her more pain than James could think to inflict upon her, and yet base rutting was the only thing I truly wanted? Hopefully she'd find someone normal. Someone who could care for her and live with her the way she deserved.

"Edward, stop it!"

Why wouldn't the voice just leave me alone? Why torment me with her? Pick another voice, anyone else. Rosalie or Tanya, even. Hell, pick the Newton kid for all I care.

"Go back to your family. Find peace, Edward. You deserve peace."

"I deserve to rot in hell," I growled at the phantom.

"Did you just growl at me?" The voice paused before a hint of shyness followed, "I liked it. A lot."

I chuckled in spite of myself. Even the apparition, using her voice, could make me laugh.

"Go find Carlisle and Alice, they can help if you let them. Please? For me?"

I sighed. Real or not, I owed it to her. A favor for a favor. I raced down the mountain and cursed the area for lack of reception. By the time I reached the semblance of a town, night had fallen. I dialed the number with hands that almost shook.

"Edward!"

"Hello, Alice," I smiled, relieved. She sounded so happy, as always, I could picture her bouncing up and down as she called the others. Would they want me back? I nearly ruined them with my hasty decisions.

I made Carlisle start over in another hospital, Esme had to move again and she was just getting comfortable. Rosalie and Emmett had just graduated from high-school, they'd started over again wherever they all were. Jasper had just adjusted, was making progress in learning to control himself, the thirst, everyone's emotions- I'd really thrown him on the grenade. Alice was adaptable, nothing seemed to phase her, which, I guess, was why I decided to call her first.

"It's about time," she said bossily. "Here are the directions…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Author's Note: **

I do not own the Twilight series or any of the characters.

**Bella's Point of View**

Christmas is almost here. I was surprised and horrified by how much time had passed. I could barely remember anything past the day Edward left. Random memories here and there, I can definitely picture Jessica and Lauren sniping together on a few occasions. Mike had gone out of his way to draw me into conversation, but he'd given up after a few weeks had gone by. Angela and Ben are still together, I think, I'd have to do some snooping before my full social reintegration occurred.

I watched the green and red lights flicker above the Thriftway and decided to do some decorating before Charlie got home. It would be a nice surprise, maybe, I'm not sure what Charlie's take on the holidays are. Last year we went to the diner and had their traditional Holiday Special- I took a peppermint hot-chocolate home and watched television with him until we both headed to bed. We exchanged a few presents the next day and aside from that… it was January before we knew it.

I loaded the cart full of white lights, tinsel, garland and ornaments. I had enough grocery supplies to make a few different types of cookies and breads, pie and muffins. The latter aren't really considered holiday food, but Charlie likes pumpkin muffins, I'll take all the points I can get.

Do we even have a Christmas tree? I didn't want to use any of the ornaments hidden in the closets. I wanted us to have a new beginning and bringing up memories of Renee probably wasn't conducive to a happy holiday season.

It took five trips before I had everything brought inside. Perhaps I'd gone a little overboard. The house seemed smaller with all of the bags piled up on every available surface. At times like these, especially, I wish Alice were here. She'd have the place decorated, with themes for each room and matching food to go along with them.

I bear no ill-will toward Esme, Carlisle, Jasper or Emmett. Rosalie, well, I didn't exactly get along with her, but I didn't dislike her for any reason. I wish I'd had time to say good-bye, at least, but… well, that's neither here nor there. Best to not go down that path, nothing good can come from it.

Where to start?

Probably with the cooking. If I wanted to decorate, I'd have to prepare the house. That could take awhile. I'd been lax, as of late, with my routine twice-a-week cleaning. I unpacked the groceries and put them in their proper places. Belatedly I realized that we had no festive dishware. I made another mental note to buy some. I left the butter, eggs, milk, flour and sugar out on the counter while I pre-heated the oven. It wouldn't take long to make a few batches of cookies. Muffins would follow, bread would have to wait for another day.

I'd forgotten, too, how much I enjoyed baking. I'd always liked preparing dessert foods better than full meals. Dessert was the fun part. Snickerdoodles went into the oven first. With a little bit of cinnamon and sugar, they, along with peanut butter cookies, were the easiest to make. I wanted to use cookie-cutters for the sugar cookies. The raspberry filled chocolate fudge cookies would also take some time to prepare. I'd have to melt the chocolate, get the raspberry filling to the proper consistency and bake the outer layer first.

I lost myself with the sugar cookies. It was just so much fun. I'd bought at least eight different colors of decorative sugar. I'd also managed to find sprinkles in Christmas shapes. I gave the sugar snow-man circle-ornament sprinkle buttons, eyes and a few orange sprinkles arranged into a triangle on his nose. The reindeer sugar-animals had green sprinkle eyes and red tree hooves. I created lines of blue and yellow sugar on the trees to resemble garland and dotted bigger sprinkles intermittently for ornaments.

I was taking the peanut butter cookies out of the oven when I heard Charlie's car in the driveway.

"Bells? It smells really good in here!" Charlie stomped his feet at the door to avoid tracking snow into the house. I'd been so preoccupied with my plans that I hadn't given thought to the icky white stuff on the ground.

"Why are you home so early?" It was barely four o'clock, I should have had another two hours to get things ready.

"I had an early shift today, not much going on… why?" His eyes narrowed as he studied me with cop eyes.

"I, um, bought Christmas decorations. I wanted to surprise you."

"Oh." He had just noticed the multitude of bags taking up his sacred space on the sofa before the television. "Need help?"

"Actually, yes. I need a tree."

"You need a tree…" he echoed. "Are you feeling alright, Bella?"

"Yes, Dad. A tree, you know, of the Christmassy variety?"

"Oh," he said again. "Right, well, I can probably get you one. It's illegal to cut down Pine trees for recreational purposes."

"So let's buy one."

"Right now?"

"Well, no, it doesn't have to be now. Er… what's your take on all of this, anyway? Are you okay with it?"

"Sure, sure," he looked lost. It was to be expected, after all, I'd thrown a lot at him lately and dumping my plans on him right as he walked through the door hadn't been the best approach.

"Come on, sit down." I helped him remove his jacket, ignoring the surprised expression on his face, and sat him at the kitchen table. I poured him a glass of milk and set a few of the cookies in front of him on a plate.

"You've been busy," he stated while studying the kitchen. I winced a little before smiling sheepishly. Flour dotted the floor, the counter was a mass of color due to the sugar and sprinkles that hadn't made it onto the pan. The microwave was open with two small bowls of melted butter sitting inside. I stepped in front of the knife on the ground, covered in peanut butter.

"I'm thinking of making dinner this year, would you be adverse to that?"

"Why, no-" Charlie paused to take a drink of milk. "These are really good, Bells."

"Thanks," I grinned. Always nice to be appreciated.

"I don't want you to over-exert yourself. What were you planning?"

"I figured I'd make a meat-pie, you know, like you used to make. I'll have turnips, homemade apple-sauce, mashed potatoes and gravy, probably. Dill bread, made with a measuring cup of dill…" Charlie laughed remembering the awful bread. I had been nine that year, and determined to help with Christmas dinner. I'd used one of Charlie's large coffee cups to measure the dill spices in. As a result, the bread came out dark green and, well, no one had eaten very much of it.

"It seems like a lot for you to do. We could always go to the diner, you know."

"If you want…"

"I'm just thinking of you," Charlie ran his hand through his hair when he heard the disappointment in my voice. "It's an awful lot of trouble for you to go to when we could have someone else make the food for us."

"It's a new tradition," I used my winning 'daughter-smile.' "And I'd have fun, the cookies came out well, right?"

I watched as he rose from the table and gingerly removed a few peanut butter cookies from the tray, careful not to burn himself. He snorted a little when he saw the sugar cookies.

"Mmhmm, deshfintely," he said around his mouthful of cookie.

"There we go then," I turned back to my creations and let the silence reign for a few minutes. It was comfortable, not awkward, Charlie and I knew the bliss quiet could bring.

"I'll make the meat-pie," he said finally. "You shouldn't have to do it all yourself."

"You could invite the Black's over for dinner, if you'd like. I don't know if they have plans, but I'm sure there's some game on you and Billy could watch while I cook the pies."

"I might not be much of a cook, Bells, but I still remember how to make meat-pie."

"No, the fruit pies. You know, apple, pumpkin, mincemeat." I said the last with a grimace. The stuff was disgusting, but it was Charlie's favorite, so I'd make one this year for him. Even though it smelled, and looked, like dog-food.

"Uh, sure, I'll ask them tomorrow."

"Good." I was satisfied, this year was going to be great.

It had been awhile since I'd heard from, or seen, the Blacks. Charlie had refrained from fishing and having company over during my… stint. He'd stayed home with me, catatonic though I was, in order to be sure I was okay. I felt bad for depriving him of the things that made him happy. Fishing and sports, it wasn't too much to ask for, was it? If I didn't actively participate, I wouldn't stop him from pursuing his hobbies.

I'd never really gotten to know Billy's son, Jacob. Aside from the first initial meetings, where he'd shown me how to handle the truck, I hadn't seen him since. He had seemed like an easy person to be around with his jokes and good-nature. I certainly had no romantic interest in him, but considering how I'd alienated most of my friends, maybe I could start over with some new ones.

I didn't know much about the La Push crowd- aside from the fact that they hated the Cullens. It was another world down there. They followed their own rules, had their own laws, and I have to admit curiosity for their way of life. Jacob had been very polite, though, despite some of the wild stories I'd heard about him and his friends. They rode motorcycles, dove off cliffs, a few of them had tattoo's. Charlie didn't agree with a lot of it, but Billy had assured him that the boys were safe.

I shrugged, placing the sugar cookies into the oven. Why not walk on the wild side for a change? It's not as though I'd be sporting any ink or plummeting into the ocean anytime soon. It was just a dinner, after all.

**Author's Note 2:**

**I was debating on whether or not to have Jacob make an appearance. I'm not a huge fan of the werewolves, but there's no sign, thusfar, that the wolf part of Jacob's personality will come into play. I'm sorry, again, for the slow pace of the story. It's needed, I think, because Bella's just starting to live again. Small steps, right? And the holiday's should be fun, especially with Christmas less than a week away. Blame this chapter on my days filled with cooking. Haha.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Authors Note: **

The Twilight series and the related characters do not belong to me.

**Edward's Point of View**

"Emmett Cullen, how dare you!"

I quickly moved out of the was as an enraged Alice barreled past me. They were moving relatively slowly due to Esme's dire warning about her furniture. Furniture included paintings and portrait's on the walls. With our unnatural speed, we could lay waste to a house without much effort.

"What," Esme said, blocking Emmett's escape from the top of the stairs, "is all of this yelling about?"

Alice glowered from the bottom of the staircase, "he used my shirt to wipe down the bathroom tiles!"

I snickered, Emmett was done for.

I'd learned to laugh and shed some of the depression during the time I'd been here. Which wasn't very long, but I really had missed my family. Between Emmett's antics, Jasper's zany ideas, Alice's exuberance, Esme and Carlisle's affection, Rosalie's bitchiness- I felt like I was home. I had come home. No matter how many places we'd move to, they'd always managed to make each new house home for us.

"Um…" Rosalie cleared her throat and looked pained. "Alice?"

"Yes," the little vampire replied, through her teeth.

Her scream nearly shattered the windows. I felt the floor vibrate under my feet. In Rosalie's well manicured hand was the remnants of a black leather skirt.

"Babe, come on! Throw me on the damn grenade…" Emmett sneaked past Esme and was gone. Probably out the bedroom window. Alice, not to be deterred, headed toward the front door and took after him. Emmett might be faster, but Alice had more endurance. She'd hunt him down and tear him apart.

"What were you doing in the bathroom?" Esme asked, mystified.

"The water's warm," Rosalie shrugged.

Another ear-piercing scream sounded from somewhere in the forest. "You used my clothes to clean up after your _dirty shower sex_?!"

I couldn't help but laugh. I tried to keep the volume down, the house had taken enough abuse today as it was.

"It's good to hear that," Esme smiled at me. "I'm glad you're back."

"Thanks," I grinned as she made her way into Carlisle's study.

I'd been here a week now. Jasper had opted they use a cabin he'd bought in upstate New Jersey. There were no more trophy kills mounted on the walls. Gone were the ancient rifles, hunting axes and antlers. From the outside, the cabin still looked like a hunting lodge, but inside?

Once Alice and Esme had finished decorating, I saw images in their minds of what the cabin had looked like prior to their arrival… let's just say the women had added a feminine touch to the otherwise masculine accommodations.

The kitchen, unused, was also quite large. Five bedrooms were situated on the upper level, a master bedroom for Carlisle and Esme, slightly smaller rooms for us. Each room had a fireplace of it's own, it gave the place a nice rustic feel despite the grandeur with which we had grown accustomed to.

Alice had color-coordinated the rooms in deep burgundy and white for Emmett and Rosalie's room, light green and a darker orange-yellow for Carlisle and Esme'a suite. She had chosen a soft purple and gray for her and Jasper's room. For me, she'd picked a blend of dark blue, eggshell white, and deep brown. The blue reminded me of Bella's sweater, my favorite one. The brown was a close match to Bella's eyes and hair, but nothing could compare.

Of course, Alice being Alice, the bedcovers, ruffle, bookshelves, desk and art matched the color schemes. While the beds were unnecessary, even our kind can appreciate high thread count. It felt quite nice to relax with a book, sprawled across the bed. Not so nice to concentrate on said literature while trying to tune out the sounds of the couples making use of their fireplaces and the soft rugs placed before them.

I stared at the rug and tried not to think of Bella. Alice had yet to bring up the subject, but I knew she wanted to. It wouldn't be long before the questions would begin. Bella had been her friend and Alice did not like being separated from people she liked.

Dark blue blended with the white fibers of the carpet, the brown outline taunted me with warm eyes and strawberry scented hair. I lay back and closed my eyes as venom pooled in my mouth. Emotional stress caused that reaction, and while I craved her blood, I missed her presence most of all.

I felt as though part of me were missing. There was a wide, gaping hole in the fabric of my essence, the part that tied me to humanity. When I was alone, not distracted by others, I could feel the emptiness pulling at me, craving completion. I rested my arm over my eyes hoping that, as the colors faded, the pain too would cease.

"Edward?"

I groaned. The voice loved to say my name in the breathy, excited, happy-to-see-me tone that had brightened my days. This time, as had become a trend recently, the voice sounded unsure and sad.

I almost preferred the normal Bella tone. This one twisted the knives, made me want to roll into a fetal position for fear that parts of me would rip open.

"Yes?" I'd learned that ignoring the voice did no good. Answering it sometimes sparked conversation. I laughed coldly, talking to a voice only I could hear, even by human standards that didn't bode well.

"Why do you do this to yourself?"

"I don't know what you mean," I grit out.

"Yes, you do. Why are you so sad all of the time?" Again with the sadness. I couldn't find anything humorous to say in hopes I'd hear her laughter, so I decided to stick with truth.

"I think that would be obvious."

"There's no reason for it."

"I disagree." And there lay the crux of the matter. No matter how… sad, as she put it, I was, it was nothing compared to how I'd feel were she to die because of me. My world. I'd known from the beginning, I'd tried to warn her hoping that her sense of self-preservation would be greater than my inability to stay away. All she had to say was no and I would have found the strength to leave her be. She never said no to me, ever, which was why I had to put her best interests first. Her well-being meant more to me than my own life.

"I thought we'd been through that," the voice sighed. "Why won't you let me lo—"

"Who are you talking to?"

I blinked, standing at the doorway was a very concerned Carlisle.

"Um, no one." I muttered. "Did you need something?"

"I definitely heard—"

"You heard someone else?" I realized, too late, that I'd just given myself away. I nonchalantly stared at him hoping the hasty words could be forgotten. The need for an answer almost outweighed my desire to not appear insane.

"No…" he replied slowly, "I thought you were on the phone with someone. You sounded as though you were in the middle of a conversation. But that does answer my question, with whom were you speaking?"

"No one, just thinking aloud, that's all."

"Ok then. Just wanted to know if you'd like to hunt with me?"

"Sure," I shrugged. "Sounds like fun."

Following him out into the hall, I swear heard the voice.

"Why won't you let me love you, Edward?"

"Race you," I plastered a challenging smile on my face as I took off.

"You're on, kid."

I kept an even pace, slow enough that he could keep up, but fast enough that it challenged both of us. I could see the worry in his eyes. Yes, soon the questioning would begin. Did I have any of the answers?

The decisions I had made seemed right at the time, but I found myself wondering if I'd been right. I don't know if I believe in things like fate or destiny, but finding the one person, out of all the places I've seen, traveled, whose mind is closed to me. It's hard to chalk it all up to coincidence.

The main question would be- if I were to return, would she accept me back? Would I want her to? I'd stood in front of her and rejected every bit of love that she felt for me. I'd been cold, callous and cruel.

As I feasted on the blood of my deer, I snarled in disgust, why would she let such a monster back into her life?

"Edward?!" I heard Alice yell.

Carlisle met my worried glance. I hadn't done anything. I wracked my mind for memories of disturbing her clothes, anything she held dear. I couldn't recall anything. If Emmett had somehow found a way to make the bathroom mishap my fault…

I laughed as I caught the last part of Carlisle's thoughts.

"… at least it's not me."

"Edward? Where have you been? I've been calling for you!"

"Uh, sorry, Alice? I swear I didn't--"

"You have to take Emmett and Jasper hunting. I'm going back to Forks with Rosalie. Esme has opted to stay seeing as Bella sees her more of a mother than a confidante. No offense meant, but Bella needs us."

Dread curled inside of me. What had happened? I'd made her promise to be safe. And why Rosalie?

"Everything's fine," Alice sighed. "She needs us. Girl-time, you know?"

"I'll come, are you sure she's okay? What can I do? What's wrong with her? I--"

"No, Edward," she snapped. "You have no idea how she feels about you. I can't say it bodes well for your future together. She's alone and hurting, I've seen it, I've felt it. Something's going to happen if I, at least, don't go. It's blank, there's nothing, I can't see anything past tomorrow when it comes to her, do you understand? I need to leave soon, tomorrow morning at the latest!"

"I'm coming with you," I growled.

"No you're not," she fell into a protective stance and I watched stunned by how tall she seemed now.

"Why the hell not? Maybe I can fix-"

"No!" Her scream startled all of the animals within our general vicinity. "You going there now will not _fix_ anything! You'll make it worse! She'll hate you if you don't give me time to fix _your_ mess. Sometimes, honestly, Edward, you're so damn stubborn! Both of you!"

"And what am I to do?" Carlisle asked. "Am I to be included in the girl-time or am I going with the boys?"

"What?" Alice eased down and I mentally thanked Carlisle for the reprieve. "You're to stay, of course. You were here, I didn't think it was necessary to elaborate."

"Oh," he sneaked a pointed glance in my direction. It had been a ploy. I inclined my head slightly to show him my appreciation.

"Now," she continued bossily. "You will return in no less than three days. I _mean it_. That will give us time to bring her around so she's at least receptive to your reentry into her life. Bring a damn present, something that shows you care, okay? Not something you buy, you know how much she hates that. You _will_ feed and take care of yourself. Wear the dark green shirt and black leather pants. She thinks you look hot in leather."

"Really…"

"Now is _not_ the time to be flattering your ego, damnit. I've got to go. You boys… go do something. And help Esme with the moving, we'll be in Forks for at least six months."

I ran my hand through my hair and looked to Carlisle sheepishly.

"Did you want to start practice here? I…"

"Actually, I prefer Forks. The equipment here is even more rudimentary than that of Forks Hospital, if that's even possible. I'm thinking of donating to their hospital, in someone else's name, naturally, in the hopes that I can vote they use the money for upgrades."

"So you'll donate _your_ money and hope the voting goes your way to buy the stuff you need? Wouldn't it be easier just to bring it all back with you?"

"Yes, Edward, I'm going to carry medical x-ray units in on my back, is that right?"

"Ok, good point."

"I can make a second trip to the car for my ultrasound equipment."

"Alright, alright," I laughed. "Sorry, I was just curious."

"It's not a problem," he grinned. "Thanks for the donation, Edward Masen."

I couldn't even bring myself to consider that I was going back and breaking the promise I'd made to myself. If there was to be danger, I'd much rather prefer to protect Bella first-hand. Why had I left in the first place? The reasons were elusive. I couldn't think past the excitement and anticipation of seeing her again. Three days. Only three days and she'd be mine again.

If she'd take me. What had Alice said? You'll make it worse? She'll hate you?

I hadn't thought past leaving. I had never considered going back and having to deal with repercussions concerning my absence. No, that was a lie. I had entertained certain fantasies involving Bella. They had entailed her running to me, making me swear never to leave again as she breathed warmth onto my neck, my chest as she slept. Or else she'd lead me to her room and with dark eyes would make me pay for leaving her by marking me with her sharp little nails and teeth. She'd mark me as hers before I could take her… ok, better turn from those thoughts.

It was going to be much more difficult than that. Presents wouldn't begin to cover the damage I'd wrought. They wouldn't hurt though… hopefully. Boyish enthusiasm. I was one hundred and ninety years old. Yet the thought of returning home to my girl-friend, if I could still call her that, had me bouncing around like a kid.

I'd show her, I'd make her know that I'd never do anything to violate her trust again. I'd camp outside of her window, if need be. I would… a million possibilities ran through my head, but failure wasn't an option. I needed her.

**Authors Note 2:**

**All I can say is… yay! Finally! It's about damn time something happens to bring him back! I still have no idea what Alice was thinking. She'll make herself clear in the next chapter or so. What do you all think? Things looking up?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Bella's Point of View**

**Authors Note**: The Twilight series does not belong to me, nor do the characters.

**Authors Note 2: **Slight lemon warning.

I see him in my dreams. He's never happy. I haven't been troubled lately by nightmares. I always see Edward at least once during the night. I don't always remember the dreams, but I can recall feeling safe, loved. The pain is still constant, but it doesn't grate at my insides in the same way, at least during the day. I still dislike Edward, but I can't help but be satisfied knowing that I see him when I sleep. I haven't screamed out because of the dreams, at least. Charlie is beginning to actually hope that I'm recovered. I am too.

It helped forge said hope when I went with him to get a Christmas tree. It was fun father-daughter bonding time. He helped me decorate it, too, and, surprisingly, brought out a few of the old ornaments. I didn't like the pained expression on his face, but as I wrapped him in tinsel and laughed the look faded. I'm hoping to replace all of the bad memories with good ones.

That goes for more than just him.

In the middle of the night, I can't find the anger that protects me during the day. These past few days the dreams have been sharper, more detailed. They weren't as happy, Edward was suffering. I just feel… empty again because of them. And I hate it, but all I really want to do is see Edward happy. I dislike him for the pain he's caused me, but while I can fantasize about putting him through hell because of it, in person, all I want is for him to be happy now that we're not together. I feel bitter, of course, but I can't stand the idea of him in pain because of me no matter what the reason.

Tonight I dreamed that he was living in a cabin within the forest. It was impossible, I know that, because no cabin I've ever seen would look like his. Furniture from all time-periods graced the interior. I would have blamed Alice for the furnishings, but they seemed elaborate even for her.

He had been lying across an incredibly blue bedspread. The look in his eyes tore me apart. He seemed so lost. The emotions I felt emanating from him rivaled my own. I could hear part of what he was thinking, though they were murky, cutting in on one another so quickly I found it difficult to keep up.

He was torn. Part of him longed for me, to return to me. The other part wanted to stay, to withstand the agony of existing in order to keep me safe. There was another side, hidden, but I can't deny that it exists within him. It wanted my blood, it wanted me to be his. It was almost painful. The intensity of the desire, the thirst, the love. I had known love could hurt, but that mixture of… it seemed as though he wanted to live within me. If he couldn't achieve that goal, he'd settle for me in a lesser extent. That part of him was primal and raw. Dominance, ownership and love were all closely related. He would never hurt me, unintentionally, but knowing how strong vampires were, he wouldn't have to try very hard. I had new respect for his self-control.

Edward covered his eyes with his arm. I didn't like that at all. I wanted to see the gold perfection of his eyes even if I knew he couldn't see me.

"Edward?"

He groaned and I recoiled slightly. There was so much disgust and loathing in that sound. I hadn't meant to cause him pain. It was my dream though, I didn't know how to leave without waking up.

"Yes," he said finally.

Sighing, he lowered his arm and turned his head to the side staring directly at me. My breath caught as I saw how deep his suffering ran. I wanted to wrap him in my arms, to lay my head on his chest and never awaken. I couldn't move. I couldn't even see myself. It seemed as though I could speak, might as well work with what I had.

"Why do you do this to yourself?"

He was quiet for awhile. Shock, surprise, more pain, resignation. I could understand all of the emotions except for the last.

"I don't know what you mean," he replied through his teeth. This wasn't real. He never showed his fangs to me. I don't really understand how that works, anyway. Do they elongate? Is it some sort of illusion? I'd seen him smile plenty of times and never once had I seen his incisors like this.

"Yes you do," I answered quietly. "Why are you so sad all of the time?"

"I think that would be obvious."

Not to me. I wanted to scream, to shake him, to make him tell me the truth. Either he missed me, wanted me with the desperation I wanted him, or what he had said to me in the woods were true. Why would he say such cruel things if he--

Oh. I should have known. He would always do what was best for me regardless of how it hurt him. Hurt me. He didn't know how deep my feelings ran for him. There's no way he could have known that I'd be broken without him. Did he truly believe that I'd eventually be able to pick up, move on, live normally? Yes, yes he did.

"There's no reason for it." I tried my best not to snap at him. This was just a dream after all. Why make him feel worse than he does now?

_Because he left you_. I hushed that side of me and focused on Edward. I might be able to dislike him during the day, but now that I was with him, I didn't want to leave. I loved him. I would always love him.

"I disagree."

_Your well-being means more to me than my own life_.

That I was able to hear loud and clear. How… Edward.

"I thought we'd been through that." I couldn't keep the tears from my voice. I knew I'd wake to a wet pillow. "Why won't you let me lo--"

No. No! He had disappeared. I was there, but I was alone. I screamed for him over and over, I scanned the room frantically.

I remembered trying to follow the direction he'd taken off the trail in Forks. It was futile, he moved too fast. There was no way I could track him let alone keep up with him.

"Why won't you let me love you, Edward?"

I woke sobbing into my pillow. Just as I'd thought.

I hadn't been able to remember the last dream I'd had where Edward wasn't himself. I could remember it now.

We had been in a cave of some sort. Etched into the mountain it was as secluded as one could get. Fading into the earth, only Edward would be able to find such a place. He sat with his back to the wall, arms clasped over his bent knees. His face was like stone, utterly devoid of emotion. Only his eyes flickered back and forth as the sun moved across the sky. Shadows fell across his face before the sun would move again. Bathed in darkness, his skin sparkling the next, it had been strange seeing him that way.

I didn't have a corporeal body then, either. I couldn't reach out to touch his shoulder, to lift his face to mine and see the recognition in his eyes.

Most of all I hated seeing him in tattered clothing. It wrenched at me, made me want to lash out at him, at whomever had caused us such pain. He normally attired himself so well. Designer clothes, even jeans and a button-down shirt managed to look sophisticated when he wore them. Leather, well, enough said about his leather pants and how good he would look without a shirt on.

His pants were ragged at the hems. Only the fact that they were jeans had saved them from being ripped apart. I doubt he was even aware. The pale white of his chest, shoulders and stomach showed through the rents in his shirt. Silk was not as durable as denim. He'd been running, no doubt. With his grace and agility, why he'd let the branches get close enough to cause this much damage to his clothes… unless he didn't care. Maybe he'd wanted the pain. No, not Edward. Chances were he'd been moving so fast, the trees, anything in his way had been unavoidable.

"Edward?"

I watched, stunned, as life immediately returned to his face. I almost preferred the empty, stone expression. It looked as though he were being tortured. His shoulders hunched and creases appeared on his forehead.

Though he didn't need to breathe, he was panting and searching the cave as if I'd jump out at him.

I heard his thoughts, was this how he felt all of the time?

_It's just a dream, you know, it doesn't mean anything_. I pushed the thought away. I was being given a chance to see him as he'd never let me. The things I heard, though, broke me inside. He blamed himself for everything. His love for me seemed more of a burden then… well, what love should be.

He was a vampire. That he lusted for my blood wasn't a shock. I can't deny that it had been, a very long time ago, but I knew he'd never bite me no matter how much I wanted him to. I could see what he wanted to do. What he only allowed himself to do within the privacy of his mind.

I could almost feel his arms around me. His hold unbreakable, fingers cold around my waist, the muscles in his arms taut as he pushed me back against the tree.

No, his mind had taken a different turn. I was on the ground. He was poised above me, staring into my eyes as his eyes blazed with love, hunger, dominance. I smiled at him softly and relaxed. He tore my shirt open, ripped through my jeans. His lower body pushed at me relentlessly as he buried his face in the space between my neck and shoulders.

Inhaling sharply, Edward growled against my skin and I shivered. Without further adieu he bit into me. I raised my hips and rocked against him as he trailed kisses down my torso. His hands roamed over my body possessively. He owned me completely, I'd always known it, and now he was making me his.

He bit again, this time over my left breast. Fire scorched through my body and I gazed at the sky lost in the sensation.

"No," he snarled. "You look at _me_ when I take you."

"Yes," I whispered as he decimated what was left of my pants.

I felt his teeth enter my thigh. So close to where I wanted him to be, but before he took me completely… waves of self-hatred hit me.

"Bella," he said brokenly. I watched him run. His eyes cold, despair and fear following him no matter how far he tried to escape.

"Edward, stop it!"

I was with him. I wasn't at my usual position on his back, I managed to pace him. Being without a body had it's perks at times like these. He'd made me real and now, now that he didn't want me near him, I returned to whatever form this was.

He had found the cave, how much time had passed? I didn't know. I stared at him, watched as the countryside changed around us. Edward ran as though the devil were chasing him. His emotions ranged from hatred to love to agonizing loss, the self-loathing ever present. How could he hate himself so much? Couldn't he see how much he had given me?

Now, watching him give up, to cease trying, I had to try and help him.

"Go back to your family. Find peace, Edward. You deserve peace."

His sneer made my heart hurt. His eyes were nearly black, when was the last time he'd fed? He had told me that it was nearly impossible for vampires to find an end. Starvation, disease, not even the elements would help them die.

"I deserve to rot in hell," he growled. This time it was directed at me. I felt a fission of warmth that coursed directly to the place between my thighs.

"Did you just growl at me?" If I could have blushed, I would. "I liked it. A lot."

The darkness in his face dissipated. He laughed. I wanted to dance, to shout, to straddle him and kiss away every bit of sadness that had pervaded his life since he left. Mostly, though, I wanted him to claim me as I'd seen in his mind. I longed for that loss of control on his part. I wanted to see evidence of how much he wanted me, without words, he'd always told me, but words weren't enough anymore.

This wasn't about me, though. Especially not about something so crass as physical fulfillment.

"Go find Carlisle and Alice, they can help you if you let them. Please? For me?"

The last had been a little cruel, but I could dish it out as well as I could receive it. At least my intentions had been to help. Though, I guess, his had been too.

He sighed and stared at the setting sun in acceptance. He nodded to himself once before taking a deep breath while getting to his feet. I watched him take off in a blur of white and blue. Why was he always leaving me behind?

Were these just dreams? I was hoping for… what? A sign? A sign that I wasn't so dependant on him that I could comfort myself with him during sleep if I couldn't have him in life?

Bella, I shook my head at myself. It was a nice illusion. To think that he actually needed me, that he wasn't with his family now, starting over somewhere new. Why would he leave them? He loved his family and I certainly wasn't the factor to come between them.

No, Edward was probably better off. He had said I was bad for him. Maybe he'd found someone new, a vampire, perhaps, who wouldn't cause him to try living as a human.

This changed nothing. The dreams could continue to torment me with him, but I'd have the daytime to fight them all away.

The sun was just coming up. It was Christmas, I realized.

I wiped my eyes and decided to shower before starting on dinner. I could get the pies out of the way, let them bake while I mashed potatoes and turnip. Today would be a good day.

* * *

I decided on a dark green sweater and blue jeans. My shoes were red, with no heel, but Charlie would appreciate the femininity of my outfit. He'd never come out and say anything, but I know he preferred to see me dress up a little for special occasions. I chose a red hair-tie and poinsettia hair clips that I'd forgotten I owned.

"Morning, Bells," Charlie paused as he set his coffee back onto the table. "You look really nice today."

"Thanks, Dad," I laughed at his tie. I'd bought that for him when I was seven. It had a picture of the Grinch trying to fit down a chimney. It sent a warm fuzzy feeling into my stomach to know he'd kept it after all this time. Not that he wore it much, it looked as though he'd just taken it out of the box.

"The Black's should be here around one, if that's still okay? You told me to pass the invite along and I took your advice."

"Sure, sounds good. No fish for dinner, though, it's going to be a traditional Christmas meal."

"Yep, I remember. Let me know when you want me to get started on that meat-pie."

"Now's as good a time as any," I decided. "I can work on my homework while you make it. That way, when Billy gets here, he doesn't have to see the mess you make of a kitchen."

"Ha ha."

I sliced a piece of cranberry bread from where Charlie had placed it on the table. I was glad that he seemed to like my cooking. _Like_ was a little bit of an understatement. He'd nearly devoured the pumpkin muffins the moment they were out of the oven. Only be practically wrestling him to the ground did I manage to save the rest of the baked goods.

"Today's no day to be doing homework. You slice the potatoes. I'll… something, the meat."

"Sautee."

"Sure, whatever," he agreed. "Um, where are the pots?"

"Frying pans," I laughed. "You sure you don't want me to make it?"

"I had a good system going. It's not my fault you rearranged everything."

"Yeah, that's the reason you don't know a pot from a frying pan."

"Do you cook in it?"

"I guess…" I had no idea where he was going with this line of inquiry.

"Then it's all the same, right?" He chuckled to himself as I handed him the proper kitchen instrument.

"Sure, whatever you say, Chief Swan." I tried to hide the laughter as he melted butter with the paper still attached.

"Goddangit," I heard him mutter when he burned his fingers trying to pull the paper from the pan. I'd noticed that Charlie had started substituting PG rated words instead of his usual curses. If I hadn't been the cause it would have been funny.

"You have to remove the plastic and Styrofoam from the ground beef before you add it to the pan."

"Hardy har har," he replied dryly. "Thanks for your sage wisdom, oh, wise Isabella."

"Anytime," I rolled my eyes while peeling the potatoes.

The rest of the event passed… uneventfully. I was proud of myself for not cutting my hand open with either the peeler or the knife. Charlie was proud of himself for making the crust himself. All in all, a very successful endeavor.

We were just relaxing with some Christmas cookies when the front door opened.

"Howdy, there," Billy waved cheerfully. "Sorry we're late. Jacob had to change twice before we left the house."

"Thanks again, Dad. I love the over-sharing."

"Didn't even notice you were late," Charlie rose and went to the fridge for a few beers. Tactful, as always he was. I checked the timer on the stove. Twenty minutes until the meat-pie was done. Plenty of time to prepare the fruit pies and have them in the oven. At this rate, we'd be eating dinner by six.

"Need any help?"

I stared at Jacob. He had gotten a lot taller and even more muscled, if that were possible. Standing at six feet, probably more, he made the kitchen seem smaller and me feel like a dwarf.

"Uh, no. Thanks for offering, though. I've got things under control."

He grinned and looked toward the living room. "Come on, give me something to do. Don't make me go back out there and listen to them argue over sports. Or worse, trade kid stories. You don't want me to hear your embarrassing growing-up moments, do you?"

"Fair enough," I laughed. The sound surprised me. Only with Charlie had I managed to laugh and it not be forced. Jacob was still easy to be around.

"What are you making?"

"Shouldn't you have asked that before offering your services?"

"Naw," he shrugged. "I'm versatile. I can chop, slice, and dice with the best of'em."

"Okay, so anything that has to do with knives. Got it. Should I be worried?"

"I'm not the Ripper, Bella," he laughed. "Only veggies and non-breathing things need to fear my wrath."

"Duly noted." I passed him a cutting board. "You can cut some apples for me, if you want. You really don't have to…"

"I told you. It's no big deal. Besides, I can't sit in here and watch you cook. It'd be wrong. I'm a guest, after all."

"Precisely." It should have been awkward to have Jacob helping me. I didn't normally like assistance when I was cooking, but he was so easy-going that I couldn't feel annoyance. "Being a guest, shouldn't you be taking it easy?"

"Okay, I can take a hint," he half-smiled. "Sorry if I was in your way."

"No," I replied hastily, I didn't want to see him disappointed. Besides, it was nice to have someone to talk with besides Charlie. "Sorry. Here, take the peeler. I should have told you to peel them first. Dig any bruises out, okay? When you're done, let me know. I'll show you how to cut them."

"Bossy, huh. I don't normally like authoritative women, but I'll make an exception in your case. It's kinda hot."

I blushed at his semi-compliment and busied myself with opening a few cans of pumpkin puree.

"I didn't know girls still did that."

"Did what, sorry, do what?" I shouldn't have asked, curiosity got the better of me.

"Blush. It's cute."

The statement made me turn a deeper shade of red. It had been a long time since I'd had a reason to blush. No, stay away from those thoughts.

"Um, thanks, I think?"

"Coming on too strong? Over-compensating, probably, because of my dad's embarrassing revelation."

I chose to ignore the first part of his sentence. I wasn't sure how to respond, anyway. "I didn't hear. I was in the kitchen."

"Okay," he snorted. "Just like your dad, thanks for overlooking it."

I nodded and added the cinnamon, brown sugar, and evaporated milk.

"So why pumpkin pie?"

"Hm?" An hour had flown by. Despite my pleasure at having someone new to speak with, I wasn't the best conversationalist. Jacob had been humming while peeling the apples so at least we weren't in complete silence. Normally I liked quiet, especially the comfortable kind, but I didn't want him to think I was ignoring him or trying to freeze him out.

"Isn't it more of a Thanksgiving thing?"

"I don't know, is it? Charlie really likes it so…"

"No big. Just curious," Jacob continued his humming.

"What song is that? I recognize it."

I missed music. I hadn't been able to tolerate it, but I was contemplating digging out a few of my CD's. Maybe falling asleep to music would help keep my dreams regulated.

"Nickelback's 'Animals," he laughed. "It's a good song."

"It's an okay album. They used to be edgier."

"Edgier?" Jacob raised his eyebrow at me, "you a closet head-banger?"

"A… what?"

He let out a bark of laughter. "Never mind, apparently not. I agree, though. Their new stuff's not bad, give it another try."

"I never said I didn't like it."

"Good," he said, satisfied. "What other bands do you like?"

"I don't know. I'm partial to Classical music. A bunch of stuff, really."

"Bach, Beethoven, um, Mozart?"

I need to start thinking before I speak. Classical music reminded me of a certain person. Watching him play the piano was- well, I'd never be able to forget the passion and peace on Edward's face as his fingers ran along the keys.

"Sorry, I don't know much about it. I threw out the names I could remember from Music Theory class."

"Why apologize? Most people think its boring."

"You looked sort of… strange for a moment."

"Ah."

"Okay, so I'm done peeling all of these apples. What now?"

"Cut them in half, turn them so the core-side is facing down. Then slice them evenly- would it be better if I showed you how to do it?"

His eyebrow raised again for a split-second. I might be imagining it, but now it seemed as though he were the one blushing.

"Sure," he cleared his throat.

My fingers brushed his hand as I reached for the knife. I nearly dropped it when I felt how heated his skin was.

"Jake! You're sick, you need to get home! I can't believe I let you help. You should be in bed or something! This is--"

"Hey, hey," he put his hand over my mouth and looked worriedly into the living room. "It's normal for me, okay? Some sort of birth thing. Doctors, nurses, the entire medical staff goes nuts whenever I tried to go for an exam. Really, Bella, it's normal. Do I seem sick to you?"

I shook my head no against his hand.

"I'm not pale or flushed, right? You, on the other hand, have been both since I've been here. Are you sure you aren't ill?"

I glared at him and tried to convey my rancor through body-language.

"Don't bother Charlie, okay? He'll be worried and there's no explanation for why I'm like this."

I pried his hand away from my face. "Okay, fine. Watch it with the manhandling."

"Sorry, I didn't bruise you, did I?" Now he looked sick. I'd seen that look before.

"You really need to stop worrying. I'm clumsy, I fall a lot. I bruise easily, don't get all worked up," I restrained myself from slamming my fists into the counter. This anger was a tricky thing. It rose up from nowhere and scorched everything in its wake. I wasn't normally a violent person, but lately I'd had an intense desire to hit things.

"Ookkaayy. Sore subject?"

"Sort of," I muttered. "People always coddle me because I'm so pale, that's all."

"Not as pale as the Cullens were. They have you beat, hands down. That was unnatural, man."

"What?"

"Oh yea, that's right. You would know best. You're dating the one… Eduardo or something?"

"Edward," I replied quietly. It felt as though I had tunnel-vision. I could see nothing but the orange of the pie. The room was spinning.

I heard Edward. He'd snarled as I said his name. I could see him leaping toward me to save me from some perceived danger. I recoiled not wanting to feel his familiar touch even if he existed only in my head. His eyes burned with gold fire as he gazed at me sadly. I tried to look at him, to see more than just an outline of his shape, but my gaze was riveted to his face.

"Hey, Bella? Bella?"

I focused and found myself staring into Jacob's deep brown eyes. He had one hand on my waist, the other on my shoulder. Our noses were nearly touching.

"Am I interrupting something here?" Charlie cleared his throat loudly.

"No, Chief Swan. I was trying to get Bella to dance with me."

"There's no music," he was staring at Jacob, strange how his stance wasn't hostile. He looked almost pleased by our interaction.

"He was humming," I said automatically. I'd learned to lie better, Charlie only called me on it half the time now.

"Hmph," Charlie made a sound that was part amusement and part disbelief. "Good luck with that. Bells doesn't dance."

"I know," Jacob half-grinned and let go of me. "She latched onto the counter and wouldn't let go."

"Yea," I cleared my head as I noticed Jake's pressing glance. "I tripped and he caught me before I fell."

"Alright then. Good reflexes," Charlie was smiling as he left the kitchen.

Jacob waited until he heard them speaking before turning to me expectantly.

"What?" I asked defensively.

"Mind telling me what that was all about? It's probably none of my business, but I've never seen anyone look like you just did."

"What, um, did I look like?" I wanted to know. If it were bad, I'd have to bolster my non-existent shield for all things Cullen related. I locked the Edward phantom away to investigate later. I was afraid that if I brought the memory to the surface, I'd fall back into the- whatever it had been.

"You were fine until I mentioned… them. Then you said his name and went white as a sheet. Your eyes did this hazy, unfocused thing before they rolled back into your head. I thought you were going to faint. Your explanation wasn't far from the truth. You looked at something behind my shoulder and went even paler, not that I think it's humanely possible for a person to be that gray. Then you jumped back and looked as though you were going to cry. That's when I freaked out and you came back from wherever you went."

"Oh," I stepped away and wrapped my arms around my torso. I was cold all of a sudden.

"So that's the way of things," Jake sighed. "I'm sorry I mentioned them. I won't again, okay? If you need to talk… I know we aren't that close, but I'm around, you know."

"You're closer to me than a lot of my other friends."

"Thanks," he smiled widely. "You okay now? Break-up's hurt like a bitch. You shouldn't have to go through it alone."

"I'll, er, keep that in mind. Thanks, by the way, for the rescue?"

"I'd say anytime, but I don't want to see you like that again."

Jacob was right in saying we weren't close friends. Yet I felt protected again. In his presence, the cold was already receding. In the past I'd have locked myself away in my room until the numbness waned. I had recovered in only a few short minutes. The episode had been bad, yes, but maybe with Jake's help I could learn to function like a normal human being.

It was wrong of me to consider using him that way. He obviously cared more for me than I would be able to reciprocate, to anyone, for a long time. It wasn't just a relationship he was after, it seemed as though he would be content to be my friend. For now. I was in a short supply of friends and I'd be grateful for his friendship and for his warmth.

"So what next," he asked.

"Um, the potatoes? I mean, I need to make mashed potatoes."

"Peeling again," Jake groaned. "Fine, but you owe me big for this, Swan."

"You offered," I managed to smile and it was almost real.

"Remind me of that in the future."

"I will." This time my smile was genuine. Jake matched it and groaned again as he reached for the bag of potatoes.

**Authors Note: **

**Damn! That chapter didn't want to end! See? Kinda happy, right? And a small little lemon, too, with Edward? Jacob insisted on making an appearance. I didn't want him too, but he kept stealing the scene. I'm warming up to his character. Not enough to consider a relationship between them, but who knows where this story will go. Doubtful, I'm very much a fan of Edward and Bella. I loves me some vampiric Edward goodness. Haha. However, there was plot development and a twist here and there. For those I'm incredibly grateful. 'snoopy dance'**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 **

**Edward's Point of View**

Authors Note: Twilight and the characters related do not belong to me.

Jasper let out a rebel yell loud enough to wake the entire countryside. He and Emmett high-fived after they took down their prey. The sound created by their hands slapping together caused a small landslide.

"Well, here's to another twenty mile quest for food," Carlisle mimed lifting a glass to toast Jas.

"Ah, c'mon. It wasn't that loud, was it?" Jasper looked sheepish, but still pleased with himself.

"Listen," I laughed. I could hear the scamper and stampede of animals fleeing from us.

Jasper grinned. "Might as well make the best of it."

He let out another yell that made the hair on my neck stand on end. Emmett joined in with a fierce howl.

"Damn, I wish Rosie had heard that. She loves it when I cat-call at her."

"Way to be mature, guys."

"Lighten up, bro. Join us. Pick an animal and let loose."

"I'll pass for the moment," I snickered. "Thanks for the offer, though."

"Man, Edward," Emmett sighed. "We're living in a new century. You need to shed some of those rigid social standards from the nineteen hundreds. Take small steps, try wearing jeans and a hoodie. Sneakers?"

"Yeah, use words like 'groovy' and 'awesome.' Get with the times," Jasper added helpfully.

"Um, first of all, nobody says groovy anymore. Guys don't really say awesome, either. I think its more of a chick thing."

"I say awesome," Jasper replied.

"You're also feminine lookin'," Emmett snorted.

His ploy to get a reaction from Jasper worked. I had heard Emmett use both of those words, sometimes on the same occasion. The word groovy had been very commonly used during the seventies and eighties, it was rarely used now. Jasper growled playfully and crouched into an offensive position.

"Bring it on, chicka."

I watched them fight for a minute. There was hardly a winner to be expected in their tussle. Emmett may be stronger, but Jasper was faster. He could evade Em's heavy attacks and land two of his own in the process.

"Is there a problem with the way I dress? And speak?"

"I don't know, Edward." Carlisle mused. "I think you're very nicely attired. I don't have much of a chance to wear casual clothes because most of my time is spent at the hospital. As to the way you use words, I've been told I have certain issues, as well, with adapting to the way humans speak these days."

"See?" Emmett ran back to us. "All of that could have been said with a simple, 'I'm a doctor, Edward. I wear a coat that covers my clothes and I speak in medical jargon all day long. I don't know, man.'"

"Why does this matter?" I asked.

"You asked our opinion. I'm helping," he snickered. "You're gonna need a lot of it."

"I've worn sneakers before. I admit to preferring leather to the synthetic nonsense that shoes are made out of in this age. I wear jeans, too, I'm wearing them now, aren't I?"

"Once again," Emmett corrected. "'Yo, I don't like sneakers. I'm wearing jeans. Fuck off,' is what you should have said. And yes, you're wearing jeans. The pansy ass shirt and your dress shoes kinda over-shadows the normal, you know."

I looked down at my silk gray button-up. "I like it. Piss off."

"That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Instead of saying 'piss off' you could give me the finger."

Jasper added, "he means that you should raise your middle finger at him. That's not to be taken literally."

"I knew that, Jas." I chuckled at the look on Emmett's face should I have ripped one of my fingers off to hand him.

"I felt confusion, didn't want there to be some tragic misunderstanding."

"This is bound to baffle him, I mean it's, what, one hundred years of conditioning we're trying to break through here?"

"Look, all I wanted to do was bridge the gap between Bella and I. She didn't feel as though we were on equal ground. Perhaps if I act like some of the boys we went to school with it wouldn't be such an issue."

"She knows how old you are, right?"

"Yes," I answered Emmett's question.

"And she's heard you talk before?"

"Of course."

"She likes your clothes?"

"I… don't know. I assume so. She never offered any complaint. I know she has a certain fondness for my leather pants." I was beginning to understand why he had such an issue with the way I spoke. Everything he said was short and to the point. Coarse, in my opinion, but thinking back to the way I'd heard teenagers speak, it was a close resemblance.

"Ah, now we're getting somewhere," Em looked excited. "She has a thing for the bad boys, huh? Go Bella. She could be into some kinky sh- er, sorry."

My warning growl apparently clued him in that any thoughts of Bella in a sexual way were off-limits.

"We could pierce something," Jasper mused. "Girls seem to like tongue rings. We could find some way to tattoo a-"

"We want her father to have a favorable opinion of Edward, as well." Carlisle said. "Tattoo's and piercings are not conducive to a positive reaction from Fork's Chief of Police."

"Good point," I added. I thanked Carlisle again for stepping in on my behalf. The prospect of Emmett procuring something sharp enough to enter my skin, adding ink that might absorb into my blood-stream without staying on my flesh, and all of that without a guarantee of success, made me instantly wary.

"Anyway," Em said, not to be deterred, "first stop for us is a mall. We can get Edward here a leather jacket. You can buy something for Bella there, too."

"Alice said that I shouldn't give her something from a store."

"Flowers? You could make her a CD. Play her something on the piano and record it. She loved the song you composed in her honor."

"I think it'll have to be something more than that, Jas. I've done those things before." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before asking the question that made terror and dread curl in my stomach. "Do you think she'll take me back?"

At their silence I cracked one eye open fully prepared to soundly thrash Emmett for one of his off-hand comments. To my surprise, all three of them were seriously contemplating their answers.

"What did Alice say?" Jasper inquired at last.

"She said… Bella will hate me if I didn't give her time to fix things first."

"Ouch," Em winced. "That's not good."

"I was malicious, it's beyond forgivable. The look on her face… and I left here there. What a damn coward. She has no reason to want me back in her life. I-"

"Whoa, ease up on the guilt trip, man. You're causing Jas pain."

"Sorry," I replied automatically. Jasper's face cleared after a moment and he leveled a stare in my direction.

"You need to talk to her. I don't just mean about what happened between you both in the forest. You said that you wanted to bridge the gap in your differences. Communication is the key, you can't hide things from her. I know you tend to analyze everything, but let her in on the process. Think how it would look from her perspective," Jasper paused.

This was one of the longest oration I'd ever heard from him. Carlisle and Emmett, too, seemed shocked. As he spoke, his southern accent returned in full. He always had a slight drawl, but it was nothing like this. I could see why he'd been revered as a general in the Confederate Army.

"You find it frustrating, beneficial, of course, that you can't read her mind. She's never had that ability. All she wanted from you was confirmation that you truly loved her, without you telling her constantly. I know that she knew, but think of the times you'd go silent, cold, as you put it. Think how that would appear to her. She's young, impossibly young, and you're her first relationship. Her boyfriend withdraws from her emotionally, randomly, disappears for days at a time, and when he returns she's supposed to believe everything's fine? You worked through the issues, but she didn't know that. Did you ever tell her what conclusions you reached?"

"We've talked before…"

"In which you down-played everything to spare her feelings. Edward, she accepted that you're a vampire. She accepted that you live in a house full of vampires. She even accepted that you crave her blood and that physical intimacy would be difficult under the circumstances. You don't think she'd be able to handle the minute details of your life in comparison?"

"Well, goddamn, Jas. That was a hell of a speech."

"I agree," I mused. "Thank you, Jasper. I can understand why she had certain misgivings in our relationship. I won't make the same mistakes again."

"Easier said than done, bro. Our lifestyle is kinda highly stressful for humans to handle. It's stressful for us and we go out of our way to avoid long-term commitments. The second something happens, you're going to go all ape-shit and protect her again."

"Of course I'll protect her. She's human. Carlisle? Am I wrong here?"

"No, not really."

"See?"

"I wasn't done, Edward. You do have a certain tendency to force your ideas on her. You push her in the direction you think is safest without offering a chance to give you her opinion."

"I listen to her."

"Do you consider what she says? Honestly?"

"Er, sometimes? She's human! This is all out of her league. How is she to know what's best for her when she's never been in the situation before? Most normal girls don't go around courting vampires."

"Most vampires don't pursue a human girl in the hopes of forming lasting bonds. It's new for you, isn't it?"

"Yes, Carlisle, but I'm infinitely more difficult to kill than she is."

"I think this is a conversation best saved for Esme's input.

Emmett mimed a whip cracking. Carlisle glared at him.

"Edward wants to regain Bella's trust and love. The relationship you share with Rosalie is rather, um, unconventional. Bella isn't like Rosalie and whereas your methods work in the parameters that you and Rose have set, Bella, I think, will need a different approach."

"Tactful," Jasper commented. "I think he told you to get Edward invited back to Bella's window first before he thinks about getting into her pants. I know, don't get all defensive."

I rolled my eyes and turned to make my way back to the house. The others followed, we'd been standing outside for about two hours. Carlisle was right, I needed a female's perspective. Seeing how Alice and Rosalie had left, Esme was the best option. Out of the three women, I'd trust Esme with her insight to my problem. She reminded me more of Bella, at any rate. Rosalie was angry, passionate in a fierce way. Alice was exuberant, more pixie than vampire. Bella was quiet, calm, always tolerant of what went on around her.

"Thanks, Em," I said in the hopes that he wouldn't take Carlisle's words to mean I dismissed what he had said. There were a few good points I'd gained from the conversation we'd shared. "Really, you were quite helpful."

"I know," he grinned. "Remember, when you're done talking with Esme, we've got a mall to hit."

* * *

I headed to the shower before going to see Esme. She'd seen me dotted in blood before, but I was never comfortable walking through the house in such a state. I was usually better at taking my prey, hardly and of their blood would stain my clothes. Recently, though, I'd been feeding for the sake of losing myself in the kill. It was a lot less graceful, more brutal, and it caused more wear and tear to what I was wearing at the time.

I wanted to see Bella. I sighed and rested my forehead against the tiles that had warmed from the heated water. What was she doing now? Did she look the same? Did she still use strawberry shampoo? Were her lips chapped or healed? Had she cut her hair? Minute things that I'd have noticed, had I been there, were left to the imagination now. Did she keep her promise to me? How many injuries had she sustained since I'd been gone?

I closed my eyes and conjured an image of her in my head. The last time I'd held her had been in Charlie's kitchen. I frowned slightly as the memory I held shifted.

She was wearing tight blue jeans and flat red shoes. I could see the paleness of her skin where the hem of her pants ended. A dark green, rather low-cut sweater showed a good portion of cleavage. She was thin, much thinner then she'd been in any of my memories. So delicate, fragile she looked. As though she'd waste away to nothing, I could see her collar-bones, the muscles of her throat stretched thinly over her pulse and neck. Her eyes were shadowed, she hadn't been sleeping well.

Her hair was pulled back by red clips in the shape of flowers. I wanted to undo the barrettes and bury my hands in the long mahogany strands. I wanted to rest my cheek against her pulse, smell strawberries and the unique mouth-watering scent of Bella Swan.

"Edward," she whispered.

I growled as her face drained of color. Her eyes fluttered and I lunged instinctively to catch her before she fell to the ground. She looked so weak, I grimaced at the thought of her small frame crashing to the floor. Her skin bruised so easily.

I stopped short when she looked at me. Directly at me. I was elated, was this some sort of out-of-body experience? Was I so attuned to her that I'd managed to get to her when she needed me most?

The elation faded when I realized that she was staring at me in horror. The deathly white shade of her skin turned ashen as her eyes widened and filled with trepidation.

"Bella?"

A sound escaped her throat, denial and terror. I took a step toward her wanting to reassure her, hold her, ease her trembling. Bella's back hit the counters with enough force to jar her body. I grimaced, but stayed in place. She had flinched away from me. It wasn't seeing me that had caused that reaction, it was my touch, my very presence she seemed to abhor.

I felt my heart break and shatter, but I couldn't stop looking at her. So beautiful. I could feel the life and passion emanating from her despite the feelings she felt toward me. I felt her wanting to study me, to look at me completely. I remembered my state of undress and willed her not to look lower then my face. She seemed to understand and kept her eyes on mine, I was thankful for that, at least.

This was no out-of-body experience. This was a nightmare. Bone-chilling, blood-curdling, my worst fears come to life. Was my subconscious trying to prepare me for the worst case scenario? Her staring at me as though I were something horrendous. Hurt, pain, anger, fear, and rejection in her eyes. I felt her wanting to be released from the same force that kept me bound to the room. She wanted to run from me. I fisted my hands at my sides and forced my eyes to close. I blocked her out hoping it would release her, as well. For once I'd do as she asked, accepting her decision no matter how it tore at me inside.

My eyes opened and I found myself staring at white tile. I hissed and jumped out of the frigid water. Vampires can feel intense cold and heat, it doesn't harm us, but the sensation is uncomfortable. I fell to my knees outside of the shower. Slamming my fists against the wood I didn't care about the damage to the cabin.

"No," I growled. I would not accept this. I'd take the- whatever it had been- as a warning. A worst-case scenario, as I'd said. I was damn sure that were I to have been standing there, completely and utterly me, I wouldn't have given in so easily. I did not take defeat well.

* * *

"It's going to take patience, understanding, and time, Edward. From what I've heard from Alice, she's not… well."

"What do you mean by unwell?"

"She's in a lot of pain. Emotional pain," she stopped me before I'd made it to the front door. "You will not interfere with Alice's plans. She told you three days, did she not?"

"I'm sorry. I heard-"

"I know what you heard," Esme said sternly. I could see the beginnings of sadness in her eyes. I didn't have to read her mind to know what she was thinking. "That's one of the things you're going to have to curtail. You can't go running to her every time there's an inkling of danger. Not yet, at least. As much as it hurts to stand by, you're going to have to let her live. People make mistakes, they do things that aren't wise. If you want her to live as a human, experience life fully, you can't be there to prevent every accident."

"I can't watch her be hurt. Not if I can stop it from happening."

"Yet you left her."

"Esme, was that really necessary?"

"Yes, Carlisle. I believe it was."

"She's there now, alone. Any manner of accidents could occur. Were they life-threatening, Alice would see before it became a serious threat. You made the decision and you've been away from her for three months. When you go back, you need to allow her some freedom. You most certainly can not swoop in and expect her to follow where you lead. I know you protect her because you love her. It's hard to watch the ones you love make mistakes, but knowing they'll learn from them, that the mistakes are needed in favor of growth and experience, its quite necessary."

"I… understand."

I felt Jasper emitting waves of calm, but I didn't want emotional manipulation. Esme was right. It would be more difficult than I could imagine; to watch Bella flounder, to test the odds when it came to life and death, but while I wished it were otherwise, I couldn't be there for her all of the time.

"I have one other question for you before you escape to think things over."

"What would that be?"

"Edward, there's a slight chance that she won't be able to forgive you. What will you do should she decide to walk another path? If you return and she's found someone else with whom she feels affection?"

"I'll… I don't know. I've wondered that myself, many times, but I can't consider that right now."

"You might want to think the options over. I don't want to lose you again. I don't want to see you do something rash and detrimental."

"So you think that's how things will be? Bella won't be… mine… anymore?" I could barely say the last few words.

"I couldn't begin to know," she sighed and Carlisle wrapped her in his arms. "I understand your motives, I can even agree to a point. Bella loves you, I'm very sure about that. The kind of love you two share doesn't fade easily."

"She risked her life to save you, Edward. Quite a number of times. She rushed headlong into danger in order to spare you pain. The situation with James, for example. Rather than call you, to inform you that James had kidnapped her mother, she went alone. Part of that was because she acted as she thought was best. Another part was because she didn't want there to be any chance that James be the victor in a fight with you, which would result in her losing you forever."

"Have you seen the footage James recorded?"

"No."

"That's probably for the best," Carlisle interjected.

"She fought. When he mentioned you, when James told her the reason behind the video-taping, her instinct to run ceased to function. She faced a sadistic vampire, raged at him to leave you alone. She was prepared to die at his hand rather than give him a reason to track you." Esme smiled, though I couldn't begin to see any reason for happiness after what she'd said.

"Bella…she what?!" I slowly removed my hand from the back of a chair to avoid splintering the furniture.

"She loves you, Edward. It's definitely going to take time. You can win her back, you've faced worse odds. That she would die for you should come as no surprise. You'd do the same if given the chance."

"Yes, Carlisle, but-"

"No, other circumstances don't matter when it comes to love. You do insane things to keep the ones you care for safe. I think you understand what I mean."

I nodded at Esme.

"Go," she hugged Carlisle's arms and brought them closer to his body. "Go think, you have plenty of time to plan. You know all we've ever wanted was for you to be happy."

"I know," I hated causing her sadness. All of them. How they continue to find the tolerance to deal with me and my dark moods astounds me.

I went to the piano rather than returning to my bedroom. I wanted to vent and rage, to get answers to the impossible questions. I'd lied when I told Esme I hadn't really thought about the different outcomes that could occur with my return. I'd thought of nothing else. I apparently had even gone so far as to live, first-hand, the worst result I could come up with.

I found myself playing Chopin's Etude in C-minor. Dark, satisfying, perfectly suited to my mood. The piece had been difficult to learn, but I'd mastered it as time passed. What else was there to do? I had many works committed to memory. My piano I held sacred. It comforted, soothed, gave me courage and determination. When I needed an outlet or if I needed to practice control, the fine ivory keys waited. I had destroyed two piano's by exerting too much force.

The third grand piano had met its ruin on the night that had started this spiral into madness. A simple paper-cut. An ordinary occurrence that had resulted in devastating consequences.

I couldn't blame Jasper. I can remember how strong the urge was to attack when I was first created. The smell of human blood had caused a very primal part, still connected with me, to emerge and demand satisfaction. Everything fades but for the craving, the intensity is staggering. No human thoughts, not ethics or morals, nothing can stave off the need except for will-power.

It's worse for Jasper, Rosalie, Alice and I because we know how fulfilling having humans as food can be. Animal's are fine, we make do, but the heavenly and hellish sensation of warm blood pumping out of a human's artery… of feeling their fear, how they struggle- absolutely nothing compares.

I need to hunt again. I'm too volatile to even think of someone bleeding in my presence. When I'm back in Forks I'll regain the control I've lost.

With the way my moods have been fluctuating lately, the anxiety I feel, my control has been greatly diminished. I'll need to feed more and more often as these three days comes to a close.

I will not hurt Bella again. I have faith in my ability to abstain from enacting my fantasies when it comes to her. I've no desire to bite her, not as of right now. The thought of her writhing underneath me, raking my back with her nails, her teeth biting into my—

Hunting. Now. Lust and hunger are closely tied. I can divert the motivation behind one to the other, but only feeding was available at the moment.

She brought so much back into my life. Color, feelings, love, warmth, comfort, she truly did give me a reason to exist. That I want to corrupt her with something as base as rutting makes me feel ill.

"People have sex all the time, you know."

I placed my fingers on the keys and began to play. Hunting could wait. If I moved, would the voice leave? It hadn't in the past, but seeing as the voice wasn't attached to anything and I hadn't heard Bella in so long, I was content to stay. This was a different Bella than the one I had seen during my shower. She didn't sound as if she were revolted by me. This Bella was teasing, forceful.

"Not talking to me anymore, huh? You seem happier, at least. Guess I was wrong after all."

"No," I pleaded, "wait."

"Want to continue talking about sex?"

"It wouldn't simply be sex with you."

"Not rutting either then, I suppose."

I winced, "most definitely not."

"Then, what, Edward? Making love? Slow, tender, passionate love-making?"

"Preferably. You can set the pace if you'd like." And with one sentence she made me see how wrong I'd been. It was an act that was supposed to be rooted in love. If I got the chance, I'd do my utmost to show her, physically, how deeply I cared for her. It could be a long time before she let me into her room, but I was prepared to fight for her.

"You don't let me past second base, why should I believe you?"

"I'd give you anything you wanted. I'd lay the world at your feet if you'd let me."

"I don't want the world."

"What do you want?"

No answer. I closed my eyes and fisted my hands against them. I slowly let the tension ease, feeling it leave my body, my muscles relaxing marginally, I counted to twenty. This Bella I could understand. The hurt, bitter tone based on my rejection and cruelty. Anger was better than fear, much better than horror.

"Want to know what I hate?"

"Yes," I nearly shouted. She hadn't left, after all!

"When you look like that. Keep playing."

I did as she asked almost smiling at her authoritative tone, "don't leave again like that. Please?"

I could almost sense her. That hesitation mixed with hope was pure Bella. I could see her, in my mind, turning to face me with hope and pleasure in her expression.

"Why," she asked carefully.

"Why not?"

"I also hate when you answer questions with questions. It's annoying," she snapped.

I laughed, "I learned from you."

"Did it irritate you?"

"Greatly."

"Good."

"Tell me something," I had to find a way to keep the conversation going. My Bella never spoke very much, but this phantom seemed to have plenty of things to talk about.

"What?"

"I don't know, something interesting."

"It's Christmas."

I missed a few notes but kept playing. "I hadn't realized."

"Time flies, huh?" The bitter anger seeped into her voice again though I didn't know what had caused its return.

"Creeps is the more appropriate word."

"It's your turn now. You tell me something."

"I miss you."

I played for another few minutes before I knew the voice had gone. It wouldn't be returning. I don't understand what conjures the voice nor do I know what causes it to leave. It seems to appear when I'm alone, I've never heard it while around other people. Carlisle, maybe, seems to be the exception, but I haven't a lot to base that theory on. It seems my earlier statement was incorrect because I definitely heard it as I left with him to hunt.

The voice never speaks in any tone other than Bella's. Since she's the focus of practically all of my thoughts as of late it isn't difficult to understand why.

The voice, also, doesn't seem to heed my pleas. No confirmation, no promises, it comes and goes as she, it, pleases. Maddening.

"Um, Edward?"

Oh no. Someone else had heard me talking, seemingly, to myself.

"Yes, Em?"

"You need more help then I can give, man. I didn't know that vampires talked to themselves. No, that they had entire conversations with themselves in the third person."

"I do it quite frequently."

"No, you really don't."

"A habit, then, I should have said I've recently started talking to myself as a way to ease stress."

"Know what a healthier way of relieving stress is?"

"Yes, I think I know where you're going with that question."

"I don't really want to think about you… having some alone time. Like, ever, dude, but seriously try it. You won't seem like you should be in a crazy-house strapped into one of those jacket things."

"Yes, I don't want to see, or think, about you thinking of me doing anything of the kind."

"See? You can make sense sometimes. I'm going to play some basketball, you game?"

"No, thanks. Um, not feeling the sports right now?"

"Yea! Come on, give me props. It's been less than a day and you already sound normal."

"I like the way Edward speaks," Esme said, coming into the living room.

"Really? I think it makes him sound weird. Like he stepped out of a Dickens novel or some shit."

"Language, Emmett."

"Er, sorry."

"It's kind of you to try and… improve Edward's social standing, but he has more important things to be worrying about."

"Right! I was going to play ball, but we've got some shopping to do. I feel like a chick, you know, but I'm doing this in your best interest. You gotta make a come-back with a little style. Bella thinks you're hot. Live it up, man. Blow her mind. The key to any girl's heart is in the appearance."

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Esme raised her eyebrow.

"Well, it's not the only way, but it'll get a good reaction. You want that, right? I mean, Rosalie in a mini-skirt and some stiletto's? She can get me to do whatever she wants. Why should the girls have all the fun?"

"How flattering your opinion of our gender is," Esme remarked dryly.

"You know I'm kidding. Sort of. Can you honestly deny that she won't go all weak-kneed when she sees him in leather pants, rockin' a leather jacket with the 'I could take you right here, Bella Swan' eyes on?"

"The what?" I laughed at the absurdity of his statement.

"Every guy has a look. You know what I'm talking about, Esme. The Look. It says, 'I want you right now 'cause you're so damn _fine_.'"

"I think I understand."

"At least someone does," I replied.

"Bella's never stared at you, crazy lust in her eyes, heat in the air because she's stuck to the floor due to your entrance? If the answer's no, then, well, sorry but you're screwed. And not literally."

"You're so eloquent," I retorted.

"So you do get it. Good. Let's go, the sooner we get this over with and the faster I'll be able to regrow my balls."

"That was disgusting, Emmett Cullen."

"Hey, truth hurts," he chuckled. "Go find Carlisle, you know you want some action after my little speech. Not as good as Jasper's, but, hey, I wasn't a general."

"You're going to leave me alone with this?" I swept a hand in Emmett's direction.

"You boys have fun," Esme waved before she headed directly to the study. Exactly where Carlisle was pouring over some medical journals. Not for long, apparently.

**Authors Note 2: **

**I hope I've gotten the characters right. I had a friend read what I've written so far and he says that there's a definite difference between the 'Bella's' way of thinking and 'Edward's' way of twisting words. He didn't know very much about Twilight, though. **

"**It's the one with the sparkly vampires, right?" **

**Yeah… but yay for feminine wiles and the obligations of friendship, haha. Grousing all the way, but he got through everything I wrote. **

**Input would be greatly appreciated. Reviews make for further motivation. The story is coming along at a pretty nice pace, I think. Things are happening, there's a decided let-up on the angst. Anyway, on to chapter 7!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Bella's Point of View**

**Authors Note**:  
Twilight and the related characters do not belong to warning for the second half of the chapter. Small lemon, by the way. Figured I'd throw that out there in case there are younger readers perusing the story- as though ya'll aren't going to scroll down until you find it. Haha.

The rest of dinner was uneventful. Compliments from Billy and Charlie led me to believe I'd done well in establishing a new tradition. Everyone protested when I brought out the desert pies, but it didn't stop them from eating a slice of each one. I noticed Jacob had an aversion to the mince-meat, same as I did, but he admired the elaborate design of it's crust. I laughed at his compliment delivered with a slight crinkle of his nose.

After pie came presents, usually the most dreaded aspect of Christmas. I was looking forward to seeing Charlie's reaction to my gifts this year. I hadn't expected anything from him, but I should have known better. He loved me, wanted me to be happy. Now that my recovery seemed, in his eyes, to be in it's final stage, Charlie was light-hearted and willing to forget the awful past three months.

I'd gotten him a top-notch fishing pole. It was called a Shimano Cumara, the reviews said that it rivaled other fishing poles that were way above my price-range. I had found it for eighty dollars on E-bay and immediately purchased it with the money I had saved for college. Compared to its two hundred dollar retail cost, it seemed like an amazing deal.

Charlie and Billy whistled as he removed the giant Santa bag, the only thing I could find that would conceal it entirely.

"Bells, you shouldn't have. This is a pricey piece of equipment."

"Won it in a poker game," I said nonchalantly. I couldn't stop the flush of pleasure that rose to my face as he examined every inch of the pole with the excitement of a kid.

"When do you play poker," Charlie snorted.

"I saw that beauty sitting on the table and couldn't resist," I smiled. "I know my fishing poles. Won it on the first, um, deal."

"Hand," Charlie corrected. "Seriously, how did you afford this-- you used your college fund."

"No, Dad," I said quickly seeing his face begin to turn red. "I work, remember? I know how to save money. I really did find a good deal. You don't like it?"

I lowered my eyes to the ground and tried to look crestfallen.

"No, no, it's a wonderful present. Thank you, definitely, I just don't want you throwing your future away because of some fancy fishing rod."

"You deserve the best," I glared at Jacob who was smirking at me. He obviously saw through my ploy, Charlie's attention was completely diverted or he'd have caught on, too. "You didn't see the second part of my present."

"There's more? Bells, no. This was more than enough."

I laughed, Charlie was even worse at receiving gifts than I was.

"I figured you and Billy could share, you know, because I didn't have time to get them real presents."

"Dinner was enough," Billy patted his stomach. "I'll have to do more than fishing to get rid of the six pounds I gained tonight."

Charlie stared at the oddly shaped, uniquely wrapped package under the tree in dismay and curiosity. He tore through the paper and glowered at me.

"Bella-"

"It wasn't expensive, really!" I protested. "I told you, it's a joint present."

I'd bought an assortment of lures and bait, string, and I was quite pleased with myself for the artistic way I had arranged things. I hadn't ordered any of the colors Charlie would see as feminine. The

Readi-Lure® Fishing Tackle Box Storage System was clear, though I had to really restrain myself from having the one in hot pink delivered.

Berkley Gulp Floating Eggs were in their proper compartments; an assortment of green, yellow, white, red and orange bait were color-coordinated with lures and string. A little girly, but it had come from me, after all. I purposefully went a little over-board with the organization in the hopes that Charlie would see me as the daughter I was before the unfortunate incident.

"Well, damn," Billy spluttered. "When did you learn so much about fishing, Bella?"

"It's pretty interesting, I made sure to get the right equipment. Salmon and trout, right?"

"You got it," Charlie said nearly speechless.

"So… I did well?"

"Absolutely. Thank you, Bells. It's too much," he glowered briefly, "but, really, thanks."

"Of course, Dad," I grinned brightly as I watched Billy from the corner of my eye. He was nodding as he checked the storage box, I knew that Charlie hadn't been sparing my feelings. My research had paid off.

"You, er, have Christmas presents, too, you know."

"Oh, right," I chewed my lip uncomfortable being the new source of attention.

I hastily opened the three parcels Charlie placed before me.

He had gotten me an I-pod speaker system, three new books, and a heavy dark-blue winter jacket. I raised my eyebrow at him over the jacket.

"Your mother bought it, I wrapped it," he elaborated. "I noticed yours was getting a little… frayed. Figured you could use something warmer."

"I love the color," I touched the pure white fur that lined the inside. "It's beautiful."

"No animals harmed," he flicked the tag that explained the company's method of using faux pelt.

"Cool, that's really cool of you, Dad. And the speakers are great, you know how I'm always losing my headphones."

"Yeah, I figured that's why you weren't listening to music. Those things are so flimsy. Twenty dollars for'em and they break in a week."

I opened the card that came with the presents and gasped as two gift-cards fell onto my lap. They were set in hundred dollar amounts.

"Dad, no. This is… way too expensive, both of them?"

Billy and Jacob started laughing and I stared as Charlie looked rueful.

"Like I said," Jake reminded me, "just like your dad."

"But-" I flushed again remembering Charlie's objections. "Er, thank you, I mean. Really."

"You need clothes, don't you? And I got the books I remembered you said you wanted, but I couldn't remember the rest." He looked as uncomfortable with the sincere gratitude as I had been.

"Thank you, Dad," I fairly leapt the distance between the sofa's and crushed him to me in a hug. I hoped my emotions conveyed how grateful I was that he had given me space to acclimate, that he was so accepting of my faults. How good of a father I thought he was, how much I loved him.

I heard him chuckle as he wrapped an arm around me. It wasn't a real hug because I had trapped his other arm against the cushions, but it was as real as I could have hoped for.

"So, do you kids have plans or anything," he asked as I reluctantly pulled away.

"Plans?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, you know. It is Christmas," Billy added.

"Um, no, I don't think so. We could hang in my room, listen to music or something."

I was confused. I'd only learned this morning that the Blacks would be here, when would I have time to make plans? I realized, belatedly, that this was Charlie's attempt at match-making.

"Sounds like a plan," Jake grinned, adapting instantly. "I want to see your collection."

"Uh, okay. Let's go?"

I stood awkwardly and looked at the tattered wrapping paper and ribbons strewn across the room. Dessert plates littered the table, half-empty glasses and beer cans scattered around the kitchen and living room.

"Go," Charlie said, confirming my suspicions, "you made dinner. I can clean up."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, you kids go and have some fun. Good, clean, fun, you get me?"

"Geez, Dad…" Jake nearly blushed again.

"Um, see you guys later then." Jacob followed me out of the living room, I wanted to put some distance between them. I could feel his embarrassment and wanted to spare him any further mortification.

"Oh, hey," he touched my arm when we got to my bedroom door. "I got you a present, too."

"You… what?"

I stepped backwards and fumbled with my doorknob. I hadn't gotten him anything, there'd been no time for shopping. Would he be upset? Disappointed? I was his friend, wasn't I?

"Yeah, it's not much but, whatever, it's Christmas."

"Um, Jake-" "No, it's cool. I know you said downstairs that we kinda threw you off. It was nice of you to include my dad with the fishing box. You think on the fly, I like it."

"Erm, thanks. I'm sorry, for the record. I'll get you something, I swear. I just need… time," I finished lamely.

"Naw, don't worry about it. Girl's are the ones who get pretty things, anyway."

He dropped two boxes into my hand. They were wrapped unevenly, it made me smile. His style reminded me of the trouble I'd found with scissors, tape, and the rolls of paper.

"Nice room," he commented. "It suits you."

"I guess," I shrugged. The television was downstairs, what were we going to do? From what I knew of Jacob Black, he was more of the outdoorsy type. I preferred writing and reading to sports and the elements.

"You have a lot of books."

"Yep, do you enjoy reading?" There was always hope, at least it would be a conversational topic.

"Naw, not really," he answered. "Graphic novels, maybe. Comic books, definitely."

"Hm," I nodded as though I understood. Books with pictures in them hadn't appealed to me since third grade.

"Where's your music?"

I reached into my bed-stand and handed him the I-pod. I remembered a slightly more awkward moment, akin to this one, where I, too, had used music as a distraction. The memories were getting easier to handle. After seeing Edward standing in my kitchen, in my dreams, none of my recollections seemed as real.

"Want me to set up your I-pod system?"

"Sure, I guess. Thanks."

"Not a problem, do you have a screwdriver?"

"Somewhere…"

"Oh, never mind. They run on batteries or they can plug into your wall, see." He showed me the space in the back where the batteries would go.

"Cool."

"Yeah, it's awesome. You can travel with it, nice of Charlie to get you the case."

"He's good at giving presents."

"Mind if I play something?"

"No, go ahead." I mentally braced myself. This would be the first time I'd willingly listened to something since…

"You sure?"

"Go ahead, what else are we going to do?"

"If it weren't night I'd take you to the beach. Hey, that's not a bad idea. We could chill at La Push, you can bring the travel speaker system of yours. It's too cold for swimming, but its something, right?"

"Sounds like fun," I smiled hesitantly wondering if he were being polite or if he truly wanted to spend time with me.

"So that's a yes, then?"

"Yes."

"Good,' Jake lay on his stomach and perused my play-lists. "Open your presents, I mean, if you want to. I'm curious what you think of them."

It really bothered me that I didn't have anything to give him in return. I didn't even know where to begin if I were to shop for him. I know that he enjoyed working with cars, he had a fond place for Nickelback, but aside from that? I could buy him a graphic novel or a comic book, but I didn't know what he liked. What series did he own?

I was relieved that he didn't watch me slice through the paper. I used the end of a hair clip to loosen the tape, I had left a butter knife on the coffee table for precisely that purpose. The last time I had opened presents… not a good experience.

I stared at the quill pen and ink set complete with an instructional calligraphy book.

"You complained once about how bad your handwriting was. I figured that once you started writing the way they show you, you'll put everyone to shame.

"Wow."

"I know its-"

"This is fantastic," I said interrupting him. "Thanks, I've always wanted one of these."

It hadn't been a lie. Buying one seemed frivolous, there were plenty of books I could get instead of trying to improve my penmanship. Now that I owned one, I was excited about trying it out.

"You're kind of a weird chick, Bella."

"How so?"

"You look live I've given you a million dollars or something. Most girls would throw a fit over receiving a present so… outdated."

"I'll write you letters," I promised. "You can help me practice."

"Letters," he replied drolly.

"Yeah, everyone gets mail, but no one's thrilled with bills or advertising. If I send you mail, you won't need to dread the mailbox."

"Cool, I'll write back to you. It won't look as fancy as yours, but yea, I'd write back."

We were making plans, he really did want to be my friend. I opened the second, smaller box and gasped aloud.

Hanging from a thin silver chain was a midnight blue pendant. It was shaped like a tear-drop; part of the moon dipped down over the point. A russet colored wolf sat at the bottom, nose in the air as it howled. Obviously hand-painted, a lot of work had gone into creating the necklace.

"This is… gorgeous! Did you-?"

"Not me," Jake shook his head. "I don't have the patience. A friend of mine on the reservation makes them. One of a kind, it's supposed to ward off bad spirits and nightmares. The shape is usually used with eagles, you know, a tree at the bottom and the bird soaring on a light blue sky? I thought maybe you could use a wolf to protect you. It's the animal we revere over everything else. Seemed fitting."

"You're amazing, Jake. I love it."

I fastened the catch with shaking fingers; his gifts were so thoughtful.

"I'll have to think of other things to get you, you smile more."

"No!" I answered, immediately panicked "No, really, please don't."

He laughed, "alright, no problem. Don't freak out on me again, ok?"

"No freak-out's," I swore. "You just took me by surprise earlier. Won't happen again."

We spent two hours listening to music, talking about nothing of any consequence. I was sad to see him leave, but Jake had asked me about La Push again before he left. We had a date, not in the romantic sense, in two days. He was so easy to be around. Little things that had been nearly impossible for me to do; listening to music, discussing Classical composers, watching myself write letters in script that should be elegant, remembering Edward's handwriting… they weren't as painful in his presence. His humor acted like a shield, the normal ripping pain that those associations could bring seemed unable to penetrate the light mood that Jake had created.

* * *

Edward. It wasn't disorienting anymore. I had decided to go where the dream took me and to have fun while I did it. I was used to seeing him once my eyes closed. I'd thought of him playing the piano earlier, no wonder it manifested in my dreams. The feelings invoked while watching him compose music or playing songs from his endless repertoire were intense. Out of all his talents, his musical ability was my favorite.

His thoughts, as always, were chaotic. So many topics, how he could process so much information and keep track of it all astounded me. One leapt out at me, he thought sex with me would be corrupt? No, I breathed easier, he saw it as though he were defiling me. Rutting? It was a funny word, not so funny if he compared sleeping with me to that. Edward, I groaned, why couldn't he see that I had wanted him to take me as much as he wanted to do the taking.

"People have sex all the time, you know," I stated matter of factly.

I can never stay quiet, I was invading his mind. While he might not be aware of that fact, I can't sit by and watch him without announcing myself. I feel too much like a voyeur. And, being as it's my dream, I can say, and do, whatever the hell I want.

Okay, maybe I can't do what I'd like to. I still have no body. This was getting irritating. I'd like to have the ability to sit, to walk around, to wave my hand in front of his face and have him see me. It didn't appear that he could even hear me. Why should he? I was intruding upon him. All of my dreams had seemed to have one central focus point. Edward in pain.

This time he seemed at peace, relaxed.

"Not talking to me anymore, huh? You seem happier, at least. Guess I was wrong after all."

This was fine. I could listen to him play until I woke up. I missed it, truth be told. Now that I'd gotten a handle on the dreams, maybe I could try listening to the CD he'd made for me. No, probably not, way too soon. It was probably best I not try to force things so quickly.

"No, wait," he replied glancing around the room. Edward sighed softly and continued to play.

So he _could _hear me. What to say now.

"Want to continue talking about sex?"

Why not? It was a subject that had been off limits, dream Edward could fulfill some of my fantasies if I could get him to open up.

"It wouldn't simply be sex with you."

Of course not, I had told him that countless times.

"Not rutting either then, I suppose."

He grimaced, "most definitely not."

Whoops, had I said that aloud? Ah, well, too late to take it back now.

"Then, what, Edward? Making love? Slow, tender, passionate love-making?"

"Preferably. You can set the pace if you'd like."

Tease. Without a body I couldn't do anything.

I wanted to close the lid and recline on the smooth polished surface. I wanted to watch as he removed his shirt button by button until the soft silk slid aside to reveal his lean muscles. I wanted him to climb the few short feet off the ground to where I lay.

I paused in my fantasizing, "you don't let me past second base, why should I believe you?"

"I'd give you anything you wanted. I'd lay the world at your feet if you'd let me."

"I don't want the world."

He blinked sensuously, "what do you want?"

I wanted to see him, graceful and lithe, crawling toward me with a predatory expression on his face. A hungry look of need in his eyes. I wanted him in so many ways, in a variety of places, and… I could never have it.

He seemed to feel my desolation. Closing his eyes he pressed his fisted hands to his face. He had looked so peaceful, I should have left him alone. Maybe I could make things better for him. It was worth a try.

It irked me that even now I was trying to make _him_ feel better. It's what you do for the one you love.

Love? I was still in love with Edward.

Why? Hadn't I caused myself enough pain? What kind of masochistic dependant was I? I couldn't have him so I brought him to me in the kitchen, I couldn't be with him so I spent all of my sleeping hours with him?

"Want to know what I hate?"

"Yes," he yelled. The look of relief on his face eased my guilt. Of course he looked relieved, I needed him to be.

"When you look like that. Keep playing."

He complied immediately and I lost track of time.

I wanted his hands on me, roaming my body. He was so gentle with me despite his immense strength. I wanted that back again. The way he would stare at me as if I were the only thing worth looking at in the world. It had been mortifying at the time, but to just have him see me once…

"Don't leave like that again, please."

Oh god, the pain sliced through me and I couldn't even curl in on myself to ease some of the pressure. I hadn't gone anywhere, but if he couldn't see me, it made sense that he'd thought I left him. If my dreams reversed and he came to me, would I be the one pleading with him to stay? Yes, as much as it hurt to admit.

"Why," I asked slowly, hoping he'd give the right answer. The emptiness eased for a moment in anticipation.

"Why go?"

That wasn't it. It all came crashing back, relentless, merciless. I realized suddenly that I couldn't hear him in the middle of a conversation. All of his attention was riveted on me, or whatever he heard. Despite being able to think of twelve things at once, when he spoke to me all of his energy went into our conversation. That thought softened my tone slightly, at least I hoped it did. "I also hate when you answer questions with questions. It's annoying."

He laughed, "I learned from you."

He laughed at me? Had he _really _just laughed at me? During such a crucial moment when every fiber of my being longed for a different answer. Well, fine, I could play that game.

"Did it irritate you?"

"Greatly."

"Good." I willed myself to wake up. I needed to be awake.

"Tell me something," he said abruptly.

"What?"

"I don't know, something interesting."

What to say? I have a date with Charlie's fishing buddy's son. It's not a real date, though, because I still sleep to see you? No, that wouldn't work. "It's Christmas," I settled for.

"I hadn't realized."

"Time flies, huh?"

He was happy. There was snow on the ground, Christmas cheer everywhere, but he was obviously somewhere secluded. I couldn't imagine Alice not wanting to celebrate. He looked a lot better since the day I saw him in the cave.

You didn't see him, the logical part of me said, you dreamed him. And of course he looked better. You're trying, failing, but trying to get over him, aren't you?

"Creeps is the more appropriate word."

"It's your turn now. You tell me something."

Maybe I would gain insight to what he'd been doing with his time.

"I miss you."

I woke with my arms wrapped around my stomach while lying in a fetal position. Those were the words I had wanted to hear. Like always, no, I corrected, like lately- I jumped into things way before I was ready for them.

Charlie was gone. I wouldn't have to worry about concealing my emotions. I didn't want to worry him, especially not now that he'd started whistling in the house again. This would go away, I just needed time. If I'd started trying to help myself three months ago I might have been normal now. Or as normal as I could be, under the circumstances.

It was time to say goodbye. I went through my morning routine without thinking. I belatedly remembered that it was, in fact, winter, so I bundled up in my old winter coat. I planned on doing a little hiking and I didn't want to ruin Charlie and Renee's present on the first day I wore it.

I reached into the bottom drawer of my desk and grabbed Edward's jacket, the flowers he'd given me, the notes he'd left on my pillow, the CD he had recorded for me. The sketches I would keep. It had more to do with the gorgeous artistry than the artist. I couldn't let the beautiful work crumble to dust. I put the notes in a pocket of the jacket, the CD I stuffed into the interior pocket. I wrapped the flowers carefully in the coat before stepping into the daylight.

It wasn't as cold as I had thought. I was glad now that Edward had shown me where the meadow was. I wouldn't have been able to find it on my own. I set off determined along the forest path and thanked the logical side of myself that had rendered me numb. Maybe it was the damp patches on my pants from where I'd tripped over hidden ice slicks. It didn't matter.

I checked my watch, two hours had passed. I should be there soon. Lucky vampires with their super speed. If they ran over ice, would they skid? Or did they move so quickly that the loss of traction didn't have a chance to occur?

I could see it. Bright and snow-filled, the meadow waited with deceptive serenity.

I took a deep breath and willed myself to cross the border. Just three. Three tiny steps and I'd be inside. I wasn't moving.

"Bella Swan, move your leg. Do it. Now!"

I half-jumped, half-fell into the clearing.

"Jake's right," I muttered, "I am bossy.

Now that I was here, I wanted to turn around and go home. Home, where it was warm and safe and I wasn't alone with memories that could slice me open. There were no trees here to shave inches off the snow. Untouched, pure, it came up to my knees.

_You need to do this_, my rational side said.

"I don't need to do it now."

_Yes, you do. How long are you going to wallow? What happened to the strong and angry Bella?_

"I'm not an angry person. I like peace. Calm, happy, peace."

_Then get this over with so you can find some_.

That was difficult to argue.

I walked to the middle of the meadow and looked at the ground. I don't know why I bothered. There was nothing to find, no trace of Edward left.

I pictured green grass, the sun shining on his skin as he smiled at me. Closing my eyes, I felt him next to me. He had cupped my cheek in his palm, turned my face to his. Warm breath on my skin, the cold of his fingers warming due to my body heat.

I inhaled sharply and could smell him. Power, determination, strength. The masculine, sweet, edgy scent that was all his own mixed with the shampoo and soap he used, a faint scent of cologne that he'd bought because I had said I liked it. It was the cologne that broke me free of the memory.

It lingered on his jacket, pressed to my face, but it had only been two days before I'd asked him not to use it. Almost a year since then, the bottle had still been full last time I checked. I liked him better without it. Anyone could use the cologne, I didn't want to be in a store and confuse him with someone else. No one smelled as good as Edward.

I fell to my knees and rocked back and forth as I hugged his jacket to me. I buried my mouth and nose against the fabric before I dropped everything on the ground. It was then that I screamed. Deep, raw, guttural sounds were torn from me. Over and over, I let loose the torrent of agony, helpless rage, and heartbreak. I screamed until I couldn't anymore.

I didn't have the strength to scatter the flower petals, to let the wind carry his notes away. I leaned back, nearly falling fully onto the ground before I managed to stand. My legs were numb, shaking beneath me, my pants were soaked through. I backed slowly away from the last vestiges I had of Edward before I shut my eyes and ran.

I barely made it to the border of the meadow before I collided with something solid and very cold.

"I'm too late," a voice whispered.

"Alice?" I stared in shock. She looked haggard, there were dark circles under her eyes. None of that compared to the broken expression on her face.

"Hello, Bella," she smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I couldn't get here sooner."

"You're really here?"

"Yes," she sighed. "I should have arrived much earlier, I shouldn't have-"

"It doesn't matter," I hugged her fiercely. "You're here! I missed you so much!"

I didn't want to let her go. It was dangerous for me because she obviously hadn't fed and I didn't know how long it had been, but I couldn't bring myself to care. My best friend. She had always been there to tell me when I was doing something stupid, when I did the right thing. Offering encouragement, support, friendship; I had missed her dreadfully. Almost as much as I missed-

"He's not-"

"Here, no. Alive, yes," she managed to answer both of my questions at once.

"How did you-"

"I saw you. I knew I had to come back. And I'm here for as long as you want me to stay."

"That could be a long time," I let the knot of tension ease.

"I've got plenty of that."

"What's wrong? Is everyone else okay?"

"Everyone is fine, they're in upstate New Jersey."

"Alice, please. What's the matter? Did you travel all the way from New Jersey without hunting?"

"That's part of the reason," she looked at me and the Alice I knew slowly came back. Her face became more animated, her body thrummed with the endless font of energy that I remembered all too well.

"And the other part?"

"I couldn't see…" she broke off and said instead, "I didn't know you were this bad. I should have come sooner. I really am sorry about that."

"I told you, it doesn't matter. Are you staying at the old house or did you want to bunk with Charlie and me for a few days? After you hunt, I mean."

"Whichever is more convenient for you. I don't think Charlie will be as enthusiastic about my return as you are."

"Charlie loves you," I denied. "He won't care, not with all of the food I've made for him."

"Okay then," she grinned, though I noticed it didn't fully reach her eyes. "Want to be warm again?"

"Definitely. And there's no reason to apologize. Ever, okay?"

I couldn't hear her with the wind whistling past my ears, but I could have sworn she said something like, 'you have no idea how sorry I am.'

**Authors Note 2:**

Alice is back!!! Yay!! I wish I knew where she was going with that final statement, but I hope its nothing too dire. I'll let this fic end sadly, if that's the direction I'm forced to take, but I'd prefer it conclude with something on a hopeful, if not happy, note.

Feedback is always appreciated. Constructive criticism, also. Thanks!


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Authors Note:** Twilight and the related characters do not belong to me.

**Authors Note 2: **First, I have to say I'm sorry. Emmett amuses me, but I like the way Edward speaks. I also really love the thought of Edward in leather. What can I say? I have a thing for the bad boys. Motorcycles, a leather jacket, a tongue ring, tattoo's… I'm sold. Unfortunately, the Edward in this story has firmly put his foot down on the whole tattoo and piercing idea. Fine. 'sigh. A girl can dream, though.

**Authors Note 3:** This chapter is more sexual in nature so any younger readers, or people offended by sexual thoughts, stop reading at the chapter break.

**Edward's Point of View**

Jasper had opted out of our excursion. The energy and excitement brought on by the holidays would be his undoing. With Alice gone, he was more tense than usual around humans.

Upon entering a store illuminated with black and red light bulbs, Emmett had handed one of the employees fifty dollars.

"My friend here is in desperate need of a new look. Think you can help?" "Yeah, I guess. What does he need?"

I proceeded to glare into Emmett's back as he pointed to the clothing racks. Leather pants, vests, there were hardly any items sold in this establishment that weren't black and silver.

Emmett stared at the intrigued woman and smiled appreciatively. "Something like that, but for a dude, you know?"

I cringed, the girl was wearing skin-tight leather pants, a vest that exposed a nice portion of her chest, and several arm bands fringed with red. Her nose was pierced, she had two sets of lip-rings, small hoops hung from her right eyebrow, and when she spoke I could see a tongue ring.

"See," Emmett motioned to me, "this pansy fucker needs a bad-ass look, feel me? Help the poor bastard out?"

She started with my shoes, her eyes raising slowly until they came to the tangled mess on my head. "Is he into it?"

"Yeah. Aren't you, Edward?"

"This will help me get Bella?" I raised my eyebrow, I couldn't see how a change in wardrobe would help very much.

"Abso-fucking-lutely. Don't you think… Lalin," he asked, reading her nametag.

"The clothes you wear make you look old," she stated walking around me in a tight circle. "You look like a lawyer or a doctor, something stuffy like that. Follow me."

"Be back in twenty, bro. Buy what she gives you and, please, don't be an ass about it."

"Got a bi thing going on?"

"Beg your pardon?"

"You and the jock, the chick you mentioned before, best of both worlds, huh?"

"I… don't understand." Was she referring to Emmett and I being vampire while Bella was human? There was no way she could have obtained such information.

"Wow," she snorted. "Sheltered, aren't you? I'm talking about a, er, firmer touch. You know, spending time with your girl and then going to find someone a little more capable of handling all of… you?"

I was instantly bombarded with thoughts of me having intercourse with a woman that looked like her while Emmett- "no! Absolutely not! He's a friend, that's all."

"There's nothing wrong with it if you are. I wouldn't, like, look down on you or anything," she removed two pairs of pants from their hangers and handed them to me.

"Assuredly not. What other's sexual orientations are remain their concern. I have no interest in exploring 'the best of both worlds,' to use your words."

"You're not from around here, huh."

"No," I added the shirts she gave me to my growing pile of clothes.

"If you want to wear button-up's like the one you're wearing, don't pick silk, okay? And don't fasten it."

"Okay," I was happy to consent provided she didn't try to force me into one of those shirts comprised entirely of straps.

"You know, not for nothing, but this chick you're trying to impress? Bella, right? If she doesn't like you now, I mean, if what you wear matters more to her than who you are underneath, she isn't worth it."

"I know." Physical appearance had never mattered much to Bella. She treated everyone the same. While I knew that she found me aesthetically pleasing, I had learned that my ability to listen and relate meant more to her then anything else. "I thank you for your concern."

"Concern," she laughed, handing me two leather jackets. "It's not concern, babe. You've got a body built for sex. Just trying to let you know that there are other options, if you get what I'm saying."

"That's, um, very flattering," I tried to find a way to compliment her without sounding like I was encouraging any further seductive ploys. "You must have plenty of callers, I don't see myself as one of your candidates."

"That was the nicest turn down I've ever gotten," she laughed again. "Rejection and flattery, very classy. Do the jackets fit?"

"They seem to, yes." This woman was refreshingly tolerant of my refusal. I could find no bitterness in her thoughts, she'd accepted that I wasn't interested and was content to move on.

"Well, then, it appears my work here is done. I tried to keep things simple. No chaps or stripper vests in that pile," she handed me two boxes of shoes. "Come back if you feel a little more adventurous, okay?"

"Do I need to have any of these tailored?"

"Um, no." She shook her head, amusement on her expression, "we use standard sizes here. I've a pretty good eye. If they don't fit feel free to bring'em back, but I'll bet my next paycheck that you won't have a problem."

"Thank you, then, very much for your assistance. Do you require any further compensation?"

"You're a weird one," she remarked. "Pay up at the register, okay? Your friend paid me more to help you then I'd make in a day. Almost."

"All the same," I handed her a hundred dollar bill. "Thank you for the insight and the clothes."

"I really can't-"

"Sure you can," I looked her directly in the eyes and shrugged noncommittally, "I've monopolized enough of your time. It's the least I can do. I'll be offended if you refuse."

I had seen the frayed hem of her skirt, her heeled boots needed to be replaced. I'd offered only as much as I knew she would take. She was a good person, working hard in order to educate herself. I had more than enough money, why not have others benefit from it?

"Yeah, okay," she tucked the money into her back pocket. "Thanks. Good luck with your Bella-girl."

"Yo, Edward. Lalin. I hope he wasn't too much of an ass." Emmett sauntered into the store carrying a bag labeled 'Victoria's Secret.' Who was Victoria? I wondered if Rosalie would be as receptive as Emmett seemed to think upon receiving a present from a woman.

"No," she grinned in my direction. "He was a perfect gentleman."

"That's what I was afraid of," Emmett groaned. I rolled my eyes and wondered what Rosalie's reaction would be should I tell her of Em's flirtation. I chuckled at the thought and had to help the cashier woman as change went skittering across the countertop.

"Ok, Edward. Spill, man. What'd you do to her?"

I glanced back as we left the store. A very stunned Lalin was staring after us with another fifty dollars in her in hand.

"What did you do?"

"I gave her a little something extra for putting up with your ass for the past half hour."

I smiled, Emmett had just brightened her week. I was grateful that he'd showed such consideration, she would put the money to good use.

"So what'd she get you to buy?"

"Two jackets, a couple pairs of pants, a few shirts," I shrugged. "Didn't really pay much attention."

"Well, I hope that shit works. I feel like a damn girl. Going clothes shopping with you, that shit better stay between us."

I remembered Lalin's assumption and moved a few inches further from him.

"Yeah, that's right," Em laughed. "All I need is the people in Forks hearing about this, thinking I'm some closet weirdo. Oh, hey, feel like gettin' something to eat?"

He pointed at the ceiling and I couldn't help but join his laughter as I saw a squirrel running on a wire above the food court.

"Time to go?"

"_Hell_ yes," he already had his keys in hand. "Race you home, man."

* * *

I stared at myself in my bathroom mirror. The clothes fit as Lalin had promised, but the black leather made me appear even paler. I didn't look too bad, she hadn't changed my style very much. Only the texture of the clothes had changed.

I had two options for footwear, simple black combat boots or a pair of similar looking boots with silver buckles at the front. I opted to wear my leather pants. I may not need to breathe, but I refuse to lose the last vestiges of my pride and masculinity by wearing pants that would expose a certain part of my anatomy to the world.

Lalin had given me three undershirts in black, white, and gray. They weren't as tight as the pants had been, but I wasn't entirely comfortable with the way my abdominal muscles pressed against the fabric. We had tried for so long to blend in with humanity. We had done our best to avoid drawing attention to the differences between them and us. It seemed that these clothes were made to make people stare.

I eased into the leather jacket and wondered how women could find this attractive. I looked even more dangerous, sinister almost. I have to admit that the dark side that lurks within me likes my change in appearance. Isn't that even more reason to put these things back in their bags and return them?

I remembered the first time Bella had seen me wear leather. Her eyes had widened, pupils dilating, and a blush rose from her cheeks, across her chest, and disappeared beneath her shirt. I had to remind her to breathe, I grinned at the memory, and she had drawn breath shakily, speechless.

Bella's sex eyes. That she desired me at that moment was obvious, I could smell her arousal and the lust she felt for me. It was wrong of me to think of seducing her, not when it was her trust I needed before all else, but I couldn't help wanting to see that look on her face again.

My control was pretty secure. Leaving her had been the hardest thing I've ever attempted. If she opened a vein and splattered her blood over the floor, I wouldn't launch myself at her. Well, yes, I'd have to- to prevent her from hitting the floor upon smelling, and seeing, her own blood.

Hardly any venom pooled in my mouth, at least my body had learned the difference between hunger and lust. Parts of my mind still struggled with it, but I had confidence in myself. It was a wonderful thing. I could see myself through Bella's eyes.

Her trust in me had been implicit. She had known I wouldn't harm her, wouldn't loose myself to vampiric madness. I hadn't been able to understand, at the time, how she could treat things so lightly. Losing me had been her only fear. I hated myself for learning the lesson so late. It was cliché, pathetic. I had needed to bring myself to the very edge, being confronted with losing her love, living without her, to know that I could desire her body with no fear of draining her dry.

Trying to convince me to take a step beyond kissing and groping in my car- or her room, my room, sometimes at school- had been one of Bella's top priorities. It had been mine, as well, as I tried to tell her, but her safety meant more to me than a release from the constant sexual frustration being around her caused me.

If I had listened to her in the beginning rather then continue to deny both of us relief perhaps it would have been easier. Smelling her intoxicating scent constantly, knowing when she lusted for me, hearing her pulse quicken, a common occurrence with her; I had left her to feed on many an occasion.

Nights had been torturous. After she fell asleep I had nothing to do but think. Fantasize, all of them revolving around her. Hearing her say my name in her dreams, feeling her move against my side as she moaned softly; I'd nearly destroyed her sheets with how tightly I grasped them in my hands to prevent myself from reaching for her.

Worse still were the nights that she'd climax in my arms because of the intensity of her dreams. She always threw one leg over me, after the pleasure faded. I had to lace my arms behind my head before I gave into temptation. Not necessarily to take her, even, but because with every breath her leg would brush against me lightly sending electricity coursing up my spine. I couldn't perform any acts of self-gratification with her lying peacefully next to me, nor would I be able to remain quiet enough to keep Charlie unaware of my presence.

Okay, so now my mind and body are in perfect synchronization. The ache is fierce, but I refuse to give in. The next time I reach fulfillment will be with Bella. I'll consider it additional motivation. …if I make it that long.

There are only twelve hours before I'll be in Forks… I want nothing more then to climb through her window, pull her against me and promise her, on my knees if necessary, that I'll never leave her side.

Alice comes to mind, ending all lustful thoughts. What am I going to give Bella? Alice had made it clear that a token of my affection was warranted, but I don't know what I can give her to make things better.

Or maybe I do… inspiration struck. Time to get started, only twelve hours left…

**Authors Note 4: **Sorry for the shorter chapter. Edward seemed content to end things there. After leaving me a quivering mess, I might add. Damn him and damn his awesomely hot updated wardrobe. We'll be back in Forks next time I write from his point of view, hopefully.

I'm trying to make it clear that Edward misses her desperately, but that the anticipation of seeing her again, of continuing where they left off… in the hopes that Bella will want that, too… makes him remember certain things.

He knows that the clothes aren't going to help much, but he's willing to take any helpful advice he can get. I tried to emphasize that he knows how difficult it might be to regain her trust. On the other hand, he's been celibate for a Very long time. Seeing as he rarely gave in to his urges, does it make sense that he associates being with her again with sex? As a vampire, his impulse would be to claim her, to take her and make her his again. At least in my opinion. The human side wants to take things slow, which will win out? I don't know. I'm confused. Probably because I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours, haha.

**Thank you, E, for the lovely review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story! I'll keep your enthusiasm for Bella and Edward, not Bella and Jacob in mind. =D **


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Authors Note:** Twilight and the related characters do not belong to me.

**Authors Note 2:** To picture Edward in a leather jacket: And Alice's car- .com/saleen/2006-saleen-s7-twin-turbo/

**Authors Note 3:** Thank you, Larrabee!! I fully intend on finishing this story. And thanks for the note about Jacob. I'll try to rectify that in this chapter. ^_^

**Bella's Point of View**

"So, Alice, not that I need a reason, or want you to think that I'm not ecstatic to have you here-"

"Bella, I know," she laughed. "You've told me plenty of times. It's sort of a difficult subject…"

"Edward?"

I saw her eyebrows twitch, "apparently it's not."

"What about him? Did he find someone new? Has he moved on?"

"Er…"

When she didn't answer right away, I assumed the worst. I gasped and doubled over, Alice caught my shoulders before I fell off the bed and onto the floor. All of the dreams had been a lie. What did I expect?

"Vampire? I mean, she would have to be a vampire like him… or… is she human?"

I felt my carefully established defenses crumble. It would hurt to know that he'd started dating a female vampire, but to hear that he was dating another human? That might just destroy me.

"Bella, no! I'm so sorry, again. You surprised me, is all. It sounded as though you didn't care, that maybe you'd found someone new?"

"I haven't," I sat with my head between my legs slowly trying to remember how to breathe. "Mind explaining before I go into cardiac arrest?"

"So you still care?"

"Obviously," I tried not to glare at her from my current position.

"Good," she beamed. "No, Edward's not involved with anyone. He hasn't had any real contact with females aside from us, you know. He went off on his own for awhile, we're not sure where he went, but when he returned… it's like he's a different person."

"In a good way?"

"Definitely."

"Well… good, I guess. Maybe he got in touch with his inner vampire. Trying to be human must have been taxing for him."

"Stubborn," Alice muttered.

"Where is he now?"

I refrained from asking the millions of other questions I had. What did he look like? Had he been feeding regularly? Had he been upset at all? Did he mention me? Was he still playing the piano?

"Some house of Jasper's in New Jersey. More importantly, however, what have you been doing? How are your grades? Have you applied to college yet? Did anything strange happen over the past few days?"

"Whoa, Alice, one at a time," I laughed, glad that I had kept my line of inquiry silent. "I haven't applied to any schools yet, no. I celebrated Christmas with Charlie and a few friends of his. And what do you mean by strange?"

"Like, near-death experiences or anything? I had visions of you over the past three months. A day or so ago they stopped. You just… disappeared. I thought maybe something had happened. When I got to Forks, I saw you in the meadow. That's how I knew where to find you," her eyes grew sad. "I'm sorry you had to go through that alone."

"Not exactly alone."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… I sort-of made friends with Charlie's fishing buddy's son. His name is Jake. He's really nice, a good friend. We hung out a little and we're supposed to meet up today, later. When you go to hunt again, would you mind if I went to see him for a few hours? I'm sure you want to do some shopping, you didn't bring any clothes."

Alice really had been worried. She hadn't even brought a small bag with something to change into. "Um, sure," she looked hesitant. "I can go and hunt, but I'd really like you to come shopping with me. It's been so long since we've had any real girl-time."

"Shopping? With me? Wouldn't you rather curl up and watch some movies? You did travel a really long way…"

"Come on, Bella, _please_."

I groaned, "don't pout at me. I haven't had a chance to bolster my Alice Cullen Sad Face defense."

I looked at the ground, at my ceiling, but I could see her out of the corner of my eye. She looked so disappointed. With her eyes downcast, one foot sliding aimlessly along the hardwood floor…

"Fine," I sighed. "When do you want to go?"

"Now."

"Now? Now, now?"

"Sure, why not?"

"You just got here! You're not tired?"

"Bella…"

"Alright," I held my hands in front of my eyes so I wouldn't see her heart-breaking puppy-eyes again. "Let me go change and we can, um, hit the town."

Alice raised her eyebrow, "want help with that?"

Two hours later I was dressed in a pair of boot-cut gray jeans, short-heeled and calf-high black boots, and an ocean-colored sweater I hadn't seen in years. Alice opened my make-up kit, that had been sitting idly since she left, and applied a bit of black eye-shadow to the corners of my eyes. She smudged blue and green together over my eyelids and used a black pencil on the base of my lashes.

"Wow," I studied myself in the mirror. Alice had made me look daring and confident. In the past, she'd used neutral colors to enhance my features. Now, it seemed, she was boldly emphasizing them. She stared at me, waiting for my disapproval. "I look… fantastic."

"Really?"

"Yes!" I hugged her, "perfect start to a new beginning. Think you can teach me how to do this?"

"Of course," she smiled widely. "I can do that later, when we get back. I'll show you what colors go with your new outfits."

"Outfits?"

"Of course, Bella. You'll need clothes to go with this new mind-frame. Come on, let's go before you lose it."

"Lose what?"

"The energy," she grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the house.

"Er, Alice? When did you get a car?"

Sitting in my driveway was, possibly, one of the most ostentatious sports cars I'd ever seen. Sleek, polished, a bright shade of blue; so much for avoiding the spotlight. "While you were showering."

"The nearest car rental place is two hours away. And you definitely didn't rent _that_ from there."

"I drive fast," she shrugged, opening the door of her Saleen S7.

There was a new-car smell that made me think Alice had added to her car collection. The seats had obviously never been sat in before. Everything was so _clean_.

I spent the entire ride gripping the seat cushions with my eyes closed. We made the two hour trip into the city in half an hour. That would have been comforting, with my knowledge of her driving, if I hadn't known that she wasn't pushing the car at all. The trip had been easy, we probably could have made it in ten minutes if she exerted a little more pressure on the gas pedal.

Alice blasted Starkillers, She Wants Revenge, and Lords of Acid the entire way. By the time I clambered out of the car, I had a nice adrenaline buzz and plenty of energy from the music.

I heard whistles and cat-calls as Alice linked her arm through mine. She grinned a little and tossed her hair. I, meanwhile, automatically went to hunch over in order to draw attention away from me.

"New mental image, remember?"

"Right," I focused on my high from the drive, squared my shoulders and raised my head.

"Thatta girl," she squeezed my arm. "Where to first?"

"Book store?"

"Noooo…" she pursed her lips. I could see her trying to decide which of the three clothes stores we'd be entering first. "That's so boring. I want to see you in a few outfits before I let you slink away to your books."

"No way," I heard someone mutter. Turning around, I came face to face with Jake. His eyes were wide and I could see him trying to form a sentence as he stared at me.

"Hey, Jake."

"Er, hi, Bells."

I fought a blush. The clothes looked good on me, Alice wouldn't have it any other way, but I didn't think I looked as nice as he seemed to think. He had yet to blink, his throat muscles convulsed as he remembered to breathe and swallow.

"I didn't forget my plans with you, no worries. I just wanted to do some last minute shopping."

"Um, that's fine. No big, right?"

"Jake! Eyes are up here, you know." I could swear he blushed, it would be fitting, we'd match.

"So you're Jacob Black," Alice raised an eyebrow. "I'd say its nice to meet you, but why waste breath?"

"Alice!" I was mortified by her rudeness, I'd never seen her react to anyone that way before. Well, unless they were vampire and trying to kill me, which Jake definitely wasn't.

"You," he growled. The change from embarrassed appreciation to rage was startling. His eyes had instantly gone dark, his lip was curled back in a sneer. Alice, too; her eyes were cold, she was standing way too still, statue Alice again.

I stared at my two friends in horror and shock. What had happened? Did they know one another? What was I missing?

"So the leeches are back in town, huh? I should have known. Things have actually been good, we're overdue for some bad luck."

"Jake, Alice, what the hell's going on?"

The mutually shocked expressions that turned my way would have been funny if not for the tension and hostility. I admit that I'd been cursing more often. Instead of lashing out at people physically, I'd taken to using words to help temper my anger.

"Unfinished business," Jake turned back to Alice. "You keep your dysfunctional little family away from Bella and far away from Forks, you hear me?"

"Free country," Alice snarled. "You don't like us? You stay away."

"Come near my territory and there will be consequences."

"To stoop to your immature level, I'll say; bring it on, bitch."

"No!" I pushed them apart. They'd been gravitating toward one another as though waiting for the other to attack first. "Seriously, what the hell, guys? Jake, I'll see you later. Alice, come on."

I grabbed her arm again, but there's no way to make an angry vampire move if they don't want to come with you.

"Please, Jake," I picked the person most likely to listen to me. Alice would protect me and saw me as a friend, but Jake liked me. "I'll talk to you more later. We still on for our beach excursion?"

"Yeah," he crossed his arms and looked as if he wanted to argue.

"Great," I pasted a huge smile on my face. "I can't wait. It's going to be a lot of fun."

"Er, yea," he inhaled sharply and completely ignored Alice, his full attention rested on me. "It will be fun. Be quick, okay? I don't want to miss out on time with you."

He pulled me into a hug, I didn't refuse because I knew enough about men to know that this was a dominance display. Why he chose now was beyond me. He couldn't possibly be threatened by Alice.

"Later, Bells," Jake sighed. "Later, leech," he said over his shoulder as he walked away.

"Alice…"

"I'm sorry, Bella." Her apology didn't mean much to me seeing as Alice was glowering after Jake's retreating form.

"Don't be sorry," I started to cross the street knowing that she'd keep pace with me. "Explain what that whole display was about?"

"I'd forgotten about Jacob Black. You mentioned him before, but I didn't realize until now how much trouble he can cause you."

"He poses no threat to me," I shook my head. "He's been a friend, that's all. I needed a friend, you know?"

Alice winced, "I know. I wish you had found someone different, though."

"I wasn't really in a position to choose," I answered quietly. "I don't understand why you hate one another. I didn't even know you all had history."

"It's not really history," she paused. "We got into a fight with some of the people in his clan a long time ago. One of them really hurt Emmett, ambushed him, more like. We retaliated."

"They were able to hurt Emmett?"

"Times were different. The clan in La Push knows more about vampires than the rest of the world does. They know how to hurt us. It hasn't happened again, and it wont happen in the future, but the issue was never resolved. If any of them come near one of my family, well, as your friend said, there will be consequences."

"You'll be able to see it, though, right? I mean, there's no chance of them taking all of you. You're vampires, for goodness sake. What harm can they possibly do? And they're human, you don't hurt humans."

"No, we don't feed from humans. There's a difference."

"Well, that's just… comforting."

"We aren't cruel, Bella. We act as any other family would. If someone is threatened, or hurt, we take swift action and deal with the problem. We don't go around torturing humans for fun. In this case, they were the ones to initiate. I wouldn't ask you to choose between us, but I can't pretend to like him."

"That's fair enough." Some of the tension eased. I'd been dreading the moment where Alice would ask me to pick between them. I'd have chosen her, of course, but I was afraid that the decision would change our friendship.

"Before we do anything else, I have to ask you something, ok?"

"Sure, so long as its within reason."

"Be careful around them, okay? Something about them, Jake's people, is strange. I can't always see their future or the outcome for you when you're around them. If you've been spending time with him, that might explain why everything pertaining to you went blank. I don't know why this is, but I don't like it."

"Really? Blank? As in I don't exist?"

"That's one of the reasons I returned. I thought something had happened to you. It wasn't until later that day that I learned I had been wrong. You can imagine my panic."

"Yeah," I nearly doubled over from the pain that lashed through me at the thought of losing Alice forever. It had been awhile that pain this sharp was able to penetrate my defenses. Yes, it still hurt. Yes, it still made it difficult to breathe. I worked at raising my shields; I pictured them rising around my heart and mind. Steel, impenetrable, a few sharp spikes protruding from the more vulnerable areas.

"Just… be careful. You have a penchant for attracting trouble and I don't have any backup."

"I'll try," I promised.

"Good," she beamed. "Ready for shopping?"

"As always," I took a deep breath as Alice opened the doors for me.

Clothing racks stretched from the front of the store all the way to the back. Alice was wasting no time. She already had two blouses thrown over her arm. I longed for a book. I could sit in one of the fitting rooms and read as Alice handed me outfits.

"This is so cute! We need it in a different color, I don't want you looking like some chain-gang refugee," she muttered. "Ma'am? Do you have this in dark purple, dark blue? Green, maybe? Not neon green, something elegant, sophisticated yet sexy. I'm sure you know what I mean. Money isn't an issue, you'll be well compensated for your time."

I watched in stupefaction as nearly every clerk within the store came rushing over. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

"See? That wasn't too bad, right?"

"I didn't pay for _anything_."

"Well, of course not," Alice laughed. "Did you really think I'd let you spend money on the clothes I forced on you?"

"Um, yes, Alice. I assumed that's why you had me bring my gift-cards."

"You'll use them eventually. You bought your books, didn't you?"

"Out of the possible thousand dollars or more you spent today, yes, I bought fifty dollars in books."

"See?"

I groaned, arguing would be futile. Glancing around the car, there was barely any room for us to sit comfortably. Bags were piled nearly to the top of the car. I had managed to arrange them so that there was room for Alice to use the rearview mirror.

"Where are we going?"

"You're meeting Jacob Black, aren't you? I figured I'd stop at my house, you can take the car from there. Leave the bags, I'll unload them later."

"I can't drive this car."

"Why not?"

"It's… celebrities don't have cars this nice. I'm prone to accidents, like you said. What if I crash it?"

"I'll get a new one."

"Alice, really."

"Really," she sighed. "It's fun, I'd say you can have it if you like it, but you'd probably have a seizure."

I felt myself going pale at her instant willingness to hand me a car that cost more than college tuition paid in full.

"Relax," Alice admonished. "I'm not going to sign it over to you. Unless you change your mind. We could have it done by the end of the day…"

"You're so funny."

"Thanks," she replied cheerfully. "Anyway, yea. I know you, promise you'll leave the bags for me to take care of."

"You bought them all, I can at least bring them into the house."

"This car can go from zero to sixty in three seconds, want to see? It can go over two hundred miles an hour, too."

"Okay! Okay! I'll leave the damn bags!"

"That's better," I watched, not breathing, as she eased her foot off the gas pedal. "When did you start cursing so much?"

"I don't."

"You never did before."

"Does it bother you?" I raised an eyebrow in her direction. While Alice didn't swear often, I'd heard her lay into Emmett many times with far from innocent language.

"Of course not. It's another side to the new Bella. I like it."

"Er, thanks, I think."

"Assertive, feisty; what's not to like?"

She pulled up to her old house so quickly I could have sworn we'd go flying through it. The car stopped immediately with barely any pressure applied. I'd have to be careful driving, I couldn't push the pedal to the floor like I did with my truck. I'd end up in another state.

"Going hunting?"

"Yeah, I'll be back before you get back from Jacob Black's, I think. Be careful," she stressed.

"I will, promise."

"I've heard that before," Alice waved as she disappeared.

This would not be difficult. I'd driven cars before, they were all relatively the same, right? Gas to go, brake to stop. Obey the traffic signs and lights, watch the speed-- I nearly crashed through some of the bordering trees as I put the car into reverse.

Ookkaay, I wiped damp palms on my pants. Gripping the steering wheel I took a few relaxing breaths before putting the car into drive. I'd have Jake meet me at my house, I didn't want to drive to La Push, it was further away and I had no confidence in my ability to make it that far.

* * *

I couldn't shake the feeling that I was in trouble. Considering Charlie was nowhere to be seen and I was sitting on a beach with Jake, I tried to restrain my instinct to lash out and get it over with. He'd been silent for most of the hour we'd been hanging out.

He stared out at the water with his jaw clenched and his arms clasped over his legs. Screw it, I thought, if he wanted to be mad I'd go somewhere until he cooled off. I had enough of placating people who didn't share what they were thinking. If he wanted me to pry thoughts from his head, he had another thing coming.

'Now, now, that's not entirely fair, is it?'

I mentally groaned. I may have bolstered my shields, escaped my nightmares, but the inner conscious voice had yet to disappear. I wasn't talking to myself aloud, at least not regularly.

'You shouldn't lash out at Jake. He's been nothing but nice to you. If you cant find the patience to hear his side of things, you shouldn't keep using him as a friend. Friends don't treat one another that way.'

'I know,' I snapped. 'I just don't want him angry at me.'

'Then you should break the silence, huh?'

"Jake? Something wrong?"

"How can you spend time with them? They're leeches, Bella. They take, and take, they don't try to fit in with anyone. They act like they live in their own little world and none of us are good enough to join them. They spend money like life is a game; there's nothing one of the beautiful Cullens can't have. It's so… they're just--"

"It's not like that, Jake. Carlisle helps out in the hospital, he saves people. As to the money they spend, they do good things with it."

"Really? What good did your little friend do with the money she spent on that hot-rod?"

"Everyone's allowed a vice or two. Alice doesn't smoke, she doesn't drink," I tried not to laugh. I really did. "She likes fast cars, what's the harm in that?"

"It's obscene. People around here don't make a fraction of what that car cost. She drives it around, top down, music blasting, rubbing that fact in everyone's face."

"She offered to give it to me, if my truck broke down, I mean. I would never accept, you know, but it was nice of her to-"

"Oh, sure. She can just hand you a five hundred thousand dollar car. What the hell. I don't know why you bother trying to be friends with me. What can I offer you? They can hand you the world and, well, me? I can help you practice your handwriting," he finished with a snort.

"I didn't know you thought of me as a gold-digger."

"What?! No, Bella, that's not what I-- damnit."

I waited in silence as he contained his rage. I could almost see it receding, calm came across his features and his eyes were friendly again, not closed off and stormy as before.

"I hate them. Things were fine, now that they're back everything's going to hell again."

"Why do you say that?"

"The moment you see _him_, you're going to lose it again. That's what I'm afraid of, at least. You've been smiling more, I've seen you laugh. You don't walk around all doubled over, there aren't nail-marks on your arms anymore. I don't want to see you be hurt again because of them."

"Perceptive, aren't you."

"I'm your friend," he replied simply.

"Not all of them are back," I decided to clarify. "Just Alice. So far as I know… the rest of them won't be returning for a long time."

"Well, that's something, I guess. Are you sure about that?"

"No," I admitted. "I just go by what Alice has told me. She wouldn't lie to me."

Jake snorted, I glared.

"Look, I know the two of you aren't going to be all buddy-buddy, but she doesn't attack you verbally in my presence. I'd appreciate if you would issue her the same courtesy."

"She doesn't bad-mouth me and my people?"

"No."

Realizing I was doing the same thing he had been doing; staring at the lake, not acknowledging his presence, I forced myself to meet his eyes.

Instead of rivalry I saw confusion.

"Penny for your thoughts," I offered.

"What did she tell you?"

"Why don't we start with your version of things? Why does your family, and you, hate the Cullens so much?"

"It's a long story."

"I've got time," I grinned remembering a time not so long ago that we had engaged in similar conversation.

"Well, you know they're not welcome in our territory. I don't believe in the folk legends, but rumor has it that a few centuries ago, whatever, one of theirs crossed the line that separates our land from theirs. My ancestors didn't take kindly to that. A fight broke out, one of their ancestors refused to pay the penalty for breaking the treaty and they escaped before we could take disciplinary measures."

"Your people were going to kill one of them?"

"Hey," he replied defensively. "I'm just telling the story as I know it. They broke the treaty first."

"Did anyone happen to ask why?"

"Why what?"

"Why he was there to begin with? Maybe there was some sort of emergency, what if he had nowhere else to go?"

"Doesn't matter, he knew the rules. He broke them."

"Yes, it does. This could all be some huge misunderstanding! The hatred you bear one another could all be for nothing! I mean, imagine if the Cullen ancestor was running for his life. Instead of saying, 'hey, you shouldn't be here. What's wrong?' Your ancestors went 'kill the pale guy, ask questions later?'"

"It's not that simple, Bells," Jake couldn't help but laugh at my rendition of the conversation.

"Why not? It could have been. He'd have said, 'someone's trying to kill me. Someone bigger and badder than me.' Your guys reply, 'really? Well, let's take care of the problem. It's our job as pale guy killers. We'll deal with you later. We never turn down a challenge because we're big manly men.' The Cullen ancestor says, 'great, thanks. That'd be fantastic. We can discuss your problems with me later.' They go hunting, find the big-bad, take him down. The Cullen ancestor owes them a debt, peace reigns."

"You read way too many fairy-tales as a kid, didn't you."

"No, I stayed away from fairy-tales. You know that the real versions don't end happily-ever-after, right?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'll lend you a book."

"What if I just take your word for it?"

"I wont make you read if you promise to at least give Alice a chance. She's a good person if you take the time to get to know her."

"I… don't think that's going to happen," Jake said slowly. "I'll try not to let my dislike for them show, but I don't think friendship is possible."

"Whatever," I sighed. Didn't hurt to try, right?

"Now I've made you sad."

"No, Alice actually said the same thing. She wouldn't make me choose, but she wanted me to be careful."

"There's more danger-- er, sorry," he ducked his head at my fierce expression.

Reaching for my I-pod, I handed it to him knowing he'd want to continue going through my music. I'd added the rest of my I-tunes tracks to it the other night so he'd have more to choose from.

Disturbed's 'Indestructible' played shortly thereafter.

"I can't believe you think I'd compare you to them."

Whoops, had I said that aloud? I hadn't meant for my irritation to be voiced. Especially not in that irate of a tone.

"Beg pardon?" Jake looked as surprised as I felt.

I might as well finish the thought considering it was too late to take it back now. "You think I pick my friends based on their bank accounts and looks?"

"Maybe not bank accounts," Jake grinned and flexed casually. "I'd love to know you choose friends for their appearances. I don't think I'm bad looking."

"Not what I meant, wise guy," I huffed. "I'm not friends with you because of what you bought me. I'm friends with you because you like me for who I am, I like you for the same reasons."

"You like me, huh?"

"Be a little serious, will you? Two seconds is all I'm asking for. I'm talking about something real. You saw me when I was… broken, not entirely together. And instead of running for the hills, you stuck around. You made me laugh, asked me what was happening in my life to cause my mental breakdown. I wasn't kidding when I said you were the first friend I'd had in awhile."

"Some friends you had before," he snorted again.

"See? You set a new standard."

"Thanks," Jake smiled. "You've set a few new standards for me, yourself."

I blushed, I couldn't help it. I really need to learn to think before I speak, I keep reminding myself to do so, but it never pans out that way. I was used to Jake's teasing, it wasn't exactly awkward, but I didn't know what to say, either.

"You have to see where I'm coming from. I don't mean to sound arrogant, I know how hard you've been trying. I admire that, I really do. A week ago, however, you were in bad shape. You looked strained all the time, as though it took effort just to try and smile. Then, at Christmas, I made you laugh. Really laugh. Your entire face lit up, your eyes were bright, you had color in your cheeks. Then you smiled at me, a lot, you laughed more, opened up and talked to me. You accepted my presents without biting my head off, as Charlie warned me you might."

"He did?"

"Yeah, he told me trying to make you take gifts was comparable to waging a small war. You took them, though, and you genuinely seemed to like them."

"I do," I reached for the chain around my neck and showed him that I was wearing his necklace.

Jake looked from the pendant to my face slowly, meaningfully, but he continued speaking before I could think of something to say.

"We talked, listened to music, and now you can mention the Cullens without going pale, without shaking and looking like you're going to come apart. I can't help but think that part of the reason you've come to terms with what happened was because of me. Like I said, I don't want to sound arrogant, but I don't want to lose you back to them without a fight."

"There won't be a fight, Jake. You're my friend now, for good or ill. I help you, you help me, you tolerate my crappy music and pretend you like most of it to spare my feelings. I keep the Nickelback album on my I-pod even though I think some of its wasting space," I laughed. "We hang, we talk, nothing is going to change. Even if they do return, I won't forget how you helped me, okay?"

"Okay," he seemed satisfied. "I'm getting out my I-pod now, time for some real music."

"By all means," I replied, amused.

The first song that played was 'Tears Don't Fall' by Bullet for My Valentine.

"It's not all this emo, I swear."

"No, its cool. I like this song."

"You looked really nice today, you still do, you know. I-" he cleared his throat. "I forgot to tell you before with all that happened. I like that color on you."

"Thanks," I flushed again, but I refrained from hiding behind my hair. Small steps. I was pleased with my progress thus far, I just had to be careful not to slip into my old Self-Conscious Bella Mode.

"The eye makeup, too. Everything, you look really good."

"Um…"

I tried to ignore the unsettling feeling that something was going to happen. It would be unexpected, but I didn't know how to ward it off.

"You do need to gain some weight, you're way too thin. What do you say to getting dinner with me one night?"

"As friends?"

"If it makes you feel better, sure."

"Jake…"

"I could make you happy, you know. I might not be-- never mind, I'd never make you cry."

"I know," I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. I didn't want to hurt him, especially not after saying how much I valued him as a friend.

"I doubt I could make a full Thanksgiving dinner all by myself, but I can definitely pull off dinner and dessert."

Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' started playing. I couldn't help but giggle.

"Damnit, Leah," Jake muttered. "She borrows my I-pod now and then, I always have to clear her stuff out afterward."

"Not a fan of Lady Gaga's, I take it?"

"Are you?"

"Not really," I shrugged. "Its not that bad, but I prefer, um, less mainstream songs."

"And lyrics that make sense?"

"That too," I chuckled reaching for his I-pod. "There's a _lot _of Lady Gaga on here."

"Really?" Jake looked over my shoulder and swore. "She thinks its funny or something, I don't know. I made the mistake of telling her I had all my music stored on my computer. I was trying to be nice, she seemed upset when some of my songs were deleted."

"Its okay, really. If you're a fan, no need to be ashamed. I understand. You probably love the disco stick song."

"Ha ha," he replied drolly. "You think you're hilarious, huh?"

"Jake…" I warned, I could see the challenge light his face.

"You _do_ owe me a dance. Her music might be awful, but it has a good beat."

"I don't dance."

"Sure you do, everyone does when they're alone and a good song comes on."

"I bop my head."

"So? Come on, dance with me. If we're going to listen to this crap, we might as have some fun."

He pulled me to my feet effortlessly.

"It looks like its Lady Gaga, Evanescence, Disturbed, Cobra Starship, and Cascada. Can't really dance to Evanescence, too depressing. We can rock out to Disturbed, if that's better? You can head bop away."

I had a mental image of me thrashing to Disturbed, hitting him, possibly having a head collision which would lead to a hospital trip due to matching concussions, I barely held back the shudder of humiliation.

"This is fine."

"Ready? Let's have some fun, this beat is sick."

Ignoring most of the lyrics I listened to the beat and kept distance between him and I. I kept my eyes closed so I wouldn't have the memory of looking like an ass.

"You really don't dance," he laughed. My eyes snapped open and I saw him staring at me with a bemused expression. I immediately stilled while trying not to flay him alive with my death glare.

"You could knock'em dead if you'd loosen up."

He placed his hands on my hips, careful to maintain the distance I'd established. We danced that way for a few moments, my eyes were closed again. I focused on how he was moving me to the beat and I tried to follow his lead as best I could.

"Okay, how about this? I do a set of moves, you imitate me."

"Sounds good," I agreed. I could learn to dance. I wouldn't feel strange with him touching me and I'd have a set routine to follow. All I had to do was copy him, that wouldn't be too difficult, right?

He restarted the song and faced me. Keeping his body straight, he moved his left foot out and then returned to his original position. Repeating the move with his other foot, he threw in a hand motion that made his hips shake.

"I'm taking a girl's stance, alright? I don't look this poofy, usually."

"Sure," I copied the four moves with minimal embarrassment.

"That's what I'm talking about," he praised. "Once more like this and you'll be ready to branch out on your own."

"If you think so," I replied doubtfully.

He jumped up and down, shaking his shoulders in order to relax.

"I take it I'm not supposed to do that?"

"You can if you want, it helps."

"Er…"

"Later, it'll come naturally later. We'll be able to hit a dance club before the night's through, I swear."

He repeated the movements, but this time he moved the rest of his body so his dancing was more fluid. With a few arm motions he managed to look graceful and sensual. I'd probably look like a robot.

"Your turn."

I closed my eyes again and did my best to duplicate what he'd done.

"Time to step it up, you ready? Just follow what I do. Stay relaxed, this isn't a test or anything. Do what feels right."

He took one of my hands in his, the other he rested on my waist. It felt as though we were going to waltz or something. I didn't know how to do that, either, I wanted to laugh. This whole situation was so absurd.

"Paparazzi, this is a good song for this."

He applied a small bit of pressure on my right arm and I stepped back with my right foot. He smiled and I knew that's what he wanted. Another spot of pressure on the opposite side of my right arm and I took a step forward. He pressed in on my waist and I moved to the right.

"Very nice," he complimented. "Now move, you lead me."

I made it through four steps before I faltered. Jake was quick to take over and forced me away from him without letting go of my hand. He twirled me in a circle and I found myself laughing as the world spun. Catching me, he moved me against his body.

There was still an impersonal feel, as though he were still teaching me. His brow was quirked in a challenge and I found my spirit rising to meet it. He wasn't trying to seduce me, it was as he'd said. A dance lesson and fun.

I tripped on his feet once or twice, but he rebounded easily and kept us from toppling to the ground. This was much easier than I thought it would have been. School dances put so much pressure on the whole dancing aspect. All of the girls tried to outdo the others when it came to sexy dance moves, they made it an obscene race to see who could perform the dirtiest moves first.

This was much different. I was able to let my body move on its own without feeling as though I were being judged. If I tripped or stepped on Jake, he'd laugh about it good-naturedly. He stepped on my foot once and we both shrugged it off. Sand didn't make for the most stable dance floor.

It was during Poker Face that my ankle collided with his. My foot intersected his and to prevent from fully stepping on me, Jake lurched to the side. He forgot to let me go and we both fell sideways. I fell flat on my back, but Jake caught himself on his knees.

Raising an eyebrow at me he framed his face with his hands and danced on his knees. I rested my head on my arm and watched him. He was very good at dancing, his movements were precise yet improvisational. His sense of humor showed through his moves, yet he managed to look sinuous despite his muscle and height.

"I'll get him hot, show him what I got," he sang while rocking his hips suggestively. "What do you think, Bells? Think my moves would make him hot?"

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. He offered me a hand, but I declined. I was enjoying just watching. He punched the air three times and moved his legs, he was dancing in a purely masculine way, he'd given up on taking the girl's role.

"Show me your teeth," I heard.

"Meh," Jake made a face. "I hate this song. Do you mind if I change it?"

"Not at all, I've only heard the songs they play on the radio. I don't know her full album."

"Good," he laughed. "It doesn't get any better, at any rate. Cascada's up."

He pulled me up again and we danced a little more. We were both getting tired, I'd heard that dancing was a good way to exercise. They were right, my body felt the fatigue and I found myself leaning on Jake more and more as the songs played.

"I don't want to make the good girls go bad," he laughed. "I like'em good."

"Glad to hear it?"

"You should be."

He looked down at me for a moment, I had one hand on his shoulder and I was probably pale again. The sun was going down, we were both laughing, dancing to I-Pod music on a beach. I should have known. I should have heeded the signs.

Jake kissed me. His tongue traced my bottom lip and I tried to turn my head, but he did the same so our noses didn't touch. I opened my mouth to tell him to stop… it was then that his tongue was in my mouth. He ran his hand up my neck to the back of my head and tipped my face further to the side.

I clutched his shoulder to keep from falling and he groaned low in his throat. Wrapping his arm around my waist he moved us to the song.

"Jake," I managed to say.

"Hell yes."

I bit his lip accidentally while trying to move backwards and I felt him smile. He was kissing me as though he were dying, in need of oxygen but not willing to come up for air.

"Jake," I pushed at his chest and he finally took a step backwards.

"I'm… sorry."

I sat back on the ground, one hand against my mouth. What the hell had just happened? I stared at him hoping my imagination was running away with me again.

"I'm sorry, Bells," he said again. "Got carried away, the music, the sunset, you know… are you, um, mad?"

"No…" I didn't know how to feel. I wasn't angry with him, I was disappointed in myself for not being able to return his affection. He was handsome, strong. Jake wanted to protect me, see to my happiness, but something was wrong. I wanted him to be happy, too, but not in the same way. He was so caring and passionate, I used to be the same way. It was too soon for me to return such intense feelings, I'd tried to tell him, hadn't I? Had I mixed my signals? I probably shouldn't have danced with him, I shouldn't have gotten so close to him.

"Talk to me, Bella. Don't get all withdrawn and quiet again," his voice was soft and his eyes pleaded with me not to shut him out.

"Shock," was all I managed to say.

"I know, I know. I shouldn't have done that. Too soon, right? I'm sorry."

"Um, no, I just- and you- I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for? I was the son of a bitch pawing at you when you made it obvious you don't feel the same way," I could see the anger he was trying to hide, but I knew it wasn't directed at me. Couldn't he see that it was my fault? I was leading him on without even knowing it.

"Don't hate me," I wanted to hug him, but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea again. "I'm trying, I want to like you… you're such a good person… I just…"

"No need to explain," he half-grinned. "I'll stop pushing, promise. We're friends first, right? Before anything else, if nothing else, I definitely want to be your friend."

He gathered the I-Pods and put my speaker set together.

"It's really late, Charlie's probably going to be worried. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure," I agreed. "We're okay, right?"

"Right as rain," he smiled. "Don't forget, I'm taking you to get food soon. You need to eat more."

As we reached my truck, I hadn't seen any point in making Jacob drive all the way to get me just to drive back. I'd taken a short detour to drop Alice's car off at my house before switching vehicles. The truck seemed ancient in comparison, but at least I knew how to drive it.

"Okay," I studied him carefully to assess his emotions. He didn't seem disappointed or upset at all. How he was able to switch so easily made me envy him. Maybe it was a guy thing, Edward had been able to do the same thing.

I hugged him goodbye and hid the tears that wanted to fall. Edward had left _me_. I should be able to move on. For all of the progress I thought I'd made, it obviously wasn't very much. I had a guy who would be willing to compromise, I could trust him. He wouldn't ever intentionally make me cry. Jake was funny, a great friend, surely I could find a way to start a relationship with him.

Deep down I knew it wouldn't happen. I still loved Edward. I didn't feel the same spark of passion, my blood didn't boil with Jake. I didn't feel that loss of control and anticipatory tension that was always present when Edward kissed me, before he kissed me, after we kissed. Nothing like that had happened with Jake.

Was I so dysfunctional that I couldn't be in a healthy relationship? Must I continue to cause myself pain?

I managed to smile and wave at him as I drove away from the beach. Once I reached the main highway I pulled over and buried my face in my hands. I wasn't going to cry. I needed a minute to regroup, to think things over.

What was I going to do?

Edward was gone, he wasn't coming back. Why was I waiting for him to reappear?

'Let go of the fantasy, Isabella. Face the facts. What would you do if he were here?'

'I don't know.'

'Then why cause yourself such pain? Why not face the future instead of constantly looking to the past?'

'I don't know,' I snarled again.

'There, that's what you need. Embrace the anger. Find your center and determination.'

I followed my instructions and felt warmth return. Had I been cold? If Edward were here, I'd confront him so I'd be able to move on. I'd be able to scream at him, to rage at him, to pull him close and deliver one last searing kiss goodbye.

'To hell with this,' I growled. Take each day one at a time. Jake would retreat a little, I could regain my footing and maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to develop feelings for him. If not, well, I'd still have a friend…

**Authors Note: **Well, that definitely took an odd turn. See, I don't plan any of my chapters out. I can't outline because as the story develops- most of my outline goes to hell. I gave up on it. So whatever's written is spur of the moment, finger-trying-to-keep-up-with-my-thoughts kind of typing. Hence why my grammar is so bad. My apologies. I hope you still like the story… not sure where its going at all, at this point, but there's still progress.

I was worried at the beginning of the chapter. I wouldn't be surprised if sometime soon I go back and delete some of it. I'm not really feeling parts of the beginning, it feels off somehow. As soon as I figure out why, I'll rectify things. J

**Authors Note**: I really am not a fan of Lady Gaga, but the song was playing as I was writing. It was really good energy. I needed something sort of dirty, kind of sweet, nonsensical, with a good beat for Jake and Bella to dance too. Something they wouldn't take too seriously. Lady Gaga and Cobra Starship fit. I'm more of a Slipknot, Atreyu, In Flames type of person, but I don't see Bella listening to that anytime soon. Ah well, I'll work with what I have, I guess.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

**Authors Note: **The twilight series and any related characters do not belong to me

**Authors Note 2: **Another lemon warning, more descriptive than the others, for the latter part of this chapter. Sorry for anyone who finds scenes like that offensive.

**Edward's Point of View**

I was back in Forks. I'd already taken two mountain lions as a welcome present to myself. I had no need to familiarize myself with the area, I could remember everything with perfect clarity. We rarely shopped for home goods in the town. Alice had discovered the wonders of online shopping a few years ago and had yet to give up on the trend.

The School; many hours had been spent in bored agony re-learning facts I had committed to memory centuries ago. All of that changed when I met Bella Swan. She gave me a new perspective on subjects I hadn't bothered to pay attention to. With mind reading, were one of the professor's to ask me a question, I could quickly procure the answer.

Forks Hospital; I hadn't volunteered to work there yet. In another few months I'd have to. With Carlisle taking me as an intern, we would be able to stay for another few years. Jasper was too old to be an intern, Emmett had subbed for me once or twice in the course of our 'lifetimes,' but people seemed to accept my presence more readily than they did his.

I had never minded. My tolerance for people grew, I was able to retain the link to my humanity by helping others. The most difficult part for me was allowing good people to pass. I'd seen criminals and vagabonds live to see elderly years. A mother, surrounded by her family, with a great capacity for love lying on one of the cots, wasting away, I didn't see the point.

I refrained from going near Bella's house. Nothing good would come of that. I didn't trust my self-control enough to prevent myself from entering, falling to my knees, and offering penance for my abominable actions.

I could smell her all throughout the town. Faint traces of her here and there, nothing substantial, however.

It was only five o'clock, what was I going to do for the next eight hours?

Unlocking the Volvo, I fiddled with the radio stations while trying to decide how to pass time. I might as well head for home, Esme could use help with unpacking, if she hadn't finished already.

"Yo, Edward, how's it hangin,' man?"

"Mike," I acknowledged, rolling down my car's window.

"Back from break, huh?"

"Yes." And with that I had an excuse. I'd heard a few rumors surrounding our disappearance, but in small towns all gossip was to be taken with a grain of salt. Only the people with whom the rumor concerned were able to set the story straight.

"Talkative as always, I see," he grinned.

"Er…" When had I ever sought him out for conversation?

"Yeah, I get the hint. See ya 'round, alright?"

"Sure, take care…"

As he walked past me I caught a few of his thoughts. Generally, I try to stay out of people's minds. What lurks in the murky recesses of human consciousness often confuses and horrifies me. Definitely horror this time. I saw memories of Bella; wan, way too thin, she sat at the lunch-table in school staring into the distance. She didn't respond when someone spoke to her and she never seemed to eat anything. I could sense the worry and compassion Mike felt for her, disgust that she'd fallen into such a state, and a small bit of jealousy that someone other than him had provoked such a deep response in her.

I ignored the last, I was used to the male portion of the student body having impure thoughts regarding Bella. I didn't like it, and if any of them tried to make fantasy reality, I'd retaliate, but I couldn't necessarily blame them for being interested.

Feeling my stare, Mike faced me once again, "go see Bella, man. I don't know what happened between the two of you, but she's not doing too well. Did you guys fight or something?"

"Something like that," I tried to keep my facial expression normal. I didn't want him to see the agony tearing through me as his memories flashed before my eyes.

"Well, whatever happened, its not worth it. You could have told her, you know."

"Told her what?"

"That you'd be back. It wasn't cool of you to just pick up and go. The two of you hang all over one another, making me sick with all of the pda, and then you up and leave her?"

"It's a little more complicated than that."

"Yeah, whatever," apparently my tone had made him angry. "Go tell her that."

I could see a progression; Bella right after I left to Bella recently.

I studied and compared the images as I drove. She looked so fragile, I could see how pale she'd gotten. Her skin was almost as white as mine, little blue veins were all too visible along her hands, her arms, along the expanse of her chest. She walked around in a daze, more coordinated than usual because she used most of her energy to put one foot in front of the other. I could see the effort it took her to merely exist, in Mike's head.

As the weeks passed, school break occurred and he saw her at work only. She was hunched over, holding her midsection, lost to her thoughts until a customer gained her attention. I saw, as Mike watched, her look up blearily, pointed the woman in the right direction before rubbing at her eyes blearily. Bella looked at me, Mike, and I nearly started shaking with how dead her eyes appeared.

All of the joy, the light and happiness, her curiosity for everything; her intelligence, the warmth and compassion she felt for people… all of it was gone. In its place was pain; dark, raw, it was changing her. I had done that to her?

I needed to see her. I had to know if the images I saw were true. Perhaps Mike had over-exaggerated. That couldn't possibly be the Bella I knew.

It was too early. Alice had warned me, direly, of the consequences regarding my return should Bella not have warning. I couldn't very well go knock on her door or visit her at work. If I were to treat Mike as a reliable source, I definitely needed to take things slowly. No sudden intrusions or rash behavior, I wondered if Jasper's battle strategies applied to matters of romance and heartbreak as well as on the field?

No, this wasn't a battle. This was a surrender. I'd see her tomorrow, at school. Jasper and Rosalie wouldn't be attending school, Bella wouldn't see them anytime soon. Emmett, I knew, wanted to make a dramatic re-entry and, therefore, wouldn't be in class for two days. That left Alice, of which Bella was already aware.

"Edward, think fast!" I barely caught the white recliner that Emmett had hurled at my face.

"If that had hit my car…"

"Good reflexes," he smirked.

I settled the weight in one arm and flipped him off with the other.

"Sorry, Esme," I didn't meet her eyes as I grabbed the cushions out of the moving truck.

"Yeah, yeah," she mocked us. "Thanks for showing up."

"Too busy tracing Bella around town," Jasper grabbed the table I'd balanced on top of the recliner. Vampire strength, speed, and balance are wonderful things. Humans would take days unpacking items for their new home. It took us less than an hour.

And it was easy. The furniture hadn't changed much over the years. The pieces that came with us, that is. Alice will buy more, of that no one had any doubt; she likes taking the old and making it new. We always brought a few things from each house. I loved Alice re-decorating, but it was nice to have something familiar throughout the years. Each item had memories, and when you have nothing left but time, each material possession becomes that much more meaningful.

Forks felt like home. It was also the first place we'd returned to so quickly. There were usually eighty year blocks before we could even think of settling into a previous place. We hadn't needed to thus far, none of us were that old.

Bella really had no conception of what life was like before her. An endless succession of places, new people that we'd leave and forget about within a year. Being the 'new kids' in at least fifty schools, and more to come. Penmanship, religion, latin, grammar, geography, calculus, biology, physical education; we'd taken them a hundred times. Faces blend into one another, whispers are the same as screams.

There's no color worth seeing unless its in a purely naturalistic light. No one left an impact; they were amusing, often irritating, confusing individuals that, in other circumstances, could be food. It took one teenage girl in an obscure town to show me all that I'd been missing. She showed me how cold and jaded I'd become, how far from humanity I'd gotten despite the human veneer we all wore.

And she was here. I could be at her side within seconds if I pushed myself.

"Edward, don't you dare," Alice's voice rang loudly into my ear.

"How's the girl time going?"

"Not bad, if you don't screw things up," she glared at me from where she was perching on the back of the couch. No wonder her voice had been so loud, all she had to do was lean over, direct contact with my ear canal.

"She doesn't have to see me…" I rolled into a sitting position surprised to see how much time had passed.

"I saw you before. Only eight hours, my ass. Forty if you're lucky, I haven't told her you were planning to return, let alone that you're here."

"I thought that was the point of your excursion. You were going to tell her I'm here, she sees me, I try to win her back. What were you…"

"Look," I inched back from the finger she shoved into my chest, "if you hadn't left, like an ass, you wouldn't have to be waiting, would you? And if you had just talked to her, instead of leading her out into those woods, I wouldn't have to be adjusting things now, would I? So, if I say I need more time, you sit back, let me work… to fix things for _you_, might I add, and you say…"

"Um…" I'd learned three things about Alice over the years. The three most vital pieces of knowledge and survival over the centuries had never steered me wrong. I'd pushed the boundaries of one and completely destroyed the last two.

Never presume to know better than Alice- she will be right no matter how I tried to prove otherwise. The more sentences she manages to fit into a speech, the more angry she will be at the end of said speech. And, finally, the most important rule, if Alice warns you about something, and you proceed to do otherwise, which results in her having to remedy things in your favor-- and you havent bought a present befitting a sultan for her, avoidance is key.

"Edward?"

"Er… 'yes, Alice?'"

"That's right," she took a deep angry breath. "Bella's fine, unless there's mention of you without her initiating it. I was angry with you earlier, I had to partially deceive her to learn how she truly still feels about you. I don't like lying to my friends."

"Alice, every time you took her shopping, or out, you would lie to her."

"That's different," she looked down her nose at me. "That was in her best interest, it wasn't _lying_ to her if I knew she'd have a good time. Manipulating a question to force an emotional reaction from her, however, is, and you made me do it."

"I'm sorry, Ali. If I may, what was the question?"

She glared at me, crossing her arms, before she huffed and looked toward one of the windows. "I hinted that you may have found someone else. The way she was talking about you, as if she'd already made peace with the fact that you weren't coming back, it worried me. Humans are amazingly resolute creatures; they can survive almost any emotional pain provided they have the strength to move on. Bella definitely does, but you scarred her, Edward. She's really trying to get over you, but there's still a part of her, a very deep part, that is trying to hold on to what she had with you. I don't think its too late, but it could be if you don't do things wisely."

"You have my deepest apologies…"

"Yeah, save it, okay? Bide time, wait it out. Tomorrow will be soon enough, I think. If I need more time, you're going to have to deal with that, understand?"

"Sure," the thought occurred to me, "if you're here, where is she?"

"Out with friends," Alice replied shortly.

'Orange and yellow and white, like a sunrise. White furniture, a dark orange carpet, that would look amazing in here with the big windows.'

"You're lying to me," I tried not to growl. What was she hiding?

"No, I'm not," she glared again. "Bella is out with a friend, not that its any business of yours."

'My room's going to be purple. I love that color, its so bright and cheery, inviting. Jas won't mind, I'll…'

"Alice, please. Why are you blocking me?"

"It's rude to intrude into other's personal thoughts, you know."

"You hear thoughts, feel emotions; you see our future… how is that different?"

"I'm doing _you_ the favor, darling brother of mine. I make the rules." she grinned wickedly. "Now, go do something to occupy your time. I'm headed back to Bella's. Stay out of sight, you hear me? And wait for me before you go to school."

"Okay, Alice," I groaned. "I do nothing without your approval."

"That's more like it," she jumped off the couch. "Ta!"

I heard Alice's new car roar to life. I'd have to race her one day, my car wouldn't have a problem keeping up, I had no doubt about that. The odds were in Alice's favor; the car was newer, faster, but I was very good at racing. Emmett had won, once, in all the years we've lived together. His jeep can go off-road, I love the Volvo, but its not made for traversing rough terrain for long periods of time.

What was I doing? Thinking about car makes and models when I had other, much more important aspects to focus on. I could go hunting. I could go driving. I could buy myself a new car. I could compose… no, I didn't feel like playing the piano. I wanted movement, the feeling of doing something productive that was more mobile.

I leaned back and closed my eyes; an idea would come to me. I just needed a few minutes to go through the options. Cars were definitely out, I'd drive to Bella's instinctively.

'And that's so bad?'

"Yes, yes it would be," I replied.

'You're no fun.'

"I want to see you, but…"

I stared as she materialized in front of me. She looked just as surprised. Raising her hand to her face, turning her head from side to side, she stomped one foot, then the other.

'It's about time,' she groused.

"What? I- what?"

'I've never seen you truly surprised,' she giggled. 'Your eyes are so wide!'

"You're--"

'I've always been here, Edward. You just couldn't see me before. Hell, I couldn't see me. It was damn irritating. Thanks for fixing it.'

A new Bella. I'd seen her sad, heartbroken, scared of me, playful, but this edge of anger and fire had been lacking. It made my blood run hot. The vampire in me wanted to claim her, to reach out and have her on the sofa before she could escape. Perhaps it was a one-time occurrence, after today she'd go back to being a voice and nothing more.

'You have the control, not me. I don't know how any of this works. Do you call me? Do I want to see you so badly that I make all of this us? It could be a dream, but you don't sleep.'

"This is… insane."

'I agree, think we're both mad? Its not such a bad state, you know. If being crazy means that I see you, well, lock me up, give me a straight-jacket. I've tried fighting it, I'm tired. I've decided to just go with it. Just don't appear out of nowhere, okay? Give me a little warning. I don't want to see you in my kitchen or anywhere else I'm not sleeping.'

"Er… okay…" I was willing to abide by whatever guidelines she set so long as she didn't leave.

'So it occurs to me that there are a plethora of things we could be doing instead of talking now that I have a body.'

"Oh?" I rested my back against the couch's inner arm and angled my body toward her.

'I've kept up with you when you decided to vampire speed run, I've followed you to places I wouldn't be able to survive as a human. You won't hurt me, so why not make the best of things? You don't have to be in control the whole time, isn't it an easy solution?'

"In a way…"

'And you still have doubts,' she raised her eyebrow at me.

She rested one leg on the back of the couch, the other was flat on the floor. Maintaining eye-contact with me the whole time, she settled one hand on the waist of her jeans, the other she propped behind her head.

'It's so nice to be able to _move_. You have no idea how disorienting it was being disembodied.' She lifted her hips slightly, I felt venom slide down my throat. Just a few inches, her thighs were parted, she was barely two inches away from me. If I reached out even slightly I'd be able to touch the silky expanse of her stomach revealed by the way her shirt had bunched up behind her.

Her eyes darkened when I growled low in my chest, I watched her lick her lips, bite her lip. I reached for a pillow, placed it in front of me, and clenched my hands around it. This felt so real, but I couldn't smell her at all. No strawberries, flowers, Bella; nothing.

"Bella…"

'Edward,' she tipped her neck to the side and moved her long silky hair out of the way. 'What are you waiting for?'

Every dream, every fantasy, I'd longed for this moment. Bella open, inviting, arousal and lust in her eyes, throat exposed as she lay prone before me.

'We're almost out of time,' she sighed. 'You waited too long.'

"For what I'd planned, we definitely wouldn't have had enough time."

I saw her shiver, her skin flushed and made me groan. Would she be hot to the touch? Would I feel nothing? Would my hand go through her, that was a ghastly thought.

Was I truly entertaining thoughts of taking phantom Bella on the living room couch; a fantastical apparition? Was I so depraved that I couldn't wait for the real thing? I had somehow made her corporeal, in a way, and I was about to break another promise.

'You want to prove something to me, Edward?'

She moved incredibly fast; one second she was trailing her fingers across her stomach, the next she was straddling my lap. The pillow landed next to me on the floor. I hissed as she grabbed my hair roughly and made me stare into her face. Her beautiful face; red lips, a blush on her cheeks, dangerous anger and lust in her eyes.

'I've always wanted this. There's nothing depraved or deplorable about showing someone, physically, how much you care for them. I wanted you, I still want you. Your hands on me, your tongue,' she rocked her hips against mine and yes, she was warm to the touch, I was burning under her ministrations. 'The way you inhale when I'm near you, as though you're drinking me in. Don't you know that's a much more intimate act? Compared to a kiss, its one of the most personal things you could do.'

She let go of my hair, I missed the pleasurable pain. Twining her fingers into my shirt, she used me as leverage to shift into a position that brought me closer to her.

'You take my essence into your body. You were right, I used to do the same thing. Your scent drew me in, I took it into my body and let you fill all of the empty places within me. It was a connection that ran deeper than sex, any sexual act we could do wouldn't compare to the feeling of having you, the real you, inside of me, in that way.'

"I-"

'No, no words,' she snarled. 'Always talking, no action. So, like I said before- you want to prove something to me? No more words. Show me, come to me and make it real.'

"Is that really what you want?"

'What do you think,' she whispered against my throat. 'If you do decide to return to me, there _will _be changes. I'm not a placid little human anymore, I know what I want. If you're not able to comply with my somewhat negotiable factors, don't waste our time. I want you, all of you, no holding back. Is that something you're willing to agree with me upon?'

'Bella…'

She licked across my pulse-point and electricity ran down my spine. I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her close.

'Yes or no?'

"I-"

'Wrong answer,' she bit deeply into my neck and I lost control. I thrust against her and was spurred on my her moan of delight. She hadn't let go, I wasn't bleeding, but she was worrying the skin with her sharp little teeth. She wouldn't be able to break my skin, at least I don't think it would be possible, but I wanted her to. I wanted her to tear out a vein and make me hers.

She could cut into my chest, expose my heart, I'd sit back and let her so she'd know it was hers.

I couldn't help but writhe underneath her, there is no place more sensitive for a vampire than the throat. She was torturing me with slight flashes of pain; was I growling, groaning? I had no idea, the world had faded away.

It was Bella and I, alone. Her slight weight against me, far too many clothes between us.

'Yes or no?'

"Yes, yes, god, yes," she bit down harder, her teeth nearly connected. I almost gave in to the temptation of orgasm. Only Bella. Only she would be able to bring this reaction from me with no further contact.

'Good,' she stood with shaky legs and stared down at me. The reaction I couldn't hide, whatever expression was on my face; I was hiding nothing from her. I reached for her and she moved out of arm's length. I snarled quietly; she'd had her turn. Now it was mine.

I'd trap her underneath me, work my way down her body. Nothing was holding me back, I'd work my way, slowly, down her body until she begged me for more. She wanted to feel me? My touch, my tongue, I'd make her scream my name. My body was clamoring for hers, I needed her so badly that I scared myself back into a semblance of normalcy.

'Come with me.'

I stared at her, amused. 'I'm going to need a human moment."

'What?'

"I am still a guy, vampire though I may be."

Walking was out of the question, at least for the next few minutes. I was panting, though the hunger was in check. I didn't want blood. I wanted her. Wet, warm, looking down at me with intense dark mahogany eyes, hands clawing my back, my hair. I wanted to see the look on her face as the pressure grew, built, and broke.

Would her eyes open or close? Would she arch her back or bring me closer? Would she be quiet or would the house hear me claim her?

'Action,' she grinned. 'I like it.'

The driving need passed to a fierce ache. I was, however, fully in control again. Almost.

'You know where to find me,' she looked up at me from half-lidded eyes and I barely restrained myself from taking my pleasure in front of her. What would her reaction be? Would she be alarmed? Aroused? Would she help?

'This is it,' she sighed. 'We've got maybe ten seconds, at most.'

"I thought we were in charge of this?"

She shrugged and dropped to her knees in front of me. My eyes nearly left my skull. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to pull her to her feet, take her up to my room, and never let her go. I was fixed in place.

She nudged my legs apart and I think I whimpered. Was she- was I- what was… and then her breath, hot against my stomach, her hands resting on my thighs. Her hair was tucked behind her ears giving me full view of what she was going to do. I wanted to stop her, protest that she didn't need to debase herself for me, but the words caught in my throat. She rubbed her cheek against the front of my jeans and I couldn't help jolting.

'Will you give me what I want?'

A veritable seductress. Innocence and fire, passion, anger, love. I was inebriated on the emotions, the sensations. She seemed so sure, who was I to enforce restrictions that didn't need to exist? If she wanted this, and I wanted this, what wrong was there?

'Exactly,' she purred, scratching at the zipper of my pants. 'I'll be having some alone time later tonight, show me what you want. Come to me then.'

"Yes, anything you want," I breathed. I went to touch her and she disappeared.

I remained stationary. Mind over matter? I closed my eyes and tried to think of other things. Not the way Bella had chewed on her lip while kneeling in front of me. Not the way she had posed so seductively for me. Not on the way she felt rocking her hips against me, so close and not enough. I certainly wasn't focused on the exquisite agony her fingernails had caused while…

Damn denim. Thick, hardy, restricting; why people chose this fabric over others, I'll never understand. My tailored dress slacks would have enabled me to feel her fully. They were soft, roomy-- there, back to normal.

What time was it? Almost eleven. Time to hunt and prepare things for the coming morning. I couldn't help myself from searching the couch and room for signs that she'd truly been here. No scent, no impressions on the couch cushions; had I imagined everything?

Did it matter?

* * *

I was at Bella's window. Running with no direction had been a bad idea. I'd nearly crashed through her living room wall. It had seemed like a good idea. A way to relieve tension, so to speak. I turned my mind off and ran; not from anything this time, but towards… what? Well, Bella's house, it seemed. Home. Home with her.

Charlie was fast asleep and dreaming of saving hostages single-handedly, Alice was nowhere to be seen. Bella was sleeping, it was nearly one in the morning.

Her room was different. The window had been closed, but I'd easily remedied that fact. I knew it was wrong of me, Alice could tear me apart later. I had needed this. Her scent was everywhere. I didn't need to inhale, it surrounded me, drew me into the room despite my knowledge of the danger. She had told me to come to her, hadn't she?

Notebooks were piled on her desk, she had new books on her shelves, she needed a new bookshelf. Boxes of clothes were stacked neatly into one of the corners, her closet housed a completely new wardrobe. Alice. I wanted to open the boxes, bury my face into the folded apparel. I had enough self-control to resist that temptation. My attention would be divided, all I needed was for her to wake up and see me assaulting her clothing.

She looked so peaceful; the dark shadows I saw under her eyes in Mike's memories were gone. One hand was curled into the fringe of her pillow, the other was resting on her stomach. I couldn't see what she was wearing, aside from a small, low-cut shirt. She had lost weight, that much was true, but she was still Bella.

I wanted to take her in my arms, rest her head on my shoulder and lie in silence and peace as she slept. I missed that unbearably. I'd do whatever it took to regain her trust. She had no idea how much I valued the small human behaviorisms that she-- the way she'd instinctively turn into me, despite being unconscious. How she seemed to sleep better, deeper, with her arm around me. The sleepy smile, as she woke and saw me next to her.

I crouched next to her, I didn't want to disturb the bed with my weight. I didn't want anything to rouse her. Strawberries, fire, light, goodness, purity; I realized how wrong I'd been. How could I have left her? She was part of me, I couldn't run from her, just as I couldn't run from myself.

I kissed the air above her forehead.

"I'm so sorry, Bella, I'll make amends, I promise."

She turned onto her side, facing me. Even now, after everything I did to her, she still turned to me in her sleep. I felt part of myself shatter and break, my hands were trembling, I needed to leave.

"Wait," she mumbled sleepily.

I rested my hand on the baseboard heat so the chill of my skin wouldn't wake her. She reached for me, I took her hand.

"Warm," she sighed softly. "Jake?"

I was out of the window, sitting on the roof, before my mind had a chance to make sense of her words.

"You're an idiot," Alice snapped, sitting down next to me.

"Who the fuck is Jake?"

Authors Note:

My story was accepted on Twilighted, I'm not sure if I said that before? I'm absolutely psyched about it though, haha. **Favludo- thank you!! No love triangle, there's no competition when Edward's involved, right? Muhaha. And thank you for addressing one of my questions. I wasn't sure about their personalities. I reread the books and watched both movies for further insight, but compared to some of the amazing Twilight fanfics out there, I wasn't sure if I did the characters justice. **

**So yea, if you couldn't tell by my embarrassingly enthusiastic reception… reviews are always appreciated! I write back to them all and I take all suggestions/criticisms into consideration. Thanks again! Hope you continue reading, and liking, Phantasms!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Authors Note: Twilight and the related characters don't belong to me. Lemon warning, as always.

Authors Note: I always listen to music when I write. I figured I'd share a few songs with you considering I've noticed a lot of people do that with their stories. Not to take their ideas, but I love music, who doesn't? I'll stop babbling now. My apologies.

**Cascada**- Because the Night

**Garbage- **I Think I'm Paranoid

**Hoobastank- **Inside of You

**Rob Zombie- **Girl on Fire

**Depeche Mode**- Dangerous

**Sirenia- **Save Me From Myself

It was one of those dreams that promise the day will go fantastically. I felt energized, happy, confident; of course it had been Edward who made me feel that way. It had been so much fun turning the tables on him, I'd never had that rush of feminine power when it came to Edward and sex. In the past I'd always felt out of control, uneducated, so to speak. He'd keep me at arm's length and I'd try to push him for more because, well, he might be the master of self-control, but I _wanted_.

And now, the dreams had taken a decidedly more seductive tone. Because of me, I couldn't help but laugh girlishly. _I _had seduced_ him_. It was five in the morning, I had two whole hours to prepare myself for school. Plenty of time to write the dream down, yes, it was worthy enough to be entered into my dream journal.

How had it started? I refrained from chewing on my pen; I'd walked around for two days with ink smeared across my bottom lip because of a pen-biting mishap.

Cars. Edward had been thinking about cars. I rolled my eyes. I'll never understand the intrigue. If it gets from point a to point b without stalling, without wrestling the steering wheel for traction… who cared what the vehicle looked like? And then he was thinking about driving to my house. I had braced myself for the familiar onslaught of pain that came whenever I thought of seeing Edward again, but there had been nothing. I wanted to jump up and down and do the happiest snoopy-dance ever. And then I was.

I'd had a body!

"It's about time," I huffed, hoping that he hadn't seen me jumping around like an idiot.

"What? I- what?"

He was staring at me as though I were a ghost. And with my regaining a form, the feel of the dream changed. It wasn't two people having a conversation, as it usually was, there was more to it. I'm not able to explain, but I've never seen Edward surprised. I mean, sure, I'd been able to minutely surprise him with my willingness to accept everything that had to do with his way of life, but not in a true 'jump out of the closet' type of way. He actually stuttered!

"I've always been here, Edward. You just couldn't see me before. Hell, I couldn't see me. It was damn irritating. Thanks for fixing it."

Alice was right, I did curse more lately. Who cared? He hadn't seemed to object. It was, dare I say, cute? He was motionless as only a vampire can be, his eyes were riveted to me and he swayed slightly as he struggled to come to terms with my presence. I saw his brow furrow as he inhaled, but I couldn't smell anything either.

I couldn't hear his thoughts as clearly anymore. I caught flashes, snippets of sentences, but it was nothing like the in-depth look into his mind as before. I figured a few guidelines would be appropriate considering how rapidly things had changed. If I were to keep my body, I didn't want him popping in and out of my subconscious. He readily promised. Dream Edward was fine, I didn't think I was ready to see him full-fledged in front of me, especially when I knew that he didn't truly exist. He couldn't. If I see him when I'm sleeping, how does it work for him? He doesn't need to sleep. Is it some trance kind of thing?

No depressing thoughts. Today's all about the happy.

So I gathered my courage and settled myself in, what I hope was, a seductive position. I released all human inhibitions and worked toward one goal- driving him crazy. I figure it's fair play. How many times had he kissed me, went into full make-out mode, and then stopped short? He could deal with it.

I relaxed; one foot on the ground, the other over the back of the sofa. I saw his muscles tense slightly and I knew that it was working. I purposefully shifted so that my shirt rode up a little bit. Edward had told me once that he loved seeing glimpses of skin that were normally covered by clothes. He said it was sensual. Fine by me.

I saw the awareness in his eyes, the way his gaze moved from where my hand lay on my stomach, to my parted legs, to the line of my throat. And then he grabbed a pillow. A pillow! I wanted to yell, to scream; and then I realized _why_ he had placed a pillow in front of him. Oh yes, the stakes had risen.

I bit my lip, shifted my hips to relieve some of the pressure. He was turned on. By me.

"Edward," I said his name the way I knew he liked. Low, breathy, I moved my hair out of the way, also. Temptation at its finest. "What are you waiting for?"

His mind was a riot of lust, but, as always, the barriers were still there. I could see some of the things he wanted to do, the things he was barely restraining himself from doing, but that line still hadn't been crossed. Why did he continue to hold himself back?

"We're almost out of time," I knew it instinctively. It felt as though we were in a bubble, but outside forces were pressing in on us. "You waited too long."

"For what I'd planned, we definitely wouldn't have enough time."

Well… damn. A new surge of lust ran through me, I wanted him. Desperately. All these dreams, dancing around the subject, being held back because of the conditions set upon us. No longer, we weren't restricted in the slightest. There was nothing preventing me from taking what I wanted, no regrets, no recrimination, no one needed to know.

I climbed onto his lap, throwing the pillow onto the floor angrily, nothing was coming between him and I. His hair felt wonderful. Silky and coarse at the same time, I reveled in the feeling under my fingers and forced him to look at me. I wanted to see all of him. Starting with his face, I stared into his eyes. Amber, darkening by the second, I could get lost in the color of his eyes. So intense, piercing, and, for the moment, all mine.

"I've always wanted this. There's nothing depraved or deplorable about showing someone, physically, how much you care for them. I wanted you, I still want you. Your hands on me, your tongue," I couldn't help the shiver that ran up my spine. It made my hips move involuntarily, a gasp of breath escaping with how good it felt. Just thinking about him taking me that way, god… "the way you inhale when I'm near you, as though you're drinking me in. Don't you know that's a much more intimate act? Compared to a kiss, its one of the most personal things you could do."

Yes, yes, more, more, I forced my body to still as I let go of him. This was the defining moment. He'd either pull away from me, or he'd take control. I wanted him to take control. I wanted to see his reactions for a change. I could see my words were affecting him, why not up the ante?

"You take my essence into your body. You were right, I used to do the same thing. Your scent drew me in, I took it into my body and let you fill all of the empty places within me. It was a connection that ran deeper than sex, any sexual act we could do wouldn't compare to the feeling of having you, the real you, inside of me, in that way."

"I-"

"No, no words," he would talk himself down. I had plenty of practice with Edward-evasive maneuvers. "You want to prove it to me? No more words. Show me, come to me and make it real."

"Is that really what you want?"

I almost lost it. My veneer of experience and know-how almost faded. Yes, I almost laughed, it would have been an excited or giddy sound that would have given him the perfect out.

"What do you think?" I leaned in against his throat so he wouldn't see me smiling. "If you decide to return to me, there _will_ be changes. I'm not a placid little human anymore, I know what I want. If you're not able to comply with my, somewhat negotiable factors, don't waste our time. I want you, all of you, no holding back. Is that something you're willing to agree with me upon?"

I didn't necessarily like the way I'd stated things. Romance to verbal contracts, but the low groan I felt was more than answer enough.

"Bella…"

I licked across his neck, Alice had told me that a vampire's neck was a seriously intense erogenous zone. I'd never had the chance to test her theory, but the moment my tongue made contact with his skin, his arms wrapped around me.

"Yes or no?"

"I-"

Damnit, Edward, "wrong answer." I bit into his neck and I felt his entire body go rigid. His head went back exposing more of his throat to me. I was touched by the trust he showed allowing me access to such a detrimental place. I took my time worrying the skin with my teeth and experiencing the strange sensation of there being no pulse under my tongue. I couldn't hurt him, I'd seen him deflect trees.

"Harder, more," he gasped. I complied and his back arched off the sofa. I definitely wanted him to do that again. And… what was that? It almost sounded as if he were _purring_. Not like a cat, more… ferocious. He grabbed my hips and moved me against him. Perfect.

"Yes or no," I asked again.

"Yes, yes, god, yes," he was twisting his hips underneath me. I looked at him for a moment, eyes rolled back, his chest rising and falling harshly with air he didn't need, his hands had fisted on the couch behind him.

'Only Bella,' he thought, and I smiled again. Then I bit him harder.

"Oh- my- … _fuck_," he hissed. I nearly hit the orgasmic plateau. If there weren't so many clothes between us I would have, I took out my aggression on his neck. I couldn't go any higher, not with the way I was positioned. If he'd let go, I'd move a little lower… but he was too far gone, his grip was too tight, and I was frustrated with everything except how he felt against me.

I didn't want to move, but- and then he shifted. Ohh yes. Not nearly as good as it could have been were I not so busy having an internal conversation with myself. I gasped and pressed my inner thighs against him as I rode it out. So long, it had been months that I'd gone without release.

I bit hard down his neck to his upper chest. I left little imprints behind, but they were healing quickly. My name fell like a litany from his lips. Time to wind things down, the bubble-pressure was stronger now. Had he found his way to orgasm? I thought so, he seemed calmer, at least.

"Did you-"

"Mmm…" he twisted again as I hit a sensitive place near his collarbone.

"Good," I stood, but couldn't help turning around to remember him this way. His hair in worse disarray than normal, definitely sex hair this time, I grinned. His jeans rode low over his hipbones and his shirt was raised. All of that strength contained in his lithe muscles; the indent of his hipbones, the taut muscles in his stomach, I think I whimpered. I'm definitely sure I moaned when I realized that he was again… happy.

He reached toward me and I quickly moved out of the way. We didn't have time for a round two, no matter how much I wished otherwise. A quick glimpse in his mind made me stumble further away. I saw what he intended; me taking his place on the couch. He slowly undressed me and made his way down my body, playing lightly at the base of my stomach before going lower. I wrenched myself out of the vision.

"Come with me?" I heard myself say. Now that our time together was at an end, we'd reached a new level, I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to wake up.

"I'm going to need a human moment," he smiled slowly. The crooked, flirtatious, heart-breaking smile that I'd yearned to see again.

"What?" I was confused, was he teasing me?

"I am still a guy, vampire though I may be," his eyes flickered downward before they met mine again.

I nodded pretending to understand. I knew that much. What? Oh, he was fantasizing again. Edward was no longer reclining on the sofa. He had sat up, facing me, and I could clearly see what he us to do. I was straddling him again, fully against him he was taller than me. He was inside of me and I was raking my nails down his back, grabbing his hair and holding him against me. I couldn't feel any of the emotions that went with the vision, but I was obviously having a very good time. I tipped my head back, eyes staring at the ceiling, and I yelled his name.

"Action," I smiled weakly, my mouth was dry. My eyes felt dry. I was dehydrated just about everywhere with the exception of one very vital area. "I like it."

His fantasies hit me, one after the other. I'm surprised my legs didn't buckle and the jeans dematerialize with the firestorm that had overtaken me. On the piano, on the floor, against one of the walls, against the pedestal that held a vase and flowers. And then he smiled wickedly and slowly shifted his fantasy.

He slowly unbuttoned his jeans, leaned back, and-- jesus! I felt a full-body blush envelop my body, he chuckled.

"This is it," I tried to glare at him. So he knew I was inside his head? "We've got, maybe, ten seconds. At most."

"I thought we were in charge of this?"

I half-shrugged. I knew a way to turn the tables. I dropped to my knees, a relief from standing, and I moved his legs apart. He looked shocked, two points now, and I knew the score didn't matter. I was able to live out all of the things I'd wanted to do. I wouldn't have to be embarrassed about them, no modesty was needed because they're _my_ dreams and no one aside from me will know about them.

I pulled my hair back, I wanted a clear view of him for what I was going to do.

'Debase her…'

I rubbed my cheek against the middle seam of his jeans and his train of thought abruptly stopped.

"Will you give me what I want?" I didn't just mean this. I meant all of it. He'd lost the barrier that kept his sexual impulses at bay, but they kept threatening his new-found freedom.

'If she wanted this, and I wanted this, what wrong was there?'

"Exactly," I replied enthusiastically. I worked my fingers up the fly of his pants searching for the zipper. "I'll need some alone time later tonight. Show me. Come to me again?"

"Yes," he gasped.

The pressure was nearly unbearable. My movements were sluggish, I felt like I was fighting to keep my eyes closed. That's when I had no choice but to let go, I was awake. It was still dark out, though, not much time had passed. I fell in and out of consciousness, I swear I'd seen someone in my room. Not in a creepy way, they had felt familiar to me.

At first I thought it was Jake, but his skin had been pale. Bronze eyes, I smiled, blushing as I closed my window. He had kept his manipulated promise, I had meant much later, but he'd come to me again. If I knew Edward, he liked to go above and beyond what was expected. He had to leave that final hazy image to prepare me for tonight. Too bad I had been half-awake, we didn't have time to enjoy things.

"Morning!" Alice knocked once and handed me a glass of orange juice.

"Good morning to you," I grinned.

"Have nice dreams?"

I studied her face to see if she were hiding knowledge from me, but her expression was guileless. "Yep." I bounded from the bed and checked to make sure my book bag was packed properly. Two schoolbooks, three notebooks, the homework I'd completed in a separate folder. Two books of personal preference for during lunch and Health class. All set.

"What's up, Alice?"

"I wondered if," her eyes flickered between me and the closet. "… perhaps you might want help-" "Picking out an outfit for the first day back from break?"

"Yes," she bounced on the balls of her feet.

"Have at it," I quick-hugged her on the way to my bureau. "You pick it out, I'll wear it."

Her excited, very high-pitched laugh of glee followed me all the way to the bathroom. I took a long shower, wondering if I'd ever get to have Edward participate with me in a dream. I felt my blood begin to warm, but was caught short at the unfamiliar smell. I sneezed once and scrubbed at my face, hoping I didn't have shampoo in my eyes. Charlie had gotten it for me, a whim buy that he'd blushed all the way to the register for, and it smelled like flowers.

It had been thoughtful of him, regardless of the smell. I'd buy a few travel size things of shampoo later. I could hide the empty bottles in my book bag until enough time had passed that I could drain enough of his bottle. Quickly finishing, leaving the door cracked a bit to air the bathroom out, I stared at the outfit sitting on my bed.

"Those aren't my clothes, Alice."

"You said, I quote, 'You pick it out, I'll wear it.' So?"

"But-"

"Come on, Bella, _please_. The shoes have good traction, I checked when I bought them. They're skid-proof- it's raining today. Hallways slippery, wet tiles; the shoes will come in handy…"

"I guess…,' she was right. The boots had no real heel, they were stocky, and they came above my ankle. "I make no promises until I try it on."

"Okay," Alice had closed the door behind her. "Hurry up, I still have to do your make-up."

Dark purple and black were Alice's colors of choice. She had chosen a flannel shirt that was nothing like the ones I was used to wearing. Hers was shorter, more feminine looking, tighter fitting. The buttons ended near my cleavage, though I was surprised by Alice's consideration. The shirts she usually wanted me to wear had a lower neckline.

Black jeans with extra pockets on the bottom, I actually liked them a lot. They fit like jeans, but the lower pockets were big enough for me to keep a book in. With the black boots on, I looked… edgy. I noticed the box on the bed. Sighing, I found a pair of amethyst gemmed earrings. They weren't real gems, I was pretty sure, I'd have to ask her later.

"No, they're not," I heard Alice say on the other side of the door. "I heard you open the box. What do you think?" "They're nice," I replied.

"No, I mean about the entire outfit."

"You can come in, sorry. No need to talk through walls."

"Sit, sit, sit," she was sitting on the bed in a second holding a makeup box. "I don't want to see until the final touches are in place."

I sat still and tried not to fidget, the feeling of the brush over my eyelids made me feel antsy. Alice had a way of making people feel special, unique. She did it differently depending on the person she was interacting with, but she always made it seem as though I, in my case, was the center of her attention. With me it dealt with makeup and clothes, she didn't just apply makeup and shop with me. Her decisions and suggestions flattered both my body type and my personality. They were carefully chosen with sentiment behind them no matter how trivial the item. Like now, the focus with which she applied eye-shadow, the fierce concentration she employed showed how much she cared. I was truly her friend and she held nothing back when it came to friendship.

"Thank you, Alice," I met her gaze over the mirror she'd handed me.

"No problem. Keep in mind that you love me later, okay?"

"… why? Ow, shit…-"

I waited for the sting, Alice had been using a mascara brush when I'd glared. She stared at me with a knowing expression holding the implement in her other hand. Blinking once or twice, cautiously, I mumbled another thank you. Thank goodness for vampire speed.

"How okay are you with talking about… him… really?"

"It's fine." I held my arms away from my body, demonstrating how okay I was with talking about Edward. The dreams were fun, now that I'd gotten a handle on them, and provided he followed the rules I'd set, I wouldn't have him interfering in personal life. I'd slowly be able to wean myself away from him in the dreams, we'd sate one another and- well, I'd be sated, he was my dream Edward not the other way around. With enough time, I should be able to find a fulfilling relationship and not need the dreams anymore.

I felt my stomach jump at the thought. Quickly squelching down on the panic that rose, I forced the strength to return. I couldn't very well live out the rest of my life alone, surrounded by animals and sleeping pills.

'Sad how appealing that sounds, huh?'

I smiled confidently using my determination to drown out the other voice, "yup, I'm dealing with it, I'm fine."

"What would you say if he were to return…?"

I felt my smile freeze in place. Edward coming back? He was coming back? Oh god! The dream! I'd left him wanting, I'd told him to come to me! Never taunt a vampire, I should have known better.

"Bella? Take deep breaths, I'm so sorry."

"No, no," I followed her advice. "It's still fine. Um, well, sure. It's his home, right? He was here first."

It couldn't be the dream, that was ludicrous. There had to be another reason, damn me if I can think of one.

"Why, um, why would he be coming back? Are the others here? Would he be coming to school?"

"I'm not entirely sure of the reasons behind question one. A few us are back, Carlisle was desperately needed at the hospital, Esme might fill in as a nurse. They're really short-staffed, I'm sure you knew that. So… that means that we'd have to re-enroll at Forks High."

"Oh," I felt my head nod. "Right, senior year. Is it? You haven't missed too much? They won't hold you back, will they? I mean- it'd give you guys another year here-"

"Bella, please, you need to relax."

"I am." Taking a deep breath, I filed all of the information away. I was calm, I was me again, I met her gaze with coherency. I could handle this. I could. I would. "Just… tell him to keep out of my way. He'll need to find a new lab partner."

"I'll pass that on," she agreed solemnly.

"Will he be there today?"

"No," her tone was fierce. "He most certainly won't be in school for a few days."

"Well, ok then," I grabbed my book bag. "What are you going to tell them about your prolonged absence?"

"We have a note from another school, they won't call to confirm. Even if they do, the school has our records and a new wing to their library."

"You bought them a library as your bribe?"

"No, we donated a historical section. There's nothing that endears a town to our presence like money used for non-budget wants. I came up with the plan. Awhile ago, the first time I got a good, fast car, actually. I noticed that by helping; Carlisle donating to the hospital, Esme joining some charities, one of us interning with Carlisle, we were less suspicious."

"So the longer you stayed, the more they prospered."

"Exactly," Alice beamed. "And the more inclined they were to overlook our wealth. I could drive my cars and shop, at least in the smaller towns. Our popularity didn't spread seeing as they were relatively isolated."

Comparing Forks to Phoenix, I understood what she meant. Law out here consisted of Charlie and a few others. I knew how much he hated to confer with others, allow them into his territory. Living was much simpler compared even to the Port. On the res, they had a whole new law system out there that Charlie rarely interfered with. That never would have been possible in Phoenix.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Warmth," I shivered, stepping onto the porch, glowering at the array of white and ice. "Hot air blowing across sand, perspiring just from stepping onto asphalt."

"Warmth," Alice echoed. I got the impression that she wasn't staring out of the window on purpose.

"Sorry," I interjected hastily. "None of those things are good for you guys."

"No problem," we were pulling up to the school. "Ready? Remember, we'll knock them dead. No more shy Bella."

"I've got the outfit to pull it off."

"_You_ look amazing," she studied me carefully. "The clothes just enhance-"

"Thank you, Alice," I said again, meaning every word.

She squeezed my hand lightly before we made our exit, our entrance, I was prepared for my complete return at Forks High School.

* * *

I had plenty of time to think of Edward during my classes. The teachers weren't making much of an effort. It could be because half of the chairs were empty within the classroom. Christmas break meant a lot more in Forks, too. Rather than two weeks, break was a month long. Due to blizzards and hail, we waited out the worst of the season and made up for it later in the year. It'd take at least two days before things resumed to their normal pace.

I was once again okay with his returning. I was mature, more adult than when he'd left. Surely I could have a civil, if not professional, relationship with him. I was bound to cross him once or twice in the halls, at lunch. We had Biology together and partners were cemented together. If I asked for a favor, had Jess take my place and took Mike in hers, I'd exacerbate the situation. It would seem as if I were trying to get away from him, the gossip would be overwhelming.

I hadn't known about the hospital shortage. I actually hadn't known about a lot of things. Jessica and Mike had broken up though Angela and Ben were still together. I'd have to watch myself around Mike, he seemed the type to rebound quickly.

Lunch passed in a blur. I was using the bathroom when two other girls walked in. I heard the familiar sound of makeup cases being shut, brushes being ran through hair. I'd done plenty of the same when I was with Edward.

I had started using perfume and lotion again, I heard a bottle click shut. Edward hadn't liked how the smell blocked my pores and my natural scent for hours after I'd used them.

"So Bella Swan seems to have made a recovery," I recognized the voice as Lauren's.

"Yea, I mean, she had Alice to talk to. She's not staring out of the window anymore."

"Whatever, I won't ever forget what she looked like while her precious boyfriend was gone. Now she wants our guys to be panting all over her again? I'll bet it's cause of Edward's freak sister. Think she's taken his place?"

"Lauren! Don't even joke about things like that," I heard Jessica pause. "Gross."

"No, I mean, whatever. She does the whole shy thing so well, certainly wasn't so damn shy feelin' Edward up during classes. No, its an act, and since Edward broke up with her- about time, might I add, she's going to be on the lookout for a replacement. Not that there could be, god Edward's hot."

"Mmm…"

Jessica would be struggling to speak and apply lipstick at the same time. I wanted to burst through the door, ram my fist into Jessica's face. I'd put up with her snippy comments, her blatant dislike of me throughout the school year, but how dare she mention Edward and our relationship? And nobody, nobody made fun of Alice.

I was held motionless. The inner voice spewing words like expulsion, hospital-

"So Edward's single again, huh? Probably skipping class, god, he's such a bad-boy. Him and all that leather, I'm totally making a move."

My nails dug bloody furrows into my skin. The voice screamed words at me. 'Murder charges, Charlie's your father, could be killed!'

"Yea, I can't though." I eased down marginally, at least one of them had some decency. "I can't, like, talk to him, you know? He makes me feel, like, less. So no, if he notices _me_ then its totally okay. I didn't like, slut it up after him."

Or not. Fuck them both. 'Double murder, jail for life, small cell, no books!' No books? I shivered, what would life be without literature?

"Totally might, he liked Bella. His standards must have dropped."

Finally, the door closed behind them. I washed my hands, breathing deeply as they dried. The shaking would stop any minute. There were crescent-shaped marks on my hands to match the ones on my arms. I focused on the pain and nausea. If the marks had been deeper, I'd have drawn blood. My stomach cramped.

I did a double-take as I studied myself in the mirror. My eyes were darker again. That hadn't happened to me before Edward, maybe something in his saliva had altered me slightly. They had never been this dark, almost black, and my skin was much, much paler. I never did tan, but at my worst I'd never been translucent like this.

Anger faded with my amazement. I'd never seen me angry, I had seen myself in a darkened mirror, but… wow. I looked almost scary. I would look like this as a vampire. It seemed improbable that my skin could be any grayer, my eyes pure black, this is what I'd look like for eternity. My lips were red because I'd been chewing on them. Would that work if I were vampiric? There wouldn't be any blood flow, no circulation, so chewing on my lip wouldn't bring about the same effects.

Would I make myself bleed? How did fangs really work?

Get a grip, I scolded myself. I knew the signs. I would talk myself down from a rage using curiosity, an analytical way of observing everything. There always came a moment, when the questions became too outlandish, that I'd snap back to reality and the knowledge that I was going to be late for Biology.

Subconscious motivation, perhaps?

I walked past The Locker and couldn't help but slow down. I trailed my fingers across the cold metal remembering the many times I'd- my jaw dropped in shock. Standing in front of me was an Edward Cullen I'd never seen before. I felt a pang of nostalgia. Here was where he'd always kissed me before classes changed. I was going to be late for Biology, but getting there didn't seem nearly as urgent as it had been a few minutes ago.

I knew this was a fantasy. Real Edward wouldn't wear anything like my Dream Edward had on. Leather pants hung low over his hips, with silver buckles crisscrossing along his legs; he looked like... well, what Dream Edward would be on a very good night. A white undershirt emphasized the sleek muscles in his abdomen and stomach. I was dying to rake my nails over them, to lick a trail from his neck to his hipbones.

Black combat boots, no way would Edward wear those. I'd never seen him in a pair of shoes that weren't imported. The best part of his ensemble, hands down, was his leather jacket. Typical black, it looked worn-in and comfortable. There were no insignia's on it or fancy embroidery as the boys in Forks seemed to prefer. It looked classic and, in a way, utterly Edward.

"You're not supposed to be here," I stuttered. "Remember, you promised. No coming into my personal life."

He leaned in against me, bracing one of his arms on the lockers next to my head. There was a dangerous edge added to his personality that hadn't been present before. I could tell that he was still safe, for me at least, to be around.

"Edward," I breathed. Pulling him to me, I kissed him with every fiber of passion I had ever felt. I had a certain fondness for leather. I inhaled and savored the smell.

He returned the kiss with an urgency that took my breath away. I could feel the sorrow and despair, his elation; every emotion that I'd felt in the past few months was reflected in his kiss. I clung to him not wanting to let him go. This may be wrong, I should find the will to make the daydream fade, but he felt so good, so right, I could breathe him in, experience him in a way the dreams didn't allow.

He pressed me against the lockers with one hand behind my head, protecting me as always. I felt the tears behind my eyes but I wouldn't let them escape. I needed this. I wanted this moment to be perfect. He tasted as I remembered; pure, delicious, masculine and dangerous.

His leather jacket creaked as he rocked his hips against mine. I groaned into his mouth as I bit at his bottom lip hungrily. I was devouring him. I was taking his spirit, his soul, all of his essence into me. I'd harbor it for the moment and allow it to heal me. All of the broken pieces that lay within me knotted together and reformed. I felt whole.

"Edward," I whispered.

I felt metal bend as his fist clenched, "Bella, my Bella."

I closed my eyes, inhaled and willed my clothes to retain his smell. It took every fiber of my being to work up the strength to move away. I gently pushed at his chest, I wanted to hold onto him and never let go. The whole feeling I had wasn't real, I'd be broken again in a minute. I couldn't do this anymore.

Wake up, Bella, I admonished myself. Walk away, you have to walk away. I stared into his dark, intense eyes; I could see the love he felt for me, the heartbreak I was feeling.

"Don't- don't do this again," I managed to say, one hand to my mouth. I should have wiped traces of him away, but I couldn't. I lingered on the swollen feeling in my bottom lip all but cherishing the feeling.

"Bella-" he looked as if I'd ripped his heart out. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go. He was supposed to help me, not make things worse. Since when had Dream Edward turned on me? 'Since you started depending on him.'

"No, you can't do this to me anymore. Stay where you said, leave me alone here." I bit my lip, committed him to memory, and ran.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. I tried to keep my attentive veneer in place, but I had the feeling I was failing at it. The group wasn't talking to me as much and I found myself losing parts of their conversations.

Did the dreams have to remove all barriers at once? I still smelled him, tasted him, felt the emotions that had poured through him, phantom as they were. I huddled in my jacket and turned the heater on full-blast in my truck.

It had been so real, but there weren't any witnesses to ask. Alice said he wouldn't be back yet. Lauren had a point, bitchy as she had been on the details. Edward was free. He was available. Every girl in Forks High would leap for a chance now that he'd dated one of us. His mysterious façade had been broken, he had done normal, boyfriend things. They had a chance.

Would I pass that locker and see Lauren Mallory biting his lip the way he liked? I'd have to ask Alice to tell him I'd prefer he not date my friends. Or anyone at Forks High. Guys would be alright, I laughed, surprised by the sound.

"Bella?"

I looked up to see Alice outside of my window. Releasing the lock on the door I switched seats knowing that she would insist upon driving. She was in serious mode, not once had she grimaced at my truck.

I was able to wait until we'd pulled away from school before I broke down. She held me as I cried. Wracking sobs tore through my body. I curled up in a fetal position near her lap and tried to hold myself together.

"Oh, Bella," she whispered. Stroking my hair lightly, Alice allowed me to cry. She rocked me, I was in her arms, my face against her neck. I knew I should move, her tolerance was limitless, but with her face buried against my pulse; that was hardly fair to her.

"Why won't he leave me alone?" I dug my nails into my arms and focused on the pain so I wouldn't break down again. "He's everywhere I go. Why can't I just let him be?"

"He'll leave you alone if that's truly what you want."

"No, no he won't. He'll always be there. When I think I'm better again, that's when I see him. He's in my dreams, my dreams make me see him in life. He's so real, I kissed him today, did you know that? I'm so pathetic, I kissed him. _I_ kissed _him_! In school! Am I that far gone that I need to bring him to school with me?"

"Bella? What are you talking about?"

"I didn't tell you, I was too ashamed. I've seen him in my dreams. In a cave, in a cabin, I heard what I most wanted to hear. I saw into his mind as I'd always wanted to. I saw him in my kitchen on Christmas, I saw him once at night when I could swear I'd been sleeping. My window was open, I probably did that myself, I want him to be here so badly that I'm sleep-walking now. No, not sleep-walking, I'm sabotaging myself while I sleep so I can hope during the day. Pathetic, I know! Then today, I saw him in school. He was all in leather, that's how I know its impossible. He looked like sex, and a god, and so fucking perfect, so handsome and broken. I kissed him, how desperate... I keep having to say goodbye! Why won't it stick? Why am I doing this to myself? I reach a good place, we come to an agreement, and then the rules change!"

"You need to calm down. Take a breath, breathe, okay?"

She was seriously worried about me, I could see it all over her face. Yes, me crying all over her, nearly having a mental breakdown, of course she'd be panicking.

"Sorry, sorry," I held my breath and willed my heart to slow.

My pulse was racing, I had wetness all over my face and I was wishing for tissues. Ever efficient, Alice reached into her purse and handed me a pack.

"If I tell you something, I need for you to stay in control."

I focused on her dialect, I'd noticed that in the past though I hadn't paid much attention. From whatever time-period Alice came from, she spoke differently when in dire situations. I managed to nod my head while blowing my nose.

"Edward was in school today, Bella," her voice had the slightest growl to it. He didn't attend very many classes because he was too busy stalking you all day. He didn't mean for you to see him, I guess, but he was there. If you kissed him, it was him, Bella, not a dream."

"No," I whispered. "You're just telling me that so I don't check myself into a mental institution."

"I'm not lying to you." Her eyes were grave, her entire facial expression was staid. I felt the ground move under my feet, the atmosphere shimmered and I raked my nails down my arm. I realized too late the consequences of my actions, but thankfully I hadn't drawn blood. I was getting really good at that, it wouldn't have been fair to Alice at all. She was lying to me to keep me from completely unraveling, it took a really good friend to- she was still being one-hundred percent serious.

"No," I said again. Throwing the door of the truck open I started running. When I'd kissed Edward something had happened to the lockers. Vertically challenged as I was, I made it back into school without tripping or falling once.

The hallways were deserted, everyone was either home or on their way home. The parking lot was utterly empty, it would have been eerie had I not been on a mission. I raced to the lockers and felt all of the blood drain from my face.

Alice was right. There, above where my head had been, I could see a circular shaped dent in the metal. I ran my fingers across it before recoiling as though the cold metal had burned me. I backed away from it carefully.

Edward had been in school today. I had truly kissed Edward. I wasn't insane. I hadn't conjured him to life from the recesses of my mind. He had walked these halls, stood at the window and watched me in class. The way he smelled, tasted, the look in his eyes; all of that had been real.

Blackness descended and I wondered briefly if I were dreaming. Would I wake to my alarm going off? Cold hands caught me as I fell to the floor, I curled into the touch and prayed that I wouldn't wake up. Weak, yes, but things were so much simpler in dreams. Why not stay asleep? It seemed like a good idea at the time.

**Authors Note 3: **Sorry for the lateness with updating! I try to make up for it in chapter length. Edward and Bella are back in the same state! Thank you to everyone who reviewed, added me to their favorites list, or recommended this fic to others! I've gotten amazingly motivational, and supportive comments- 'snoopy dance

**JensinDenial3516, Chuckytimes25- **I hate cliff-hangers too, sorry about that. =P

**Clary Shadows**- it gets better, I swear!

**Storytime, leggoeggo, splendid times, VeraSorger**- thank you so very much! Working on the next chapter now, should be up within a day, if not later today.

**Arofriend- **I'll try to bring Alice in for more screen time. I love her, she's such a fun character. They definitely have more 'girl' time together in later chapters.

**Goedwardteam**- Thanks! Yea, I didn't know what else to do with Mike, so I had him play a more meaningful role. People keep popping into the story. I had no intention of adding Mike, Jessica, certainly not Lauren. Ah well, I'll take what I can get so long as I'm able to keep writing.

**Hopeenternal**- Cool play on your name, hope. =) I'm glad all of you like the lemons. They're fun to write, too, haha.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12**Authors Note: **Twilight and the related characters do not belong to me.

**Authors Note 2: **The type of trees I use in this story are native to Washington. The Douglas Fir Tree, http://cache4(dot)asset-cache(dot)?v=1&c=NewsMaker&k=2&d= is the one I refer to here and in later chapters. I needed a really, really large tree, haha. This worked.

**Authors Note 3: **There are a Lot of waterfalls in Washington. (I'm from NJ, hence my Washington-ignorance, haha.) This is the only one within 30 miles of Forks. Bear Creek Falls. I don't know if this is a picture of The Bear Creek Falls, google images, haha, but it works with this chapter. .blogspot(dot)com/_dPKKA5YXXsY/SSSQd1Dc6RI/AAAAAAAAM7U/pExxE59Nyi0/s1600/ home_060(dot)jpg

**Atreyu- **Lip Gloss and Black

**Slipknot- **Vermillion Pt. 2

**Icon of Coil- **Dead Enough For Life

**Theory of A Deadman- **Make Up Your Mind

**Atreyu- **Two Become One

**Saliva- **Here With You

**Edward's Point of View**

"What the hell were you thinking? I told you she was fragile! I told you she wasn't well! What do you do? You crawl into her window like some filthy pervert and assault her while she's sleeping!!" Alice paced and continued to screech at me.

I rubbed my chest where she'd been punching me to emphasize her points. It had been incredibly foolish, and weak, of me to enter her house while she slept. I couldn't help myself. I needed to see her, to assure myself that she was alive and well.

Alice hadn't had a Bella phantasm appear out of nowhere, I had. Bella wanted me to show her, physically, how I felt. I did that, or was in the process of doing so when she said another man's name. In her bed. While she was sleeping. After I'd touched her.

"I didn't assault her," I snarled.

"Then!" Alice yelled, ignoring me. The windows shook. "Then you follow her around in school, stalking the poor girl from class to class. She thought she was mentally insane, do you know that?! She cried in my arms, I've never seen her so broken, Edward!!"

I didn't just wince, I'm not sure what happened. I pictured Bella sobbing, Alice holding her- I should have held her. I should have found her after, explained myself. I had every intention of confronting her about what had happened in the hallway. Instead, I had been detained by Lauren Mallory. My entire body jolted.

"I-"

"_Edward, I have a question about Calculus. You're a math-wiz, mind helping me?"_

"_Now's not the best time," I tried to edge past her._

_The bell had sounded, Bella would be coming through the doors any minute. I had parked one of Alice's less-flamboyant cars in the side-lot to avoid alerting Bella to my presence. I made completely sure, all of my vampire abilities on full-alert, not to accidentally pass her in the halls. I actually ended up skipping a majority of the classes, I listened to music in the car, trying to calm my nerves._

"_You can make time for me, can't you?" She pouted, I huffed in frustration._

_The school's principal paused on the way to his car. I could hear his thoughts easily enough. He liked Lauren, thought she was a good student. His interest had been piqued when Lauren had approached me, he wanted to see if I'd actually help her. Mr. Greene was not my biggest fan, he was dying to sign a suspension form due to my absences._

_I was trying to reintegrate myself back into Forks High. I couldn't afford to risk raising his ire, not with the hell he had planned for me. This was the only place I'd be able to see Bella, to interact with her. If I were banished from the school, my last method of communication would be taken away._

"_Uh, quickly, if you don't mind. I really am running late," I could feel him glaring into my back._

"_I'm okay with quick," she pushed her hair back and ran her fingers across her chest. Taking out her Calculus book, she held it close to the top of her shirt. _

"_Lauren…" I tried to keep the growl from my voice. Her ploys of seduction were irritating me. The wind blew her perfume in my direction and I had to hold my breath. Women used entirely too many artificial products. I could smell powder, lotion, shampoo, scented soap, something that smelled like candy, hairspray- nauseating and I couldn't stop breathing._

"_This problem, I think I got something wrong. It doesn't make sense."_

"_Well, no wonder-" I kept my eyes on the page as I motioned for the notebook. I knew she wanted me to bend down, my face would be on equal level as her cleavage. _

_She leaned on my shoulder as I withdrew a pen to correct her mistakes. There were many of them, I untangled the mess she'd made while explaining as clearly as possible._

"_Thanks," she trailed her fingers down my arm as I handed her the revised equations._

"_No problem." Mr. Greene did not approve, he thought I was taking advantage of her. I moved a step backwards._

_She followed, her hand on my wrist. "So I hear that you left Bella. How's single life?"_

"_There's a misunderstanding, I didn't-"_

"_Cause, you know, if you get, like, bored- I wouldn't mind an extra study-session or two. I'll wear my schoolgirl skirt for ya," she rubbed one of her legs against the other while I retreated another step._

"_That's really not-"_

"_I understand, you know, being with someone who isn't right for you. They all see that I'm popular, of course, but they don't see, like, inside. Like you, totally-" her mouth was near my ear. This really couldn't continue. Mr. Greene be damned, words weren't working._

"_Lauren," I gently pried myself free of her grip. "I really, really don't have time for this."_

"_So later then? The way you look at me, a girl can tell, ya know. It can be our secret, if you want it that way. The bad-boy dating this year's prom queen, it would, like, kill your image, right? Not that I'd mind you after me to be something a little more, you know, public."_

"_No-"_

"_Here," she tucked a piece of paper into my pocket. "I'm good at phone-sex, too. Do you like when people talk dirty, Edward? Call me later, okay?"_

_I ran my hand through my hair as she walked away. There were too many people around, I couldn't vampire speed my way to the front of the building. What had possessed me to park in the lot furthest from where I needed to be? Why hadn't I just driven? Passing time, walking like a normal person, both had seemed like good ideas at the time._

"_Mr. Cullen, a word, if you please."_

_I closed my eyes, my back was turned. I forced myself to be calm, I willed my eyes to be a normal shade before I faced the principal. I really didn't want to resort to old ways, but if one more person got in my way… I wouldn't even have time to drink my fill._

"_Of course," I smiled jovially. By making me walk over to him, he was asserting his authority. And the seconds were going by as he did._

"_I gave you and your siblings permission to leave a few days early. That was before Christmas break. Two months have passed since then, were you aware of that?"_

"_Yes, sir," I replied. "There were certain complications that delayed our return. We hadn't thought to be back for quite some time. Carlisle, my father, had us enrolled in a school near where he'd taken residence. We had all of our records sent to-"_

"_I'm aware of that," he interrupted. "Be that as it may, now that you've reenrolled, the same rules apply. You can't pick and choose which classes to attend. You have a schedule for a reason, I expect your attendance rate to drastically improve, do you understand me?"_

"_I do."_

_The monster in me was thrashing at the bit. He didn't take kindly to being forced into a submissive position. Especially not from a weaker being. I swallowed a mouthful of venom and lowered my eyes. The monster crashed against my insides begging to be released._

"_You seniors are all the same. You drive your fast cars, skip school, play with your grades. It's not a joke. You may have applied to all of your colleges, but acceptance won't do you any good should you not pass. You'll apply to the same places next year, as you re-do this year. There are no re-do's, Mr. Cullen."_

_I saw red for the briefest of moments. Was he threatening my relationship with Bella? Had he channeled a psychic from ages past? Staring into his flushed, weathered face, I decided no. The fates were not using him as a conduit._

"_My apologies, sir, but Carlisle is expecting me. We've more to do seeing as both he and my mother are working at the hospital. Dinner's my responsibility."_

"_Keep what I said in mind," I could hear a conclusion forming somewhere in his head. "I'll be calling later to inform your parents of the same."_

"_I'll be sure to tell them."_

"_You do that," he unlocked the doors to his car. "Oh, and Edward? School hours are over, I suggest you vacate the premises. I wouldn't want Swan's father to tow your… vehicle. The impound lot's closed due to illness in the family."_

_I had no choice but to walk back to my car. Mr. Greene watched me situate myself in the driver's seat before leaving. He was thinking how odd it was that we were so pale. Were we Viking descendants? So much potential was being wasted by my rebellious ways, he was intimidated by the way I spoke. He didn't like intellectual competition; my vocabulary far out-weighed his. My car threatened him. He hated that I drove a top-of-the-line sports car while he was relegated to whatever had been functional due to his budget._

"_Yo, bro, drive me home." I heard a thunk on the roof, I barely hit the brakes in time. Emmett had jumped from the roof to land directly in front of me._

"_Take… the fucking…," I removed my hands from the steering wheel slowly to prevent from tearing the thing apart._

"_What's crawled up your ass, dude? First day back kinda rough?"_

_I left the driver's side door open as I vacated the car. There was no one around, I could make it to the corner in less than a second._

"_She's gone, I saw her leave a good while ago with Alice."_

_That was it. I called on my infamous control, there was no one that deserved to be my punching bag. Not for something out of everyone's control. Perhaps it was a sign, maybe I wasn't supposed to see her today. When had I started believing in signs?_

"_Why didn't you take the Jeep?"_

"_Rosie came to get it, said she needed something that could go off-road."_

"_You could have been home by now, why are you here, really?"_

"_I was on my way, then I saw you. Figured it'd be more fun this way. It was," he laughed. "Couldn't help myself. I always loved to hear Greene tear into someone. Combine that with my great enjoyment in seeing you pissed off, it's the only time you're normal. Two in one, man."_

"_You're an ass," I growled._

"_King of, top dog," he corrected me. "See, if you followed my advice, you wouldn't be in this predicament." _

"_What advice would that be?" I pulled the door closed and floored the gas pedal. I wanted to drive fast, I needed to release my aggression somehow._

"_Small sentences," he was drawing something with the window's frost. "You could have avoided all of that with smaller sentences. Misunderstanding? Telling Greene about our 'dinner' plans? C'mon, no way."_

_I grit my teeth and focused on the road. Emmett had helped, I did not want to throw him through the windshield and hit him at full-speed._

"_I know, you want to kick my ass. But," he hesitated meaningfully, "you wouldn't want to show up at Bella's with a shiner, right? Or a swollen lip? Broken nose?"_

"_You've made your point."_

_My cell-phone beeped, my hand twitched on the wheel. Was Bella contacting me? She was impatient, a fighter- of course she'd confront me about what happened._

'_Just. You. Wait.' - Alice_

Nope. Not Bella.

* * *

"Alice," Carlisle tried to intervene.

"No!" She stomped her foot and looked around the room, probably for something to throw at me. "He should know! Fucking- of all the idiotic things to do! You _kissed_ her?! She was recovering! Just when she had her shit together, you swoop in and _kiss _her?!"

"_She_ kissed _me_, Alice. I didn't force myself on her."

"Well of course _she_ kissed you, you brain-dead jerk! She loves you still! She needed you to be real! Bella told me that she's- that..." Alice bit her lip and snarled. "You leave her alone! Until she comes to terms with your return, you are not to go within a five mile radius of her, her house, her truck, or her classes. You let her heal, Edward, I mean it!"

"Okay…"

"Okay? That's all you have to say? Okay? I had to carry her out of school because she fainted. And all you have to say is okay?!"

"… I, er…" I didn't know what to say. She would take anything I said and use it against me. There was no reasoning with Alice when she was angry, which wasn't often.

"No," I could see her shaking, her eyes were black with rage. "I take it back. You are going to fix this. If you choose to disregard my warnings, you ignore what I say? You're on your own, buddy. You fix this fuck-all of a mess. I'm done."

"Alice-"

"Stop Alice'ing me, all of you! I'll be there for her. If she wants to talk, to rage, to hate you- I'll be there to listen and help her. You, on the other hand, you fucking fix this, Edward. And you'd better do it damn fast."

"Ali-"

"Don't you dare take his side, Jasper Whitlock. Ugh," she screeched again. "Men!"

She was gone in a blur of purple and white.

"What are you going to do now?" Jasper asked.

"I have no idea," I barely ducked out of the way as a tree came hurtling in my direction. "Avoid Alice, probably."

"Good plan," Jasper sighed staring at her carefully. "She doesn't want me right now. Thinking time for my little Fay-spitfire."

"Compliments get you nowhere, you yellow-bellied traitor."

"Yep, definitely wants time alone," he peeked at her once more. "I love it when she drawls."

Another tree came hurtling in my direction.

"Twice in one day," Emmett clapped me on the back. "This is the best day ever. Rosie's back with me, I've got some real bears to eat, you got your ass handed to you by an old man and our petite sister… want to get a kid to flip you off? It'd be perfect."

"You're an asshole," Jasper laughed. Carlisle hid a smile behind his Doctor-face. I'd seen it plenty of times. Especially when the other doctors proposed and deliberated over something he'd concluded within seconds. He'd put one hand over his mouth and stare into the distance; it hid a great many emotions, humor most often.

"I don't understand," I began. "Bella, she, er, kissed me, I didn't force the matter. I had Alice's conditions in mind, mostly. She shouldn't have seen me."

"We know that," Carlisle said soothingly. "I don't think Alice objects to the action so much as your whereabouts."

"Bella wanted me there," I realized too late what I'd said.

"When?" Jasper looked confused, they all did. "Did you talk to her before today?"

"Not in so many words, no."

"How did you know-"

"I… just knew. I saw her and I knew." It was better they think I'm obsessed, which I am, rather than insane. I didn't want to share personal moments that belonged to Bella, at any rate.

"You didn't think that, er, the school hallway might not be the best place to indulge your-"

"Mackin' with her in the halls probably wasn't the best idea," Emmett interrupted. "Your entrance was good. Delivery? Not so good."

"What's your next plan of action?"

"I'm going to talk to her. In person. No more dancing around this issue, we both need a resolution of some sort. Should I wait for her to make the first move? Would it be considered crowding her if I were to ask for negotiation?"

"You might not want to put things so professionally," Carlisle said. "Meet her somewhere she's comfortable, on her ground."

"She made the first move, dude. Ball's in your court. Again."

"You can't fuck with this. The plan has to be perfectly executed with little room- chance- for failure."

"Jasper, this isn't exactly a war. We aren't going to fire down on her. She wants the same thing he does."

"That's how a lot of them started," Jas replied, sagely. "That's my point. We want to stop the momentum, take preventative measures so that skirmishes don't turn into a full-fledged war."

"Well, whatever, the more she says no, the easier it'll be for her. You need to phrase things, you'll be good at this, so there's no way she can finagle a way out. Don't trap her, but make it damn hard for her to look at you and continue with the rejection."

"Starting with Alice," I waited for another tree, but none were forthcoming.

"Good luck," Jasper saluted me.

* * *

"You're within range."

I looked up to see Alice perched at the very top of a tree. She had both legs curled underneath her. I'd never mastered that talent. The branches moved only marginally, but I'd seen her sit through storms without ever losing her balance or concentration.

"Permission to approach?"

"Can I stop you?"

I paused in the midst of scaling the tree, "yes. I won't intrude on your privacy if you wish to be alone."

"So we'll talk tree to tree? I don't think so. C'mon up, Edward. This better be good. I almost fell."

"I need to offer you an apology," I was a good few feet from her. Studying the branches carefully, I estimated which would hold my weight. Some were deceptive, holding for a millisecond before I heard the tell-tale creaking.

"I'm listening."

Finally, I gripped one of the thicker boughs and dug my fingers into the surface. I'd be able to remain here for a little while. Whenever the branches moved, at this altitude, we'd have to move in perfect precision with the wind. Moving against the current or causing a slight disruption to the tree would send the branches in different directions. It took a great deal of balance, awareness, and patience to be able to sit for so long without using anything as leverage. Alice made it look easy.

"I didn't mean for things to get so out of hand," I started slowly, gauging her reaction. "She really wasn't supposed to have seen me. I just…"

"I know," she sighed. "She wouldn't have noticed you had she not been looking for you."

"Beg your pardon?"

"Come on, Edward. You do the same thing. Honestly, I'm glad I've deposited this problem back in your lap. Running interference isn't working."

"How is she?"

"You really do have inordinately bad timing."

I stayed silent, Alice's eyes were murky. She was either having a vision, or she was deep within her mind searching for… the wisdom that's pulled our family through some difficult times.

"Too much, too quickly," she muttered. "I only told her today that you had planned on returning. She took the news rather well, better than she would have a few days ago. Bella's definitely made progress, which is great for her, not so much for you. She's facing a minor set-back right now. There are three paths she could take. Route one, the dormant force that's been brewing within her takes over completely. She could move back in with her mother, in Jacksonville, Florida. Or, well, I don't know… She'll come to you, I don't know when or under what terms, don't ask."

"Alice, if I tell you something- promise not to tell the others?"

"Maybe, it depends on how devastating the secret is. I can't keep something from Jasper, he'll feel that I'm withholding information."

"Alright," I took a deep breath. "I've seen her randomly, oddly. She, um, visits me. I'm not clear on the mechanics, it seems that she's the one who controls when we she appears. I know it's hard to believe, but I can't deny that it's happened."

"Bella," she whispered. "Oh, Edward, _no_."

"What?" I asked, alarmed at her tone. "I'm not fabricating, she really-"

"Like Emmett and Rosie? Carlisle and Esme? Jasper and I?"

"Well, no. I don't think so. None of you reported suffering hallucinations due to your significant other. You found Jasper, Rosalie saved Emmett, the same with Carlisle. Fate's influence, determination, and compassion, in order."

"You're wrong," Alice climbed down a few branches. "Well, okay, since you're being polite and contrite, I'll be nice. Not that you deserve it. You do, however, have a point. Our stories are all different, but we share a common theme. Soul-mates, each of us found someone with whom we share a deep, intimate connection. More than love, romance, it was just… meant."

I studied her cautiously. Her eyes were still narrowed, the road continued to be perilous; I couldn't blame her. My actions had been brash, foolish, I admitted that now. I should have listened to Alice completely. It was arrogant of me to have assumed I could find a way past the loop-holes that had been created for my benefit.

Bella, even now, despite everything that had happened- thinking about her made me itch to see her again. I could hear the need in her tone. I felt the passionate excitement that had swept past both of our defenses. Her plea was my deal-breaker. Nothing else mattered; I never wanted to hear such loneliness and pain in her voice again.

She issued a challenge, called to me on a basic level- Bella needed me. I had known that the Bella-phantasm wasn't purely a figment of my imagination. I had pictured her in many ways, imagined her doing and saying different things, but never had they been so cutting.

"Think about it, Edward. We've come back here three times now. We've never revisited a place once we left. Second time around, you meet her. The human that you couldn't get out of your head. Instead of indulging in a quick-feed fix, as our kind are wont to do, you start a relationship with her. Do you realize that the dark, cynical, brooding Edward disappeared? You took the biggest risk to our kind by dating her. The daughter of a police chief, courting her openly, sharing the family secret?"

"I didn't mean to endanger any of you. I just- I couldn't stay away from her."

"I wasn't reprimanding you for those choices. I'm saying, you have to accept that she's your soul-mate. Don't take that away from her because you don't like the complications it brings. She would become one of us if given the choice. The question, brother dear, is whether you don't want her to turn because of the religious factors or because you're afraid that you'll lose her as one of us."

"Alice…"

"You can let her leave this world, you can turn her, neither has any bearing on the facts. No matter what you do, or don't do, she's your twin flame. Your other half. And you know all of this."

"I love her. There's nothing that could make me stop loving her. And, because of that, I can't, won't, turn her. She deserves better than that. Rosalie still mourns the loss of her humanity. Carlisle and Esme, too, though they channel their grief in productive ways. How could I condemn her to watch centuries of humans living a life she can never get back?"

"Is that how you see things?"

"The details of my existence have no bearing on this conversation."

"Denial," Alice smirked. "People, in general, are drawn to that which they're lacking. Bella makes you whole; she balances your darkness with light, jaded views with optimism, life with death. You refer to your life as your existence. I've never heard you say 'existence' within her presence."

"You're a romantic."

"You're a tragic romantic," she countered. "Bella's got a pulse, Romeo. We're in an age of communication, yet you'd never guess that with the way people treat one another."

"I really just wanted to apologize," I sensed a lull in the conversation and decided to take advantage of it. I hadn't had time to think, I didn't have any conclusions or plans to offer. "I'm sorry, I don't want to… I do apologize.

Heartily. I didn't mean to cause you pain, not with all you've done to help me."

"You don't cause me pain, Edward," she sighed. "There's something that's going to happen. I can't see anything. There are no clear markers for what it is I feel. All I'm left with, after meditation, contemplation, connecting with spiritual energy, is a feeling of dread. It revolves around you and Bella. That's why I've been pushing you. I understand what it is to need someone. The things I did to find Jasper- well, suffice to say, I do understand. There's an expiration date on everything; you know it, I know it. Yours, with Bella, is close at hand. I'll do anything to prevent the pain you'll go through should there be no other option but to let her go. I mean that in every way."

"You would-"

"If there was no other choice, I would. In a heart-beat," she smiled sadly. "I hope it won't come to that. If you get your head out of your ass, I won't need to."

"How is she, Alice?"

"No, not here," she looked to the ground. "You'll fall."

"Then I'll fall," I shrugged. "It'll add to Emmett's 'perfect day.'"

"Balance. You've never been able to stay motionless for so long, not on a tree-top. You're growing, changing as a person. Don't go back to the old Edward."

"The new me doesn't seem to have much success at avoiding trouble."

"If you'd stop initiating half-cocked plans," she giggled, "you might have different results."

"You've seen something."

"I see a lot of things," Alice laughed again. "I'll leave you my tree. Do some thinking, I know you want too. And, Edward, stay away from Lauren Mallory. Gross."

"I've never considered it."

"She has," her eyebrow raised. "Short sentences, direct and to the point. If you continue playing the polite gentleman around her, she'll make things very interesting for you."

"Duly noted."

"Oh, and this is the last thing I have to say. I saw Jasper in visions, Rosalie stumbled across Emmett after hunting, Carlisle saved Esme in the only way he knew how. Our talents worked in our favor, in that regard. You read minds…"

"Still want to hit me with a tree?"

"No, at least not now," she began her descent. "It'll be more fun to catch you off-guard. Payback's a bitch."

I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. Bella's image immediately rose to the surface. I could smell the lingering scent of her on my clothes.

_She had paused at our locker. I had watched from my place in the shadows as she ran her fingers across the cold metal. Hope sprang to life in my chest. That's all I'd needed. I could leave her in peace, give her time, now that I knew that it wasn't too late._

_Before I could use the empty hallways and vampire speed to my advantage, she had looked up and made instant eye-contact. I was nowhere in her frame of sight, I hadn't moved, hadn't taken a breath, yet she stared at me with all of the emotions that I'd felt over the past few months. She still loved me._

_Only seconds passed, but a lifetime went by as we studied one another. There was no fear, no recrimination in her expression. She started with my boots, raised her eyebrow at my pants. Bella's hands twitched as her gaze raked across my chest and stomach. And when she saw the leather jacket, her eyes grew darker with lust and she bit her lip._

_I nearly groaned aloud. This was what Emmett had been talking about. Bella's sex look. And, like Emmett, I was slave to it. She vibrated with energy and passion, her scent grew stronger as I made it obvious I appreciated her appearance._

_Her skin was flushed, she had turned with her back to the lockers with her arms behind her back. Wher earrings shook, I couldn't help but notice her racing pulse. I followed the hollow of her throat to the pulse beating in her chest. Smooth, firm, warm skin. The bodice of her shirt lifted her breasts, I'd heard too many thoughts regarding how delectable she looked, but nothing had prepared me for the reality._

_The bottom of her checkered purple and black shirt shifted as she moved. Flashes of pale white skin made my head spin. Her black belt emphasized her small waist, a pirate belt-buckle covered the button of her pants._

"_You're not supposed to be here," she raised her head and squared her shoulders. "Remember? You promised. No coming into my personal life."_

_I felt my breath hitch. Damn me. Damn my words. I could remember each one. They whispered, taunted me with the distance I'd put between us. Of the two promises, one I'd made, and the one she had insisted I make- she had chosen to follow mine. Damn, damn, damn._

_I still, to this moment, don't know what I would have done had she not taken the initiative. She didn't say anything aloud. Speaking entirely with her eyes, she called me to her. The gauntlet was thrown. She wanted me to fight for her. I could see it, feel it; I was more than willing to pass any and all tests she created for me._

_I knew instinctively that if I left, it was over. Turning my back on her, again, would give her the answer she was seeking. Would I make good on her promise or would I stick with mine?_

_I walked to her, I'd have crawled if she hinted that's what she wanted. Only Bella caused that reaction. I was owned by a small human with motorcycle boots and goth pants. I leaned into her carefully making sure to leave her an escape. She smelled different, floral. What happened to the strawberries? Why had she taken her ire out on the strawberries? _

"_Edward," she breathed. A predatory look crossed her face, she had claimed me. Before I had time to assess the situation, her arms were around my neck. Her scent intoxicated me, the taste of her was heaven. She licked across my bottom lip and I groaned against her mouth. I gave her what she silently asked for. I dropped all of my barriers letting her in completely. I felt her relax for the briefest of seconds before desire overtook her._

_Her arms tightened around me as she ground against me with her body trying to get closer. Stopping her wasn't an option. I didn't want to stop. For the first time, I wasn't afraid for her. I wouldn't hurt her. I didn't crave her blood. I wanted her reaction, her fire. She was still testing me, I smiled against her. Exerting her authority, pushing at the boundaries I had set long ago, she moaned upon realizing I wouldn't push her away._

_I nudged her backwards, I wanted more. Cupping my hand around the back of her head, I was still in control, she wouldn't be hurt again due to my neglect. My body fit against hers perfectly. I couldn't help pushing my hips into hers, and then more forcefully as she curled her fingers into my hair. Her nails caused bursts of white light to explode behind my eyes. _

"_Bella, my Bella," I clenched my fist above her head as I held her in place. Her first time, my first time, would definitely not be quick or public. She deserved better, so much better. My head knew that if my body didn't._

_She poured all of her anger, the aggression she felt towards me, and the pain I'd caused her into the kiss. I drank it down and gave her the best of what lay within me. My anguish and sorrow for breaking her heart, my love for her, how much I cherished every second I spent with her. She cried out softly, I could feel her desperation. Make me yours, she seemed to be screaming._

_Then, abruptly, she had used the escape route. Ducking under my arm, she held one hand to her mouth as she blinked at me with horrified eyes._

"_Don't- don't do this again," she said._

_I could see her shutting down. Her arms wrapped around her stomach, she paled. I moved closer afraid that she would faint. She shook her head numbly and retreated a step. _

"_Bella-"_

_Like my vision of her in Charlie's kitchen but so much worse. Fear. She was afraid of me, of us. I was rooted to the ground unable to do anything but watch as she rejected everything we'd been. I watched the emotions play across her face. Fear faded to anger, anger became resolute surety. Then nothing._

"_You can't do this to me anymore," her voice was flat, final. "Stay where you said, leave me alone."_

_The last three words were hissed, her eyes were dark with… hatred? She turned purposefully and raced back down the hallway. Away from me._

"_Goodbye." Thanks to vampire hearing, I heard the words as she rounded the corner._

I was shaking. Paying no attention to the tree or how precariously I was balanced, I shuddered and closed my eyes against the memory.

Snarling, searching for purchase, I hit the ground back first. I lay there letting the pain lance through me as my body healed itself. No major damage, but the fall had definitely broken my reverie.

"Emmett didn't see," Alice said, standing over me. "Knock some sense into yourself?"

"Funny," I rasped. Rolling to my feet, I ignored protestation as the healing wounds reopened before stitching shut again.

"You should hunt, you've been out here for a few hours. With that fall, you're going to need your energy. Are you still curious about Bella?"

"No," I sighed heavily. "I should hear it from her, if she'll tell me."

Alice beamed at me before patting my head. "Go buy a new phone."

"Another one? They don't seem to last, do they? I could run over it with a car, the salesman guaranteed." I turned my pocket inside-out near one of the garbage cans, bits of plastic and wiring thunked at the bottom. "I'm going to get a new one. You're welcome to come, perhaps do some shopping while I wait for them to program a new one?"

"I could…" she grinned, obviously forming a plan. "Let's hunt first. All those humans in so small of a space. Their scent mixing with the food-court smells, the perfume and candle stores, ugh."

"Where to?"

Alice smiled at me again. I'm not entirely sure why, I've asked her opinion on hunting grounds before.

"I'll show you a waterfall. Take Bella there when its right, okay?"

"You _have_ seen something."

"That's for me to know and you, if you don't bungle things, to find out," she bounced around me playfully, she wasn't angry with me anymore.

Alice wasn't difficult to please, she was the easiest of my 'siblings' to get along with. Unlike Emmett and Jasper, who would throw punches when they had an issue to resolve, Alice tended to fan the flames of her grudge until it exploded.

No matter where we were, upon hearing the sharp click of high-heels against a hardwood floor made Emmett, Carlisle and I cringe on the inside. Rosalie did her best to appear unaffected, but she always moved a little closer to Emmett, as though he'd be of assistance. Jasper was immune to Alice's moods, he found them endearing rather than terrifying. Esme had nothing to fear, for as long as we'd been together as a family they had never gotten into any spats.

Carlisle and Esme were definitely head of the house. No one contested their position. They were, and continue to be our confidantes, friends, and the authority.

In the beginning we had referred to them as many other vampires still do. Carlisle was the one who took us under his wing, offered us protection. He gave us a way to stay as human as possible within a changing world. Esme became his wife and the respect we shared for Carlisle included her, as a way to show them deference.

As the years went by, we masqueraded more and more as a family. It was difficult to keep up public appearances without actually playing the part. Months had gone by as we lost ourselves to whomever we were at the time. When I worked with Carlisle at the hospital, I was treated as his son.

Like vampire hierarchy, the hospital ran in much the same way. I was skilled, educated, and more knowledgeable than most of them. It wasn't until Carlisle, who was usually voted head of the hospital, accepted me as one of his own that the rest of the staff warmed up to us.

Esme worked with Rosalie and Alice, they donated to charities, worked indoors for school functions- Rosalie loved every minute. She enjoyed the popularity having an influential family brought.

Lately, because the others were couples, I'd taken to playing the renegade. Every family needs one troublesome, off-the-beaten-path child. It made sense to me. Being considered dangerous, a loner, I had plenty of time to myself. I didn't need to struggle as much with my thirst for humans considering most of them left me alone.

The past sixty years had been more difficult. Men like James Dean, Marlon Brando, Harry Winkler stepped onto the television and movie screens. That's when I returned to interning.

I made a concerted effort to appear attentive during school. I would read a book and ignore others, always have a notebook sprawled out over the desks next to me, and I wouldn't speak very much. People took my anti-social behavior as either genius material or a… geek, I believe the term is, in which case I was left to my own devices once again.

Alice was right. I had entertained fantasies starring Bella as my mate, in the true vampire sense. That's all they were, however. Fantasies.

Bella asked me to change her many times, she doesn't understand how precious humanity is. Being able to eat solid food, go out into the sunlight. She'd be able to watch the sunrise from a public beach, mingle with others and have no fear of exposure. Her family wouldn't wonder what had happened to her and she wouldn't hate us for not allowing her contact with them again.

So many small, seemingly mundane little things that bound her life to this world. She would miss them. It might not happen right away, but as time passed and she moved from place to place, never able to make ties or set roots, the anguish would grow. She might long to have children as Rosalie did.

Watching children eat ice-cream on a summer's day, seeing a mother and daughter shopping together at a mall, she would miss those things. I kept waiting for the day that she'd realize all that she was missing. When I understood that she would never reach that conclusion, she never took the time to contemplate the changes involved with becoming one of us, I knew I couldn't broach the subject. I can't allow that to happen.

I needed to find a way to contact Bella. I would respect her wish for a less-personal approach. No more crawling through her window or stalking her around school. The internet? No, too informal. That left one thing. Another cell-phone.

I watched as Alice deftly launched herself at one of the mountain sheep. I needed more challenging prey. Something that would at least attempt to fight. The white, fluffy animals reminded me of Bella. She was truly the lamb to my lion, following Alice's previous line of conversation.

Meeting my gaze, Alice rolled her eyes before releasing the weakened sheep back into the flock.

"You owe me a new tree, a new location, and three days of helping me arrange my wardrobe."

"Whoa, whoa," Alice was aiming at over-achievement, I could have given in to her demands, but why rob her of the satisfaction? She wanted a brutal kill, I owed her that and more. "You gave me the tree, for one thing. What location?"

"The waterfall I'm going to show you. You'll be thanking me for centuries to come."

"Okay, fine. I'll plant you several new trees across the countryside. You'll have a perch in every state. As for a location, I'll show that to Jasper instead. That's what you had planned anyway."

"All to avoid helping with inside work?"

"Of course not," I attempted my charming smile, it never worked with her. "I know how much you enjoy nature. You'll be the proud owner of fifty trees, as well as a new piece of land to consecrate with Jas. What present could be better?"

"Nope," she replied cheerfully. "I'd trade that all in for a few days of modeling and rearranging. Deal?"

"Deal," I shook her hand. Alice knew what she had gotten, I could tell by her triumphant smile. She had altered the final verdict. Rather than three, the time-frame was an infinite 'few days.' Not only would I help her bring massive amount of clothing from one house to the other, I'd get to watch her prance around in them, too. Maybe I could convince Jasper to become possessive.

"Edward," she said suddenly, grabbing my arm before I could release her hand.

"Do not let Bella become more than friends with Jacob Black."

"Jake?"

"You know him," she asked, eyebrows raised.

"Not really, never mind. Who is Jacob Black?"

"Bella's new little friend. Follows her around like a puppy and growls like some guard mutt whenever any male walks past her. I don't trust him, we don't like them."

"Is he a threat to me?"

"Not directly, but in a very big way, yes. I can't see her when she's with him. I know she's alive, I have no flashes of unease, but she disappears."

"Has that ever happened to you before?"

"Yes," she replied, curtly.

"Would it be intruding to ask whom?"

"He died," she turned her back and headed down the mountains. "Keep her away from him."

"Not a problem," I sobered at the thought. Whomever Jacob Black was, he'd better be careful. I fully intended Bella to be mine again, no matter what it took or how far I had to go.

"… dirty dog," I heard her continue.

"Are you hinting that you'd like another pet? You had cats for awhile, dogs, hamsters, ferrets, an otter once. It's been awhile since our last house-animal."

"I would like one. A canine. I'd make a pretty little cage for him, feed him water and meat scraps. He'd be a very obedient little thing."

"Alright, I'll tell Carlisle to keep an eye out for puppy signs."

"You do that," she giggled. "And if you find one first, make sure to buy the electric fence and shock collar, just in case."

**Authors Note: **I do not use shock collars on my pets. They're free, indoor pets, if that makes sense. They eat my food, turn off my computer randomly, stand in front of my monitor, and chew on my notebooks. I'm an awful parent, they get away with everything. Three cats and a dog, all of them rescued at some point. (I can't help it... they find me...) Do any of you have pets? Any stories behind them?

**Authors Note 2: **So Alice has a plan of her own- with Edward and Bella's best interest at heart again. All she really wanted was an apology for being slighted. I think Edward helped soothe any ruffled feathers. I've located Rosalie, she'll be in the next chapter. Hopefully some more Bella and Edward time, too.

Last note-

I know Bella's emotions have been all over the place. I tried to write how I would/did react to certain situations she's been in. Minus the crying, haha. It's a difficult time. The love of your life leaves you, you feel abandoned. When you finally get things together, you see him in dreams. Then he manifests. His sister returns, you find a semblance of normalcy again and then- poof- in returns devastatingly handsome ex-flame. No wonder she's all over the place. I'll try to tone it down though, she shouldn't have another breakdown for awhile. The confident Bella is here to stay, probably.

**StephanieTeamed- **Thanks!! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story!**Simaril- Bella was doing well, I'll even things out in the next few chapters. My apologies for the choppiness. I'll be doing rewrites for some of the chapters soon. I enjoy writing the different personalities of Edward's family. Emmett's so much fun, I have a feeling Rosalie will be, too. I love Alice and Jasper despite the fact that they're a little more in-depth about what they have to say. **


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